I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and at this time of year we all could use a little...calm!!!By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white Bacardi, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Tia Maria, my Prozac, some valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin good I feel.... Pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. While I am uncertain of the following, it is clear that, as they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
Investment tips for 2004.... for all of you with any money left.
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode; be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2004.
I went to the store the other day, and was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a pencil-dicked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
I called him apiece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.
Here's a dilemma for you...
With all your honour and dignity what would you do?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.
There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it. Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some recent winning entries:
Here are 29 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking caps on. Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE. No cheating! No looking around! No using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions. REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? 2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? 4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? 5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!) 6. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg? 8. How many matches are in a standard pack? 9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? 10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? 12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign" slash run? 13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on? 15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom? 16. Which way do fans rotate? 17. Whose face is on a dime? 18. How many sides does a stop sign have? 19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? 20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? 23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 24. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? 25. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? 26. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center? 27. There are 12 buttons on a touch-tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? 28. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 29. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? *** ******************************************* Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions: 1. Bottom 2. 50 3. Right 4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, & gold 5. Q, Z 6. 1, 0 7. Right 8. 20 9. Red 10. 88 11. Counter (north of the equator) 12. Towards bottom right 13. 12 (no #1) 14. Left 15. Top 16. Clockwise as you look at it 17. Roosevelt 18. 8 19. Left 20. 5 21. 6 22. Bashful 23. 8 24. Ace of spades 25. Left 26. ONE 27. *, # 28. 3 29. Counter
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde (no comments) came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is, trying reading "710" upsidedown.
An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache!"
P.S. If you have read this far, under Section 17 H(2)a.3 of the Patriot Act, you are under arrest.
Viewed in Provincetown, Massachsuetts:
Good Bush : close up of lovely lady's bare guess what...
Bad Bush: picture of GWB
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
From: *JoAnn* Date: *April 1, 2004 12:50:47 PM PST To: *broadcast
Subject: URGENT: NIH Message to Science Laboratory We have just been notified that the NIH database has been compromised by a group known as R.U.S.E. (Roadmap mis-Use by Scientists and Engineers), who have electronically orchestrated the transfer of all funds and application records to an unknown off-shore location. This attack has the effect of rendering impossible all access to application and funding records for at least the next 6 months. Efforts are being conducted to restore the system, but it is feared that much of the data will be permanently lost. PLEASE NOTE: *NIH has requested that all currently-funded grants and pending grant applications be resubmitted in full by 5 PM today!
One evening a very, very wealthy couple received a call from the hospital emergency unit.
The physician said their Grandmother had been checked into ER and was in serious condition. They rushed to the hospital. Upon arrival, the doctor explained she had had a massive stroke and said, "I am afraid she is brain dead; however her heart is still good."
The wife said, "Oh my God, we have never had a democrat in the family before".
Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the manly way to settle things. The candidate to catch the most fish by the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and to return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, Kerry returned to the starting line and had 10 fish. Soon W. returned and had zero fish. Well, everyone assumed W. was just having another bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day, Kerry came in with 20 fish and W. came in again with none.
That evening, Dick Cheney got together secretly with W. and said, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."
The next night, after Kerry came back with 50 fish, Cheney said to Bush., "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Dick. He's cutting holes in the ice!"
(AND we forgot to add:)
"He sure is cheatin', Dick. He's using his brain!"
1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!") Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. Define pretty.. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")
The difficult thing about relationships is that all the questions functionally have only one correct answer.
Even if you get the right answer, the tone of voice is probably wrong
That explains everything. I'd always thought that I had a 20% chance of getting the correct answer in a 5 way multiple choice question yet I manage to get 0%.
My friend, the very good "church lady," sent this in support of the government not getting into religion.
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With many forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that 'God's Word' and His standards will be honored by our government."
Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying a definition of marriage based entirely upon Biblical principles:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
D. Marriage between a believer and a nonbeliever shall be forbidden.(Gen24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the Constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut25:5-10)
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
1. You're bald your whole life. 2. You have a hole in your head. 3. Your neighbors are nuts. 4. The guy behind you is an asshole. and my personal favorite, 5. Everytime you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, "Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality."
His dad says, "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars."
He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, "Dad, she said, 'Yes!".
"OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question."
A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. "Dad, she said, 'Yes!' also!"
His dad told him, "There you go."
His son looked at him, puzzled. "Dad I still don't understand."
"Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores."
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his friend's life, the chicken began to think. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend the horse.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?....................................
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!!!
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so I would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Bitchy in Boston
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car
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