[SafeSurf Rated] Locations of visitors to this page

httpjoke - Internet E-Mail General Humor

Return to Internet E-Mail Humor Collection Home Page

httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

Your visit makes more than
Link to the Internet E-Mail General Humor site (updated February 12, 2017)


SEARCH for specific words in the HTTPJOKE.COM (humor) web pages ... powered by FreeFind

TABLE of CONTENTS


How Cold Is It? Geographical Humor (97080502.DOC)

An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

(see also a 2003 version at: How Cold Is It? Geographical Humor (03ha2004.doc) An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit) - it is joke #136)
    +50
       * New York tenants turn on the heat
       * Minnesotans plant gardens
    +40
       * Californians shiver uncontrollably
       * Minnesotans sunbathe
    +35
       * Italian cars don't start
    +32
       * Distilled water freezes
    +30
       * You can see your breath
       * You plan a vacation in Florida
       * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
       * Minnesotans eat ice cream
    +25
       * Boston water freezes
       * Californians weep pitiably
       * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
    +20
       * Cleveland water freezes
       * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
       * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts----Hell YEAH!!!
   
    +15
       * You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!! 
       * Minnesotans go swimming
    +10
       * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless 
       * Too cold to snow
       * You need jumper cables to get the car going 
     
      0
       * New York landlords turn on the heat 
    
     -5
       * You can hear your breath
       * You plan a vacation in Hawaii
       * American cars don't start
       * Too cold to skate
    -15
       * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo >    
       * Miamians cease to exist
       * Minnesotans lick flagpoles 
   
    -20
       * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
       * Politicians actually do something about the homeless
       * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
    -25
       * Too cold to kiss
       * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
       * Japanese cars don't start
       * Minnesota Twins head for spring training
     
    -30
       * You plan a two-week hot bath >       
       * Bock beer production begins
       * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
    
    -38
       * Mercury freezes
       * Too cold to think
       * Minnesotans button top button
   
    -40
       * Californians disappear
       * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
       * Minnesotans put on sweaters
    -50
       * Congressional hot air freezes
       * Alaskans close the bathroom window
       * Green Bay Packers practice indoors
   
    -60
       * Walruses abandon Aleutians
       * Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
       * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
   
    -70
       * Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
       * Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
    -80
       * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
       * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
   
    -90
       * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
       * Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer 
   -100
       * Santa Claus abandons North Pole 
       * Minnesotans pull down earflaps
  
   -173
       * Ethyl alcohol freezes
       * The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes
   -445
       * Superconductivity
   -452
       * Helium becomes a liquid
   -454
       * Hell freezes over
   -456
       * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
  
   -458
       * Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
  
   -460  (Absolute Zero)
       * All atomic motion ceases
       * Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy
       * The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed

Funny Bumper Stickers (97082506.DOC with 97120406.DOC and 98052702.DOC)


Dave Barry's Book Of Bad Songs (97082603.DOC)

"Wo wo wo" - "Feelings" by Morris Albert

"Wo wo wo wo" - "My Love" by Paul McCartney

"Wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o" "What's New Pussycat" as sung by Tom Jones

Dave mentions a song in the Top Ten of Bad Songs called "Timothy". It's about cannabilism:

        "Trapped in a mine that had caved in
         And everyone knows
         The only ones left were Joe and me and Tim"
     
        "Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
         Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?"
     
        "My stomach was full as it could be
         And nobody ever got around to finding Timothy"

I leave you with the immortal words of Neil Diamond

        "I am, I said
         To no one there
         And no one heard at all
         Not even the chair."

Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" As The Soundtrack To "The Wizard Of Oz."(97082607.DOC)

By HELEN KENNEDY Daily News Staff Writer

Call it Dark Side of the Rainbow. Classic rockers are buzzing about the amazingly weird connections that leap off the screen when you play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as the soundtrack to "The Wizard of Oz."

It sounds wacky, but there really is a bizarre synchronization there. The lyrics and music join in cosmic synch with the action, forming dozens upon dozens of startling coincidences---the kind that make you go "Oh wow, man" even if you haven't been near a bong in 20 years.

Consider these examples: Floyd sings "the lunatic is on the grass" just as the Scarecrow begins his floppy jig near a green lawn. The line "got to keep the loonies on the path" comes just before Dorothy and the Scarecrow start traipsing down the Yellow Brick Road.

When deejay George Taylor Morris at WZLX-FM in Boston first mentioned the phenom on the air six weeks ago, he touched off a frenzy.

"The phones just blew off the wall. It started on a Friday, and that first weekend you couldn't get a copy of 'TheWizard of Oz' anywhere in Boston," he said. "People were staying home to check it out."

It's fun, he said, because everyone knows the movie, and the album---which spent a record-busting 591 straight weeks on the Billboard charts---can be found in practically every record collection.

Dave Herman at WNEW-FM in New York mentioned the buzz a few weeks ago. The response---more than 2,000 letters ---was the biggest ever in the deejay's 25-year on-air career.

"It has been just unbelievable," said WNEW program director Mark Chernoff. "I've never seen anything like this. "

The station plans to show the movie using the album as soundtrack at a small private screening tomorrow.

Rock fans always have loved to speculate about hidden messages in their favorite albums. But seeking connections between the beloved 1939 classic kid flick and the legendary 1973 acid-rock album pushes the envelope of the music conspiracy genre. Nobody from the publicity-shy band would comment, but Morris asked keyboardist Richard Wright about it on the air last month. He looked flummoxed and said he'd never heard of any intentional connections between the movie and the album.

But the fans aren't convinced it's just a cosmic coincidence.

"I'm a musician myself and I know how hard it is just to write music, let alone music choreographed to action," said drummer Alex Harm, of Lowell, Mass.,who put up one of the two Internet web pages devoted to the synchroneities. "To make it match up so well, you'd have to plan it."

Morris is convinced that ex-frontman Roger Waters planned the whole thing without letting his fellow band members in on the secret.

"It's too close. It's just too close. Look at the song titles. Look at the cover. There's something going on there," Morris said.

Here's how it works. You start the album at the exact moment when the MGM lion finishes its third and last roar. It might take a few times to get everything lined up just right.

Then, just sit back and watch. It'll blow your mind, man.

During "Breathe," Dorothy teeters along a fence to the lyric: "balanced on the biggest wave."

The Wicked Witch, in human form, first appears on her bike at the same moment a burst of alarm bells sounds on the album.

During "Time," Dorothy breaks into a trot to the line: "no one told you when to run."

When Dorothy leaves the fortuneteller to go back to her farm, the album is playing: "home, home again."

Glinda, the cloyingly saccharine Good Witch of the North, appears in her bubble just as the band sings: "Don't give me that do goody goody bull---t."

A few minutes later, the Good Witch confronts the Wicked Witch as the band sings, "And who knows which is which" (or is that "witch is witch"?).

The song "Brain Damage" starts about the same time as the Scarecrow launches into "If I Only Had a Brain."

But it's not just the weird lyrical coincidences. Songs end when scenes switch, and even the Munchkins' dancing is perfectly choreographed to the song "Us and Them."

The phenomenon is at its most startling during the tornado scene, when the wordless singing in "The Great Gig in the Sky" swells and recedes in strikingly perfect time with the movie.

When Dorothy opens the door into Oz, the movie switches to rich color and---and that exact moment---the album starts in with the tinkling cash register sound effects from "Money."

Anyone who has ever nursed a hangover watching MTV with the sound off and the radio on can tell you how quick the brain is to turn music into a soundtrack for pictures. But this is uncanny.

The real fanatics will point out that side one of the vinyl album is the exact length of the black-and-white portion of the movie. And then there's that iconic album cover, with its prism and rainbow echoing the movie's famous black-and-white-into-color switch--- not to mention Judy Garland's classic first song.

The real clincher, though, the moment where even the most skeptical of cynics has to utter a small "whoa!," comes at the end of the album, which tails off with the insistent sound of a beating heart.

What's happening on screen? Yep, you guessed it: Dorothy's got her ear to the Tin Man's chest, listening for a heartbeat.

Maybe it's just a string of coincidences. Maybe the mind is just playing some really cool tricks. Maybe some people just have waaaay too much time on their hands.

Or maybe, as Pink Floyd sings to close out the album, everything under the sun really is in tune.


Meiers' Law - Food For Thought (Etoh) (97092203.DOC)

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


You Know You Live In SF When (97101701.DOC)


Polish International Airways

Polish International Airways sent it's inaugural 747 flight to JFK under the command of it's two best pilots. Approach Control tells 'em they're cleared onto final and hands 'em off to the tower, but they're sorta struggling with English and sorta missed a word or two, but it was a nice flying day and they decide to just land the airplane.

They get in close to the runway and the left seat hollers "lookit that runway! It's 'way too short! Flaps, gimmee full flaps, reverse thrust, drop the anchor!" and he dumps it on the numbers.

The airplane comes to a screeching halt two feet before the end of the concrete amidst billowing clouds of burning tire and brake smoke. Left seat sez "I don't believe how short this runway is, it's only a cupple hunnert feet long!" Right seat muses, "Yeah, but jeez boss look, it's gotta be 12,000 feet wide".


World's Shortest Books (97111203.DOC)

 25.  "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
 24.  "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
 23.  "The Book of Virtues" by Dean Rains
 22.  The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
 21.  Human Rights Advances in China
 20.  "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
 19.  Al Gore: The Wild Years
 18.  Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
 17.  America's Most Popular Lawyers
 16.  Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
 15.  Detroit - A Travel Guide
 14.  Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
 13.  Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
 12.  Easy UNIX
 11.  Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
 10.  Everything Men Know About Women
 9.   Everything Women Know About Men
 8.   French Hospitality
 7.   George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
 6.   "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
 5.   Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
 4.   One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
 3.   Staple Your Way to Success
 2.   The Amish Phone Directory
 1.   The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Famous Quotes (97111204.DOC)

"WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER" Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL" Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS" Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO" Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE" Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET" Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS" Andrew Mathis

"HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE" Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK" Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE" Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF." Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS." Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE" Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." A congressional candidate in Texas

"IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY." Richard M. Nixon

"THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING UP THE ENVIRONMENT. HIS IS A GOOD PLANET." Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY." Everett Dirksen

"A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON." Samuel Goldwyn

"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." John Wayne (former Republican Fund Raiser and occasional actor)

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND." General William Westmoreland

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET." Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle


Insanity In Office (97111205.DOC)How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace:


Beatles Song Revisions - Songs to program by...(97111206.DOC)

Yesterday

Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes  a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX  plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX  plans For nobody.

Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

Ugliest Baby I've Ever Seen (97111803.DOC)

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


Clairvoyant Little Boy (97111803.DOC)

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could see into the future One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mammy, God bless Daddy, God bless Granny, goodbye Grandad." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mammy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mammy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly to work by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "Honey! The most awful thing happened today! -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."


John Denver (97111803.DOC)

Why did John Denver crash? ..... He wanted a smash hit in the 90's.


Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:(97111803.DOC)

#10 Does this come in children's sizes? 
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable. 
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
:::::And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that thing...

"Philosophies" (97111803.DOC)


What We Learned From The Movies (97120502.DOC)


Reality Check (97122403.DOC and 97122406.DOC)


Trivia Time! (98020203.DOC)


Seinfeld Monologues (98022006.DOC)

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."

The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!

It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"

I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."

Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."

Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."

The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along.....Routine pal check."

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?

Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?

One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving...........In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.

My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country. "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."


I'm Not Stupid - I'm Texan (98030303.DOC)

On the way to the hotel from work yesterday in Dallas, I heard a woman request a love song for her boyfriend on KPLX radio. The DJ said it sounded like this woman's 2 month romance was getting serious - and asked if she had ever been in a serious relationship before. The woman replied, "No, although I was married for 17 years before my divorce." Only in Texas.


Questions To Ponder (98031306.DOC)


Actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports of military officers (98031306.DOC)


Scary Facts F.Y.I. (98031902.DOC)

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning than to be eaten by a shark.

You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of rine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare it's barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame could consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.one, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.


Drug Store (98040804.DOC)

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said, immediately, and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."


Insightful Quotes (98051201.DOC)

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. --Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island


Math Evolution (98051302.DOC)

for those of us who know this to be all too true, and not very funny!!

1957 Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1967 Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price or $80. What is his profit?

1977 Math (New Math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of Money. The cardinality of set M is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make a square array of 100 dots to represent the elements of set M. The set C is the cost of production and contains 20 fewer elements than set M. Represent set C as a subset of M and answer the following question. What is the cardinality of set P of profits?

1987 Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Circle the number $20.

1997 Math: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, an environmentally ignorant logger makes a profit of $20. What do you think about his way of making a living? In your group, use role playing to determine how the forest birds and squirrels feel.


Young Punker (98051303.DOC)

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.

His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son


Math Improvement (98051502.DOC)

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very seroius look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in Math.

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," She replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Tommy looks at her and says " Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


Pithy Questions (98052802.DOC; 98H71718.DOC)


Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned (98053106.DOC)


Some Female Thoughts About A Few Things...(98060406.DOC)

Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that case, you don't deserve to eat.

I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

How many of you have continued dating someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.

They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous Toning With Resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.

My doctor said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch."

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day.

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that shit.


Recess (98h62403.doc)

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?"

Mary says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.

Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."


California Drivers License Application (98h61205.doc)

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area....

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:  ______________
Attorney:  __________________
Sex: ___ male ____ female _____ formerly male _______
Formerly female __________ both ___________
If female, indicate breast implant size:  ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor
vehicle in any way?  Yes___  No ___
Occupation:
[  ]  Lawyer
[  ]  Actor/Waiter
[  ]  Film-maker/Self-employed
[  ]  Writer
[  ]  Car Dealer
[  ]  Pan-handler
[  ]  Agent
[  ]  Hooker/Transvestite
[  ]  Other; please explain: ______________
Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car: _____
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: _____
Brand of cell phone:  __________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please
explain.)
Please check haircolor:
Females: [  ] Blonde [  ] Platinum  Blonde
Teenagers: [  ] Purple [  ] Blue [  ] Skinhead
Men: Please list shade of hairplugs.
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[  ] Eating a wrap
[  ] Applying make-up
[  ] Talking on the phone
[  ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[  ] Having sex
[  ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[  ] Tanning
[ X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[  ] Watching TV
[  ] Reading Variety
[  ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times per month:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 11 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news
on a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for
911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
Please indicate if you drive:
a) a BMW,
b) a Lexus,
c) a Mercedes,
d) Cabriolet.  If your answer is D, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery
time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 11?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Librium
d) Xanex
If none, please explain:  __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
e) if less than 1 hour, please explain: _________________________
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring
yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Mother's Phrases (98h61502.doc)


Teacher's Gift (98h61709.doc)

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"


Words to Live By (98h70201.DOC)


Joke Web Site (with search engine) http://jokes.webdevelop.com/jokes/add.htm


Duck Joke (98h72112.DOC)

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner (GP), a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I'll have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might be a juvenile. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"


Highway Sign (98h72205.DOC)

Keep awake: take a break for safety's sake sign along highway. I hope it isn't misunderstood by Japanese as a recommendation to have a "sake" for the road - DBQ joke


How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb? (98H72906.DOC)


Top 13 Additional Warnings The FDA Is Considering For Beer And Alcohol Bottles (98h72905.doc)

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may disappear.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


Unanswered questions (98h72002.DOC)


What it's like to work in Australia (98h72012.DOC)

Windows program: AUSTRALIA.EXE

Workout Calories (98h72308.doc)

For all of you how may be worrying about your workout schedule here's the guide to calorie-burning activities at work and the number of calories they consume per hour.


For all you 'Bama fans out there: (98H73106.DOC)

A computer software engineer develops the ultimate artificial intelligence program. Using an attached video camera, the program will scan the retinal print of the user in front of the compter, compute his or her intelligence, and carry on a conversation with that person at their intelligence level.

To test his brilliant new software, he goes out and gets three people: a genius, a normal guy, and a complete idiot.

The genius sits before the computer, which scans his retina. Immediately, the computer and the genius are talking about lofty things like rocket science and mysteries of the universe.

The normal guy sits before the computer, which scans his retina. They begin conversing about things like the normal guy's troubles at the job, favorite foods, average things.

The Complete Idiot sits before the computer, which scans his retina. Two words appear on the screen: "Roll Tide."


For all you Tennessee fans out there: (98H73106.DOC)

It's the crunch time of all crunch times. It's just before his senior season, and Peyton Manning hasn't been doing too well in his classes. He's been doing so poorly, in fact, that the Dean of Academics is threatening to revoke his scholarship and playing eligibility. Coach Philip Fulmer has a long talk with the dean, the gist of which is that, in exchange for his eligibility, Peyton will answer one math question, tailored to his major's intellectual level. The dean, having no confidence whatsoever in Manning's ability to get the right answer, agrees.

The day comes, and Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, Tennessee is filled to capacity. It is the opening day of Peyton's senior season, and he's been working with tutors to get it right. The dean of academics and Peyton meet in the middle of the field, and a microphone is brought out to them.

"Okay, Peyton," the dean says carefully into the mike, "I will ask you one question, a math question, and your answer will determine your eligibility for the entire season. Are your ready?"

Manning is wearing a steely expression. He nods soberly.

"Okay, here it is. No pencil and paper, you have to do this in your head. What is..." The crowd, eager for the season to start well and tense with anticipation, becomes completely silent... "two plus two?"

The silence remains... deafening... Mannings head breaks out in a sweat. He steps up to the microphone and clears his throat. A lone syllable escapes.

"Four," he says.

(late addition ...) The crowd goes wild: "Give him another chance!"


A Few Quick Questions and Answers (99H20109 DOC)

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
Fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michael's new song?
It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double:
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What is forty foot long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the weather like in Tahoe?
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What is 8 straight days of oral sex?
Hanukkah Lewinsky.

Phrases We Have Seen (99H20629.DOC)

"Learn to read and speak English.
Call us now."
-Denise2235
********
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist:
"Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
-Scott W. Tilden
********
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant:
"Used beer department."
-Kevin M. Loader
********
Comparative customs:
In front of flat in London:
"It is unlawfull to allow your pets to foul
the footways by depositing excrement thereon."
In New York:
"Curb your dog."
-Karen R. Cavanaugh
********
On a store front in Florida:
"Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor.
Drive through open 24 hours!"
-Matt Curran
********
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey:
"Smile, You're on Radar!"
-Jason Weinstein
********
In a bathroom stall at a college athletic facility:
"Please place tampons and sanitary napkins in trash
recepticle. Do not flush down stool."
-Rebecca J. Klest
********
Seen in a State Park in California:
"Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope)
Check the Rock.
If it's wet, it's raining.
If it's moving, it's windy.
If you can't see it, it's foggy.
If rock is gone, it's a tornado."
-Cerebus the Aard
********
Seen on a sign on a hamster cage at a pet store
in an Austin, Texas, Mall:
"Hamsters: $6.97
Children Who Fall In: $2.88"
-Frog077606 

Stephen Wright one-liners (99H20629.DOC)


You Know Your Out Of College When... (981C0307 DOC)


New Math (981C0503.DOC)

Submitted by Bob Janus

TEACHING MATH IN 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

TEACHING MATH IN 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

TEACHING MATH IN 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kick-back. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?


Chicken And Egg Philosophy (981C0806 DOC)

A philosopher went into a restaurant and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich. He wanted to see which would come first.


Amusing Airplane Safety Lectures (981C2102 DOC)

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately,"

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride,"

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft,"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


Successful New Year's Eve Party (981C2905 DOC)

If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...

Happy New Year


Happy 1999! A Fond Farewell To 1998... (99H10802 DOC)

from the humor list (humor@lgk.com)!


Trivia (99H12001 DOC)


Rock Band Names (99H12209 DOC)

Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:

[ a ]
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Apocalypse Hoboken
Armageddon Dildos
[ b ]
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Barbara's Bush
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beruit
Bulimia Banquet
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
[ c ]
Caltransvestites
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Carnage Asada
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Cortizone 5
Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death
[ d ]
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
The Dead Kennedys
The Dick Clarks
The Dick Nixons
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns
[ e ]
e. coli
Edith Head
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler
Ethyl Merman
[ f ]
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Fields of Shit
'57 Lesbian
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
The French are from Hell
Fromage d'Amour
[ g ]
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Gonoreagan
[ h ]
Headless Marines
Hell Camino
Herpes Cineplex
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
HIV and the Positives
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
[ i ]
Impaled Nazarenes
Inhale Mary
[ j ]
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Wetness
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
JFKFC
Jonestown Punch
[ k ]
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees
[ l ]
Lack of Afro
Lawn Piranhas
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lesbian Ninjas
Louder Than God
[ m ]
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Max Roach and the Holders
Minnie Pearl's Jam
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mussolini Headkick
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
[ n ]
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
[ p ]
Pabst Smear
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Penis DeMilo
Pepto Dismal
Phenobarbidols
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
Pretentious Flamedogs
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Pungent Frustration
Purple Headed Love Warriors
[ r ]
Raging Pimps of Doom
Rectal Nightmare
Reluctant Stereotypes
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
[ q ]
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
[ s ]
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Septic Death
Seven Year Bitch
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Skeptic Tank
Smegma & the Nuns
Smorgasborgnine
Solosex
The Sound of Munich
Spastic Colon
The Sphinctones
Stiff Richards
Stukas Over Bedrock
Swingin' Johnsons
[ t ]
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Testostertones
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
They Tried To Frame OJ
To Live and Shave in LA
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Transsexual Hitler
Trotsky Icepick
[ u ]
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos
[ v ]
Vaginal Davis
The Velcro Pygmies
Vic Morrow's Head
[ w ]
The Well Hungarians
Willie Nelson Mandela
[ y ]
Yoko Homo
[ z ]
Zip Code Rapists
Zombies Under Stress
Zulu Leprechauns

You Know You Are From Connecticut When.... (99H12507 DOC)

  1. You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party
  2. You never went to a bar in high school
  3. You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84
  4. You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm
  5. You know what kind of packages you buy at a "package store"
  6. You actually thought that Hartford was big
  7. You or someone you know has attended UCONN
  8. You drive a JETTA
  9. You still think that the Whalers are cool.
  10. You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place
  11. There is a farm within 5 miles from your house
  12. You thought bars were really for people over 21
  13. Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year
  14. You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listens to Phish
  15. You love Hilton Caterly and your mom cried when he retired. You know who Bob Steele, Brad Davis and the dog's Christmas song are
  16. Uconn basketball rules and no one can tell you different
  17. You have deer in your back yard
  18. You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state.....
  19. Your bestfriend went to central, western, eastern and finally Manchester Community College
  20. Your mom works at Travelers and your dad works at Pratt and Whitney
  21. You have been drunk at the Meadows and don't remember the concert or how you ended up in that guys trunk?
  22. You go to Riverside at least once a summer.
  23. Your parents actually care about the Governor, the Patriots coming to Hartford, the lights at CHristmas in Hartford, Channel 3 news,
  24. You have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round
  25. You thought New Jersey was a toxic waste dump
  26. You hang out at Friendly's
  27. You've partied at bonfires
  28. You have at least one friend with a pickup or a Minivan
  29. You think everyone works tobacco in the summer
  30. You think Old Lyme is a shore town
  31. You've been to Cape Cod
  32. You think the Connecticut River is endless
  33. The town Diner is the only place open after midnight.
  34. You have at least 4 friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees
  35. You roote for all the New York sports teams
  36. If anybody asks, you're from just outside of New York.
  37. You've never looked at a public bus schedule.
  38. You have both girlfriends and guyfriends with the same name as you.
  39. You go to the diner late night to post party.
  40. You think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen.
  41. You can proudly tell an outsider about Nutmeg.
  42. You weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home.
  43. You have said... " I'm in a good location... Between both Boston and NewYork."
  44. You can carry on a conversation about Mike Liut, Torrie Robertson, and the Brass Bonanza.
  45. You don't have an accent when you talk
  46. You have to explain Cow Tipping to people from out of state.
  47. When you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for every poor/homeless person you see.
  48. You get mad at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow.
  49. You can name all the members of the UCONN men's and women's basketball teams.
  50. You still can't find your way in Hartford (except for that bar area near Union Station.)
  51. You hold the door open for someone and they don't say "thank you."
  52. Our children HAVE TO HAVE the latest gadget/toy in school to avoid serious taunting by their peers.

from the humor list (humor@lgk.com)


I Smell Chocolate: Chocolate Tips And Facts (99H12601 DOC)


Organ Of The Body In Charge (99H22607 DOC)

Subject: Ain't It The Truth !!!!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... Just an asshole.


Aging And Memory (99H30902 DOC)

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"


Pithy Thoughts (99H42808 DOC)


Drug Riddle (99H50403 DOC)

What do you get when you take acid (LDS)?
A trip without the kids


Changing Lightbulbs (99H52110 DOC)

How many Amherst students does it take to change a lightbulb? Thirteen--One to change the bulb and an acapella group to immortalize the event in song

How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.

How many Barnard girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's women, and that's not funny!!!

How many Boston College students does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

How many Boston University students does it take to change a lightbulb? Four--One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.

How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a lightbulb? Three--One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Bucknell students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb? Seventy-six--one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb? None--Hanover doesn't have electricity.

How many Duke students does it take to change a lightbulb? A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.

How many George Mason students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.

How many Georgetown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Four--One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American U. students.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many Holy Cross students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to screw it in, and one to pray to God it works.

How many Middlebury students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five--one to design a nuclear-powered bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--she calls a Smithie to do it.

How many Oberlin students does it take to change a lightbulb? Three--One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Reed students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--and she doesn't even need a ladder because she has platform Birkenstocks.

How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five--One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it. .

How many Smith students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--all you need is one hot woman and you'll never have a heterosexual lightbulb again.

How many Stanford students does it take to change a lightbulb? One, dude.

How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress.

How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to change the bulb and one to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.

How many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.

How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a lightbulb? Wesleyan's boycotting GE--you know, military-industrial complex and all that.

How many Williams students does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? None--New Haven looks better in the dark.


Bunny Accident (99H52603 DOC)

So there I was, riding along, when a rabbit runs out in front of me. I feel a bump and look back to see the bunny still alive, but injured.

So I go back and consider what to do. Take it to a vet? Out comes a old fellow from a nearby house and yells "Wait on, I'll handle this!"

He comes over and pulls a bottle out of his pocket and dribbles a bit of it into the bunny's mouth.

The bunny get up, hops a bit and shakes his paw at us. Hops a bit more and shakes his paw at us again. It continues into the field, hopping and shaking its paw in our direction.

So I ask "What was that stuff you gave the bunny?"

The old guy replied," That was a bottle of hair restorer with permant wave."


Instructions For Life (99H62107 DOC)

  1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
  2. Memorize your favorite poem.
  3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
  4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
  5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
  6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
  7. Believe in love at first sight.
  8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
  9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
  10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
  11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
  12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
  13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
  14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
  15. Call your mom.
  16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
  17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
  18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
  19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
  22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
  23. Spend some time alone.
  24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
  25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  26. Read more books and watch less TV.
  27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
  28. Trust in God but lock your car.
  29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
  30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
  31. Read between the lines.
  32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
  33. Be gentle with the earth.
  34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
  35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
  36. Mind your own business.
  37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
  38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
  39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
  40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
  41. Learn the rules then break some.
  42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
  43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
  44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
  45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

What We Learned From The Movies (99H62404 DOC, 99H62502 DOC)


Ways To Have Extra-Special Fun In A Large Department Store! (99H70610 DOC)

  1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
  2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples's carts when they don't realize it.
  3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
  4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while sqeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are you tampons?"
  5. Try on bras on top of your clothes.
  6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
  7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, "I Smell Sex and Candy".
  8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
  9. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volume to "10."
  10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
  11. Re-dress the manequins as you see fit.
  12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
  13. Put M&M's on layaway.
  14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
  15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pollows from Bed and Bath.
  16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
  17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
  18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
  19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
  20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
  21. Ask other customers if the have any Grey Poupon.
  22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
  23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
  24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
  25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
  26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
  27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me! Pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
  28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assumee the fetal position and scream< "No, no! It's those voices again!"
  29. Go into an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
  30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
  31. Go into the dressing room and yell really loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From (99H81609 DOC)


Facts (?) You Never Knew You Didn't Know (99H82308 DOC)


Baby Boomer Quiz (00h62906.doc)

Can you pass this Baby Boomer Quiz? (Answers below the quiz.. Don't cheat!)

Q1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

Q2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)

Q3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)

Q4. What do M&M's do?

Q5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

Q6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as... (2 words)

Q7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)

Q8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

Q9. "M-I-C...See ya real soon. K-E-Y..." (+5 letters)

Q10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

Q11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)

Q12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

Q13. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)

Q14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)

Q15. Where have all the flowers gone?

Q16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)

Q17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial wearing women's pantyhose? (But do you know his nickname!)

Q18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong to the finish ..." (5 words)

Q19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

Q20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised about his future and told to consider one thing. What?

Q21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2words) And he lied!

Q22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive.He stood 6'6", weighed 245, kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip and everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2 words)

Q23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

Q24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)

Q25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)

Q26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

Q27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today! Smile!" (4 words)

Q28. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? (Socratic answer required.)

ANSWERS TO QUIZ Above:

A1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr

A2. Oh my!!

A3. It's Howdy Doody time!!

A4. Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

A5. Wonder Bread

A6. Casius Clay

A7. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.

A8. Maynerd G. Krebbs

A9. Why?Because we like you.M-O-U-S-E

A10. their birthday suit

A11. "a little dab will do ya"

A12. over 30

A13. who wrote the BOOK OF LOVE

A14. absolutely nothin'

A15. gone to young girls every one

A16. the American Way

A17. Joe Nameth (Broadway Joe)

A18. cause I eats me spinach

A19. Mary Martin

A20. Plastic

A21. Dick Nixon

A22. Big John

A23. on Blueberry Hill.

A24. wherever you are.

A25. Good night, David

A26. pants on fire

A27. You're on Candid Camera!

A28. Who put the ram in the ram a lang a ding dong?


Final Exam (00h82407.doc)

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there.

They had a great time. However, after all the hardy partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final exam they decided to find their professor after the final was administered and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.

The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?


Historical Puns (00ha1008.html.doc)

  1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
  2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; you'll just have to be a little patient."
  3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
  4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo, who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
  5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that, although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
  6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
  7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
  8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
  9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
  10. By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win. But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From (01h6060609.html)

  1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
  2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
  3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
  4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
  5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
  6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
  7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
  8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
  9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
  10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
  11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above the steering wheel, driving in the left lane at 35 on the Interstate with the left blinker on: Florida.
  12. Left foot on the steering wheel, left hand holding Starbucks double Caramel Mochachino, a Jamba Juice Razamatazz held between the thighs, right hand holding pager checking stock prices, cradling cell phone talking to a head hunter while the medical office trying to schedule laser surgery is on hold, eyes on rear view mirror looking for those sneaky police cruisers while making a left turn in a Mercedes SUV just after the light turns red, occasional glances at the laptop screen at the pirated copy, right foot on the accelerator to keep a constant 55 mph in 35 zone and 80 mph in 65 mph zone, right elbow honking at the old man in the hat taking the left turn at a mere 30 mph while and swerving to dodge the Hispanic family of seven in the crosswalk: San Francisco Bay Area

Property of a toddler (00H71809.doc)

  1. If I like it, it's mine.
  2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
  7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.
  8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  10. If it's broken, it's yours.

The Class Of 2004 - Age Test (01h40710.doc)

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. Here is this year's list:

  1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
  2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
  3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
  4. There has been only one Pope.
  5. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
  6. They have never feared a nuclear war.
  7. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
  8. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
  9. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
  10. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
  11. The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
  12. They have never owned a record player.
  13. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
  14. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
  15. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
  16. They have always had an answering machine.
  17. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
  18. They have always had cable.
  19. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
  20. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
  21. They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

    Feeling old Yet? There's more:

  22. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
  23. Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
  24. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
  25. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
  26. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
  27. They have never seen Larry Bird play.
  28. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
  29. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
  30. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
  31. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
  32. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
  33. They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!".
  34. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
  35. Michael Jackson has always been white.
  36. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
  37. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
  38. There has always been MTV.
  39. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

This just in: New York Mets Challenge World Series (00hb2301.htm)

NEW YORK (AP) - The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of game 5 of the World Series.

The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.

"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets' batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets' batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.

Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in interleague play earlier in the year.

"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."

Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.

"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said.

Another portion of the Mets' legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.

"It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours."

The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."

Stephen L. Gilligan


Three Little Pigs: The Mind Of A Six Year Old Is Wonderful (01h50218.html)

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


Trivia (perhaps even true - then or now) 01h21803.html

  1. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
  2. Pearls melt in vinegar.
  3. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
  4. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  5. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
  6. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
  7. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
  8. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
  9. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," which uses every letter in the alphabet was developed by Western Union to test Telex communications.
  10. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
  11. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
  12. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."
  13. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
  14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
  15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  16. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
  17. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
  18. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
  19. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
  20. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All Star Game.
  21. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
  22. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
  23. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
  24. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
  25. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
  26. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
  27. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
  28. The man, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott (James Doohan) on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
  29. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
  30. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  31. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20 (It's the police code for "getting high")


Water or Cola - you decide (01h21302.html)

Urban Legend - or Medical Facts? I don't know. Certainly water is good for you

The importance of WATER
  1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (likely applies to half the world's population).
  2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
  3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
  4. One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
  5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
  6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
  7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
  8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
    Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

    COCA-COLA - No wonder coke tastes so good:
  9. In many states in the USA, the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coca-Cola in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
  10. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coca-Cola and it will be gone in two days.
  11. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coca-Cola removes stains from vitreous china.
  12. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
  13. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
  14. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
  15. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
  16. Pure Coke syrup is great for nausea and stomach flu symptoms
  17. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
  18. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate), the commercial trucks must use the "Hazardous Material" place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
  19. The distributors of Coca-Cola have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or a Coca-Cola?


What Your M.D. Says Versus What Your M.D. Means (01h20901.html)

I'd like to run a few more tests...
I want the sunroof option for my new sports car...
I'd like you to see a specialist...
I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with you...
Bend over...
Bend over... (Hey, some things are bad enough without some deeper meaning!)
Please make a follow-up appointment...
I'd also like the CD player with the five-disc changer...
The nurse will take over from here...
I'm late for my tee-off time...
I have good news and bad news...
I have bad news...
You'll feel some slight discomfort...
This is gonna hurt like hell...
Hmmm...that's interesting...
What the heck is THAT thing?
Any history of medical problems in your family?
Can I blame genetics in case I mess up?
This is a highly treatable disease...
How much insurance are you carrying?

The Blind Farmer's Problem (02h10902.gif)

[farmer joke]

Patriots fan? (02h21003.doc)

A man is sitting at the 50 yard line of the Super Bowl next to an empty seat. Another man comes along and says, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No," the first man replies, "That seat is empty."

"That is incredible!" says the second man. "Who in his right mind would give up a seat at the biggest sporting event ofthe year???"

"Actually, the seat belongs to me." says the first man. "You see," he says, "I was supposed to be here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since 1987," he said, sadly.

"Oh...I am so sorry," says the second man. "But couldnt you get someone else to come with you, A neighbor, a friend or a relative?"

The first man replied, "No, they are all at the funeral."


Organ Donation (02h21301.doc)

It's the Motor Vehicle Bureau in most states who send you the little card you're supposed to carry right next to your driver's license in your wallet. You're supposed to fill it out, and on it you're supposed to list the organs you're willing to give in case you die. Are these people out of their minds or something? Do you honestly believe that if a paramedic finds that card on you in an automobile accident he's gonna try to save your life? No way! He's looking for parts, man! Absolutely!.....'Look Dan, here's that lower intestine we've been looking for. Nevermind the oxygen, this man's a donor!'" -George Carlin


Please E-mail new jokes and comments to Webmaster