+50 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Minnesotans plant gardens +40 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans sunbathe +35 * Italian cars don't start +32 * Distilled water freezes +30 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * Minnesotans eat ice cream +25 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you +20 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts----Hell YEAH!!! +15 * You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!! * Minnesotans go swimming +10 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You need jumper cables to get the car going 0 * New York landlords turn on the heat -5 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate -15 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo > * Miamians cease to exist * Minnesotans lick flagpoles -20 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens -25 * Too cold to kiss * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * Japanese cars don't start * Minnesota Twins head for spring training -30 * You plan a two-week hot bath > * Bock beer production begins * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof -38 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Minnesotans button top button -40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Minnesotans put on sweaters -50 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * Green Bay Packers practice indoors -60 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -70 * Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets * Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI -80 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -90 * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles * Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer -100 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Minnesotans pull down earflaps -173 * Ethyl alcohol freezes * The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes -445 * Superconductivity -452 * Helium becomes a liquid -454 * Hell freezes over -456 * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90 -458 * Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution -460 (Absolute Zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy * The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed
"Wo wo wo" - "Feelings" by Morris Albert
"Wo wo wo wo" - "My Love" by Paul McCartney
"Wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o" "What's New Pussycat" as sung by Tom Jones
Dave mentions a song in the Top Ten of Bad Songs called "Timothy". It's about cannabilism:
"Trapped in a mine that had caved in And everyone knows The only ones left were Joe and me and Tim" "Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?" "My stomach was full as it could be And nobody ever got around to finding Timothy"
I leave you with the immortal words of Neil Diamond
"I am, I said To no one there And no one heard at all Not even the chair."
Call it Dark Side of the Rainbow. Classic rockers are buzzing about the amazingly weird connections that leap off the screen when you play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as the soundtrack to "The Wizard of Oz."
It sounds wacky, but there really is a bizarre synchronization there. The lyrics and music join in cosmic synch with the action, forming dozens upon dozens of startling coincidences---the kind that make you go "Oh wow, man" even if you haven't been near a bong in 20 years.
Consider these examples: Floyd sings "the lunatic is on the grass" just as the Scarecrow begins his floppy jig near a green lawn. The line "got to keep the loonies on the path" comes just before Dorothy and the Scarecrow start traipsing down the Yellow Brick Road.
When deejay George Taylor Morris at WZLX-FM in Boston first mentioned the phenom on the air six weeks ago, he touched off a frenzy.
"The phones just blew off the wall. It started on a Friday, and that first weekend you couldn't get a copy of 'TheWizard of Oz' anywhere in Boston," he said. "People were staying home to check it out."
It's fun, he said, because everyone knows the movie, and the album---which spent a record-busting 591 straight weeks on the Billboard charts---can be found in practically every record collection.
Dave Herman at WNEW-FM in New York mentioned the buzz a few weeks ago. The response---more than 2,000 letters ---was the biggest ever in the deejay's 25-year on-air career.
"It has been just unbelievable," said WNEW program director Mark Chernoff. "I've never seen anything like this. "
The station plans to show the movie using the album as soundtrack at a small private screening tomorrow.
Rock fans always have loved to speculate about hidden messages in their favorite albums. But seeking connections between the beloved 1939 classic kid flick and the legendary 1973 acid-rock album pushes the envelope of the music conspiracy genre. Nobody from the publicity-shy band would comment, but Morris asked keyboardist Richard Wright about it on the air last month. He looked flummoxed and said he'd never heard of any intentional connections between the movie and the album.
But the fans aren't convinced it's just a cosmic coincidence.
"I'm a musician myself and I know how hard it is just to write music, let alone music choreographed to action," said drummer Alex Harm, of Lowell, Mass.,who put up one of the two Internet web pages devoted to the synchroneities. "To make it match up so well, you'd have to plan it."
Morris is convinced that ex-frontman Roger Waters planned the whole thing without letting his fellow band members in on the secret.
"It's too close. It's just too close. Look at the song titles. Look at the cover. There's something going on there," Morris said.
Here's how it works. You start the album at the exact moment when the MGM lion finishes its third and last roar. It might take a few times to get everything lined up just right.
Then, just sit back and watch. It'll blow your mind, man.
During "Breathe," Dorothy teeters along a fence to the lyric: "balanced on the biggest wave."
The Wicked Witch, in human form, first appears on her bike at the same moment a burst of alarm bells sounds on the album.
During "Time," Dorothy breaks into a trot to the line: "no one told you when to run."
When Dorothy leaves the fortuneteller to go back to her farm, the album is playing: "home, home again."
Glinda, the cloyingly saccharine Good Witch of the North, appears in her bubble just as the band sings: "Don't give me that do goody goody bull---t."
A few minutes later, the Good Witch confronts the Wicked Witch as the band sings, "And who knows which is which" (or is that "witch is witch"?).
The song "Brain Damage" starts about the same time as the Scarecrow launches into "If I Only Had a Brain."
But it's not just the weird lyrical coincidences. Songs end when scenes switch, and even the Munchkins' dancing is perfectly choreographed to the song "Us and Them."
The phenomenon is at its most startling during the tornado scene, when the wordless singing in "The Great Gig in the Sky" swells and recedes in strikingly perfect time with the movie.
When Dorothy opens the door into Oz, the movie switches to rich color and---and that exact moment---the album starts in with the tinkling cash register sound effects from "Money."
Anyone who has ever nursed a hangover watching MTV with the sound off and the radio on can tell you how quick the brain is to turn music into a soundtrack for pictures. But this is uncanny.
The real fanatics will point out that side one of the vinyl album is the exact length of the black-and-white portion of the movie. And then there's that iconic album cover, with its prism and rainbow echoing the movie's famous black-and-white-into-color switch--- not to mention Judy Garland's classic first song.
The real clincher, though, the moment where even the most skeptical of cynics has to utter a small "whoa!," comes at the end of the album, which tails off with the insistent sound of a beating heart.
What's happening on screen? Yep, you guessed it: Dorothy's got her ear to the Tin Man's chest, listening for a heartbeat.
Maybe it's just a string of coincidences. Maybe the mind is just playing some really cool tricks. Maybe some people just have waaaay too much time on their hands.
Or maybe, as Pink Floyd sings to close out the album, everything under the sun really is in tune.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Polish International Airways sent it's inaugural 747 flight to JFK under the command of it's two best pilots. Approach Control tells 'em they're cleared onto final and hands 'em off to the tower, but they're sorta struggling with English and sorta missed a word or two, but it was a nice flying day and they decide to just land the airplane.
They get in close to the runway and the left seat hollers "lookit that runway! It's 'way too short! Flaps, gimmee full flaps, reverse thrust, drop the anchor!" and he dumps it on the numbers.
The airplane comes to a screeching halt two feet before the end of the concrete amidst billowing clouds of burning tire and brake smoke. Left seat sez "I don't believe how short this runway is, it's only a cupple hunnert feet long!" Right seat muses, "Yeah, but jeez boss look, it's gotta be 12,000 feet wide".
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres 23. "The Book of Virtues" by Dean Rains 22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert 21. Human Rights Advances in China 20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 19. Al Gore: The Wild Years 18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 10. Everything Men Know About Women 9. Everything Women Know About Men 8. French Hospitality 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. Staple Your Way to Success 2. The Amish Phone Directory 1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
"WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER" Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL" Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS" Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO" Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE" Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET" Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS" Andrew Mathis
"HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE" Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK" Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE" Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF." Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS." Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE" Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." A congressional candidate in Texas
"IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY." Richard M. Nixon
"THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING UP THE ENVIRONMENT. HIS IS A GOOD PLANET." Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY." Everett Dirksen
"A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON." Samuel Goldwyn
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." John Wayne (former Republican Fund Raiser and occasional actor)
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND." General William Westmoreland
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET." Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Yesterday All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.
Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? UNIX Man, please listen(2) My lpd(8) is missin' UNIX Man The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. He's as wise as he can be Uses lex and yacc and C UNIX Man, can you help me At all? UNIX Man, don't worry Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ... Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C.
Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm's logic! Something in the way it coredumps... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer's got to be corrupted. Stepping in the debugger will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'm too close to leave it now You're asking me can this code go? I don't know, I don't know... What sequence causes it to blow? I don't know, I don't know... Something in the initializing code? And all I have to do is think of it! Something in the listing will show me... I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this tonight I vow!
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could see into the future One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mammy, God bless Daddy, God bless Granny, goodbye Grandad." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mammy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mammy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly to work by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "Honey! The most awful thing happened today! -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
Why did John Denver crash? ..... He wanted a smash hit in the 90's.
#10 Does this come in children's sizes? #9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing. #8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind. #7 Mom will love this. #6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable. #5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. #4 Will you model this for me??? #3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! #2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! :::::And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret: #1 Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that thing...
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."
The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!
It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"
I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."
Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."
The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along.....Routine pal check."
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving...........In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.
My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country. "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."
On the way to the hotel from work yesterday in Dallas, I heard a woman request a love song for her boyfriend on KPLX radio. The DJ said it sounded like this woman's 2 month romance was getting serious - and asked if she had ever been in a serious relationship before. The woman replied, "No, although I was married for 17 years before my divorce." Only in Texas.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.
You are more likely to be struck by lightning than to be eaten by a shark.
You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.
If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of rine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare it's barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.
When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame could consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.
The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.
Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.
Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.one, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.
In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing, and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said, immediately, and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. --Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. --Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
1957 Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?
1967 Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price or $80. What is his profit?
1977 Math (New Math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of Money. The cardinality of set M is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make a square array of 100 dots to represent the elements of set M. The set C is the cost of production and contains 20 fewer elements than set M. Represent set C as a subset of M and answer the following question. What is the cardinality of set P of profits?
1987 Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Circle the number $20.
1997 Math: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, an environmentally ignorant logger makes a profit of $20. What do you think about his way of making a living? In your group, use role playing to determine how the forest birds and squirrels feel.
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very seroius look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room & Little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner & to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in Math.
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room & says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," She replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"
Little Tommy looks at her and says " Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that case, you don't deserve to eat.
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
How many of you have continued dating someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.
They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous Toning With Resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.
My doctor said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch."
I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day.
I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that shit.
The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?"
Mary says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area....
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION: Name:______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________ Sex: ___ male ____ female _____ formerly male _______ Formerly female __________ both ___________ If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Occupation: [ ] Lawyer [ ] Actor/Waiter [ ] Film-maker/Self-employed [ ] Writer [ ] Car Dealer [ ] Pan-handler [ ] Agent [ ] Hooker/Transvestite [ ] Other; please explain: ______________ Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car: _____ Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: _____ Brand of cell phone: __________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check haircolor: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hairplugs. Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating a wrap [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [ X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times per month: a) you expect to shoot at other drivers: _____ b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____ If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime b) Call Channel 11 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through d) Call your therapist e) None of the above (South Central residents only) Please indicate if you drive: a) a BMW, b) a Lexus, c) a Mercedes, d) Cabriolet. If your answer is D, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license. In the event of an earthquake, should you: a) stop your car, b) keep driving and hope for the best, c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 11? In the instance of rain, you should: a) never drive over 5 MPH, b) drive twice as fast as usual c) you're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____. Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Librium d) Xanex If none, please explain: __________________. Length of daily commute: a) 1 hour b) 2 hours c) 3 hours d) 4 hours or more e) if less than 1 hour, please explain: _________________________ When stopped by police, should you: a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner (GP), a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I'll have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might be a juvenile. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
Keep awake: take a break for safety's sake sign along highway. I hope it isn't misunderstood by Japanese as a recommendation to have a "sake" for the road - DBQ joke
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may disappear.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
For all of you how may be worrying about your workout schedule here's the guide to calorie-burning activities at work and the number of calories they consume per hour.
A computer software engineer develops the ultimate artificial intelligence program. Using an attached video camera, the program will scan the retinal print of the user in front of the compter, compute his or her intelligence, and carry on a conversation with that person at their intelligence level.
To test his brilliant new software, he goes out and gets three people: a genius, a normal guy, and a complete idiot.
The genius sits before the computer, which scans his retina. Immediately, the computer and the genius are talking about lofty things like rocket science and mysteries of the universe.
The normal guy sits before the computer, which scans his retina. They begin conversing about things like the normal guy's troubles at the job, favorite foods, average things.
The Complete Idiot sits before the computer, which scans his retina. Two words appear on the screen: "Roll Tide."
It's the crunch time of all crunch times. It's just before his senior season, and Peyton Manning hasn't been doing too well in his classes. He's been doing so poorly, in fact, that the Dean of Academics is threatening to revoke his scholarship and playing eligibility. Coach Philip Fulmer has a long talk with the dean, the gist of which is that, in exchange for his eligibility, Peyton will answer one math question, tailored to his major's intellectual level. The dean, having no confidence whatsoever in Manning's ability to get the right answer, agrees.
The day comes, and Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, Tennessee is filled to capacity. It is the opening day of Peyton's senior season, and he's been working with tutors to get it right. The dean of academics and Peyton meet in the middle of the field, and a microphone is brought out to them.
"Okay, Peyton," the dean says carefully into the mike, "I will ask you one question, a math question, and your answer will determine your eligibility for the entire season. Are your ready?"
Manning is wearing a steely expression. He nods soberly.
"Okay, here it is. No pencil and paper, you have to do this in your head. What is..." The crowd, eager for the season to start well and tense with anticipation, becomes completely silent... "two plus two?"
The silence remains... deafening... Mannings head breaks out in a sweat. He steps up to the microphone and clears his throat. A lone syllable escapes.
"Four," he says.
(late addition ...) The crowd goes wild: "Give him another chance!"
What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog. How do you double the value of a Yugo? Fill it with gas. What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? Neither of them can stop a Bronco. Have you heard George Michael's new song? It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go. I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double: The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. What is forty foot long and has eight teeth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. What's the weather like in Tahoe? Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What is 8 straight days of oral sex? Hanukkah Lewinsky.
"Learn to read and speak English. Call us now." -Denise2235 ******** An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." -Scott W. Tilden ******** Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department." -Kevin M. Loader ******** Comparative customs: In front of flat in London: "It is unlawfull to allow your pets to foul the footways by depositing excrement thereon." In New York: "Curb your dog." -Karen R. Cavanaugh ******** On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!" -Matt Curran ******** A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!" -Jason Weinstein ******** In a bathroom stall at a college athletic facility: "Please place tampons and sanitary napkins in trash recepticle. Do not flush down stool." -Rebecca J. Klest ******** Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado." -Cerebus the Aard ******** Seen on a sign on a hamster cage at a pet store in an Austin, Texas, Mall: "Hamsters: $6.97 Children Who Fall In: $2.88" -Frog077606
Submitted by Bob Janus
TEACHING MATH IN 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
TEACHING MATH IN 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
TEACHING MATH IN 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kick-back. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
A philosopher went into a restaurant and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich. He wanted to see which would come first.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately,"
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride,"
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft,"
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year.
What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
Happy New Year
from the humor list (email@example.com)!
Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:
[ a ] Albino Toilet Boys Alcoholocaust Alcoholics Unanimous Apocalypse Hoboken Armageddon Dildos [ b ] Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings The Band Formerly Known As Sausage Band Over Band That Shot Liberty Valence Barbara's Bush Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir The Boxing Ghandis Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre Breakfast in Beruit Bulimia Banquet Buster Hymen & the Penetrators [ c ] Caltransvestites Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers Carnage Asada Cindy Brady's Lisp Cortizone 5 Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death [ d ] The Dancing French Liberals of 1848 The Dead Sea Squirrels The Dead Kennedys The Dick Clarks The Dick Nixons Dicky Retardo Drunks With Guns [ e ] e. coli Edith Head Electric Prostates Elvis Hitler Ethyl Merman [ f ] Fearless Iranians From Hell Fields of Shit '57 Lesbian The 4-Skins Four Nurses of the Apocalypse The French are from Hell Fromage d'Amour [ g ] Gefilte Joe and the Fish Gonoreagan [ h ] Headless Marines Hell Camino Herpes Cineplex Hindu Garage Sale Hitler's Bikini HIV and the Positives Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives Hornets Attack Victor Mature [ i ] Impaled Nazarenes Inhale Mary [ j ] Janitors Against Apartheid Jehovah's Waitresses Jehovah's Wetness Jehovah's Witness Protection Program Jesus Christ Super Fly Jesus Chrysler Supercar Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army JFKFC Jonestown Punch [ k ] Kathleen Turner Overdrive Kerrigan's Knees [ l ] Lack of Afro Lawn Piranhas The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation Lee Harvey Keitel Lesbian Ninjas Louder Than God [ m ] Mao Tse Helen Mary Kay and the Cosmetics Max Roach and the Holders Minnie Pearl's Jam Mr. Happy and the Genocides Mussolini Headkick My Dog Has Hitler's Brain [ n ] Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions Nervous Christians and the Lions Norman Bates and the Shower Heads Not Drowning, Waving [ p ] Pabst Smear Pearl Harbor and the Explosions Penis DeMilo Pepto Dismal Phenobarbidols Phlegm Fatale Poultry in Motion Pretentious Flamedogs The Pro-Midget Mafia Psychic Buddhist Gorillas Psycho Sluts from Hell Pungent Frustration Purple Headed Love Warriors [ r ] Raging Pimps of Doom Rectal Nightmare Reluctant Stereotypes Reserectum Results of Inbreeding Retarted Elf Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries [ q ] Quasimodo and the Eunuchs [ s ] Sandy Duncan's Eye Screaming Headless Torsos Screaming Iguanas of Love Screaming Moist Accountants Septic Death Seven Year Bitch The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra Shirley Temple of Doom Shirley Temple Pilots Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer] Skeptic Tank Smegma & the Nuns Smorgasborgnine Solosex The Sound of Munich Spastic Colon The Sphinctones Stiff Richards Stukas Over Bedrock Swingin' Johnsons [ t ] Ted Bundy's Volkswagen The Telephony Bandits of Doom Temporary Darkening of the Stool Testostertones The Texas Nazis Thank God We're Immortal They Tried To Frame OJ To Live and Shave in LA Toxic Shock and the Tampons Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew Tragic Mulatto Transsexual Hitler Trotsky Icepick [ u ] Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos [ v ] Vaginal Davis The Velcro Pygmies Vic Morrow's Head [ w ] The Well Hungarians Willie Nelson Mandela [ y ] Yoko Homo [ z ] Zip Code Rapists Zombies Under Stress Zulu Leprechauns
from the humor list (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Subject: Ain't It The Truth !!!!
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... Just an asshole.
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
What do you get when you take acid (LDS)?
A trip without the kids
How many Amherst students does it take to change a lightbulb? Thirteen--One to change the bulb and an acapella group to immortalize the event in song
How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.
How many Barnard girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's women, and that's not funny!!!
How many Boston College students does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
How many Boston University students does it take to change a lightbulb? Four--One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.
How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a lightbulb? Three--One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.
How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
How many Bucknell students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.
How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb? Seventy-six--one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.
How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb? None--Hanover doesn't have electricity.
How many Duke students does it take to change a lightbulb? A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.
How many George Mason students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
How many Georgetown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Four--One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American U. students.
How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many Holy Cross students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to screw it in, and one to pray to God it works.
How many Middlebury students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five--one to design a nuclear-powered bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--she calls a Smithie to do it.
How many Oberlin students does it take to change a lightbulb? Three--One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Reed students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--and she doesn't even need a ladder because she has platform Birkenstocks.
How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a lightbulb? Five--One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it. .
How many Smith students does it take to change a lightbulb? One--all you need is one hot woman and you'll never have a heterosexual lightbulb again.
How many Stanford students does it take to change a lightbulb? One, dude.
How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress.
How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two--One to change the bulb and one to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.
How many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.
How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a lightbulb? Wesleyan's boycotting GE--you know, military-industrial complex and all that.
How many Williams students does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? None--New Haven looks better in the dark.
So there I was, riding along, when a rabbit runs out in front of me. I feel a bump and look back to see the bunny still alive, but injured.
So I go back and consider what to do. Take it to a vet? Out comes a old fellow from a nearby house and yells "Wait on, I'll handle this!"
He comes over and pulls a bottle out of his pocket and dribbles a bit of it into the bunny's mouth.
The bunny get up, hops a bit and shakes his paw at us. Hops a bit more and shakes his paw at us again. It continues into the field, hopping and shaking its paw in our direction.
So I ask "What was that stuff you gave the bunny?"
The old guy replied," That was a bottle of hair restorer with permant wave."
--- a wife and two kids (if he's white); --- a pregnant wife and three kids (if he's black); --- a wife and eight kids (if he's Latino); --- no wife (if he's Asian).
Can you pass this Baby Boomer Quiz? (Answers below the quiz.. Don't cheat!)
Q1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.
Q2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)
Q3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)
Q4. What do M&M's do?
Q5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?
Q6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as... (2 words)
Q7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)
Q8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)
Q9. "M-I-C...See ya real soon. K-E-Y..." (+5 letters)
Q10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?
Q11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)
Q12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)
Q13. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)
Q14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)
Q15. Where have all the flowers gone?
Q16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)
Q17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial wearing women's pantyhose? (But do you know his nickname!)
Q18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong to the finish ..." (5 words)
Q19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?
Q20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised about his future and told to consider one thing. What?
Q21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2words) And he lied!
Q22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive.He stood 6'6", weighed 245, kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip and everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2 words)
Q23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)
Q24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)
Q25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)
Q26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!
Q27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today! Smile!" (4 words)
Q28. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? (Socratic answer required.)
A1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr
A2. Oh my!!
A3. It's Howdy Doody time!!
A4. Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
A5. Wonder Bread
A6. Casius Clay
A7. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
A8. Maynerd G. Krebbs
A9. Why?Because we like you.M-O-U-S-E
A10. their birthday suit
A11. "a little dab will do ya"
A12. over 30
A13. who wrote the BOOK OF LOVE
A14. absolutely nothin'
A15. gone to young girls every one
A16. the American Way
A17. Joe Nameth (Broadway Joe)
A18. cause I eats me spinach
A19. Mary Martin
A21. Dick Nixon
A22. Big John
A23. on Blueberry Hill.
A24. wherever you are.
A25. Good night, David
A26. pants on fire
A27. You're on Candid Camera!
A28. Who put the ram in the ram a lang a ding dong?
At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hardy partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final exam they decided to find their professor after the final was administered and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. Here is this year's list:
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
NEW YORK (AP) - The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of game 5 of the World Series.
The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.
"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets' batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit."
One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets' batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.
Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in interleague play earlier in the year.
"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."
Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.
"While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said.
Another portion of the Mets' legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games.
"It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours."
The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."
Stephen L. Gilligan
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Urban Legend - or Medical Facts? I don't know. Certainly water is good for you
I'd like to run a few more tests... I want the sunroof option for my new sports car... I'd like you to see a specialist... I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with you... Bend over... Bend over... (Hey, some things are bad enough without some deeper meaning!) Please make a follow-up appointment... I'd also like the CD player with the five-disc changer... The nurse will take over from here... I'm late for my tee-off time... I have good news and bad news... I have bad news... You'll feel some slight discomfort... This is gonna hurt like hell... Hmmm...that's interesting... What the heck is THAT thing? Any history of medical problems in your family? Can I blame genetics in case I mess up? This is a highly treatable disease... How much insurance are you carrying?
A man is sitting at the 50 yard line of the Super Bowl next to an empty seat. Another man comes along and says, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No," the first man replies, "That seat is empty."
"That is incredible!" says the second man. "Who in his right mind would give up a seat at the biggest sporting event ofthe year???"
"Actually, the seat belongs to me." says the first man. "You see," he says, "I was supposed to be here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since 1987," he said, sadly.
"Oh...I am so sorry," says the second man. "But couldnt you get someone else to come with you, A neighbor, a friend or a relative?"
The first man replied, "No, they are all at the funeral."
It's the Motor Vehicle Bureau in most states who send you the little card you're supposed to carry right next to your driver's license in your wallet. You're supposed to fill it out, and on it you're supposed to list the organs you're willing to give in case you die. Are these people out of their minds or something? Do you honestly believe that if a paramedic finds that card on you in an automobile accident he's gonna try to save your life? No way! He's looking for parts, man! Absolutely!.....'Look Dan, here's that lower intestine we've been looking for. Nevermind the oxygen, this man's a donor!'" -George Carlin