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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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TABLE of CONTENTS

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Yankonics - New England Phrases (MAIL1141.DOC)

Yankonics dictionary to help understand the way the New England yankee blue bloods speak.


Damn Yankees!!

PORTLAND, MAINE. In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the Portland Board of Educations announced today that, beginning February 1, 1997, all Portland schools would provide teacher and parent training in Yankee English, or so-called "Yankonics", recognizing Yankonics as distinct from standard English, and help Yankee children who use Yankonics to master standard English.

The district said it would not teach Yankonics, derived from the words Yankee and phonics, in place of standard English, and would not try to classify Yankonics-speaking students as bilingual in order to obtain federal funds. Both the Clinton Administration and congressional Republicans moved quickly to attack the announcement, with the Administration emphasizing that it would refuse to grant special funding.

An estimated 50 percent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee English at home, and district officials say they have the lowest average grade point averages in the district.

Reaction in the city was guarded, but supportive Lobsterman John Nadeau, 43, of Fore St., said," Every yeah, it gets hahda and hahda for ouah kids to get the jawbs they need. I cahn't say if this will wohk oah nawt, but at least it's a staht."

The lunch crowd at Demillo's echoed Nadeau's position, Mary Lamoreaux, 54, of Falmouth Foreside concurred, "I've got two daughtahs, neithah of whom cahn undahstahnd hahlf the things they heah on TV."

Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center, admitted that he's found his linguistic heritage a difficult cross to bear at times, "I went down New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some meetins. It took me close to two days to figuah out what people weah tahlking about. Rest assuahed, I was wicked confused when I gawt bahck."

Some, however, were not convinced. Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw artist in the Old Port said, "Deah Gawd, yeahs ago no one cahed so much about this soht of thing, we just went on about ouah business. I don't see much use in this. If people don't undastahnd what weah saying, then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshits, oah wheyeveh they came frawm." Asked if he'd lived in Portland all his life, Wentworth replied, "Not yet!"

Abbreviated Guide to Proper Yankonics: For anyone in or considering a trip to New England (particularly northern New England), this guide should help you get acclimated quickly...


Useful Chinese Phrases (97041707.DOC) and Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes (99H12801 DOC)

Yu Skoll Don, Sei Funnai Ding!

If you scroll down, you will observe a funny note.

Chinese Phrase                English Translation
 --------------                -------------------
Ai Bang Mai Ne        I bumped into the coffee table
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu     Let's sleep together
Ar U Wun Tu           A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat           You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong         Blow me
Dum Gai               A stupid person
Dung On Mai Shu       I stepped in feces
Fat Ho                An unattractive woman
Gun Pao Der           An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung         Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding        We have reason to believe you are harboring fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun         A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia               Approach me
Lao Ze Sho            Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi                Not very good
Lin Ching             An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding         A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn                A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai              A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be         A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne          A small horse
Ten Ding Ba           Serving drinks to people
Wa Shing Kah          Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim            Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting       There is no reason to raise your voice >>
Wan Bum Lung          A person with T.B.
Wel Hung Gai          Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low          Southern Chinese dialect for Welcome
Yu Mai Te Tan         Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Useful phrase for foreign travel - Oh my god! There's an axe in my head (97041805.DOC)

Here is a useful phrase in case you're planning to travel.

 
 English:               Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
 Afrikaans:             O God!  Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
 Alsatian:              Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
 Ancient Greek:         O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
 Assyrian:              iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
 Babylonian:            iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu
 Bengali:               Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
 Bosnian:               boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
 Danish:                Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
 Dutch:                 O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
 Esperanto:             Mia Dio!  Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
 Finnish:               Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
 French:                Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
 German:                Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
 Greek:                 hristo mou!  eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
 Hebrew:                Eloi!  Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!
 Hindi:                 Hay Bhagwaan!  Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
 Hungarian:             Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
 Icelandic:             Gud minn godur!  Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
 Irish:                 Mo Dhia!  Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
 Italian:               Dio mio!  C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
 Japanese:              ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu.
 Klingon:               ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
 Latin:                 Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
 Latvian:               Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!
 Malayalam:             Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
 Maori:                 Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
 Marathi:               Aray Devaa!  Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
 Middle Egyptian:       in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
 Norwegian:             Herre Gud! Jeg har en aks i hodet!
 Polish:                O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
 Portuguese:            Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
 Russian:               Bozhe moi!  Eto topor v moyei golove!
 Slovenian:             Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
 Spanish:               Dios mio!  Hay una hacha en mi cabeza!
 Swahili:               Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
 Swedish:               Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
 Tagalog:               Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
 Visigothic:            Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida
 Welsh:                 A nuw!  Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!

The Bird - An Anthropological study in socio-linguistics (97082604.DOC)

The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again.

The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.

The puzzler was: What was this body part?

This is the answer submitted by a listener:

Dear Click and Clack,

Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew".

Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

And yew thought yew knew everything!


Oxymorons (97100203.DOC)


Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say (97102101.DOC)


Worst Analogies (97102404.DOC)

These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest run by the Washington Post:


Spam Haikus (97120805.DOC)

1.
Blue can of steel
What promise do you hold?
Salt flesh so ripe

2.
Can of metal, slick
Soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt

3.
Twist, pull the sharp lid
Jerks and cuts me deeply but
Spam, aah, my poultice

4.
Silent, former pig
One communal awareness
Myriad pink bricks

5.
Clad in metal, proud
No mere salt-curing for you
You are not bacon

6.
And who dares mock Spam?
You? you? you are not worthy
Of one rich pink fleck

7.
Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate

8.
Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan

9.
Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?

10.
In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

11.
Pink tender morsel
Glistening with salty gel
What the hell is it?

12.
Ears, snouts and innards
A homogenous mass
Pass another slice

13.
Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty

14.
Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin

15.
Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian

European Union Spelling Enhancements (98032802.DOC)

THE EUROPEAN COMMISSION HAVE JUST ANNOUNCED AN AGREEMENT WHEREBY ENGLISH WILL BE THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE EU RATHER THAN GERMAN, WHICH WAS THE OTHER POSSIBILITY. AS PART OF THE NEGOTIATIONS, HER MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT CONCEDED THAT ENGLISH SPELLING HAD SOME ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT AND HAS ACCEPTED A 5 YEAR PHASE IN PLAN THAT WOULD BE KNOWN AS "EUROENGLISH"? --

IN THE FIRST YEAR, "S" WILL REPLACE THE SOFT "C".. SERTAINLY, THIS WILL MAKE THE SIVIL SERVANTS JUMP WITH JOY. THE HARD "C" WILL BE DROPPED IN FAVOR OF THE "K". THIS SHOULD KLEAR UP KONFUSION AND KEYBOARDS KAN HAVE 1 LESS LETTER.

THERE WILL BE GROWING PUBLIK ENTHUSIASM IN THE SEKOND YEAR, WHEN THE TROUBLESOME "PH" WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE "F". THIS WILL MAKE WORDS LIKE "FOTOGRAF" 20% SHORTER. IN THE 3RD YEAR, PUBLIK AKSEPTANSE OF THE NEW SPELLING KAN BE EXPEKTED TO REACH THE STAGE WHERE MORE KOMPLIKATED CHANGES ARE POSSIBLE.

GOVERNMENTS WILL ENKORAGE THE REMOVAL OF DOUBLE LETTERS, WHICH HAVE ALWAYS BEN A DETERENT TO AKURATE SPELING. ALSO, AL WIL AGRE THAT THE HORIBLE MES OF THE SILENT "E"'S IN THE LANGUAGE IS DISGRACEFUL, AND THEY SHOULD GO AWAY.

BY THE 4TH YAR, PEOPL WIL BE RESEPTIV TO STEPS SUCH AS REPLASING "TH" WITH "Z" AND "W" WITH "V". DURING ZE FIFZ YEAR, ZE UNESESARY "O" KAN BE DROPD FROM VORDS KONTAIINING "OU" AND SIMILAR CHANGES VUD OF KORS BE APLID TO OZER KOMBINATIONS OF LETERS.

AFTER ZIS FIFZ YER, VE VIL HAV A RELI SENSIBL RITEN STYL. ZER VIL BE NO MOR TRUBLS OR DIFIKULTIS AND EVRIVUN VIL FIND IT EZI TU UNDERSTAND ECH OZER.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU...


Parents' Dictionary (98042804.DOC)


Anagramatic Synchonicity (98052004.DOC)

Anagramic synchronicity (or rearranging the letters of a word to make an appropriately descriptive sentence)

 
  - Dormitory
  - Dirty Room
  - Desperation
  - A Rope Ends It
  - The Morse Code
  - Here Come Dots
  - Slot Machines
  - Cash Lost in 'em
  - Animosity
  - Is No Amity
  - Snooze Alarms
  - Alas! No More Z's
  - Alec Guinness
  - Genuine Class
  - Semolina
  - Is No Meal
  - The Public Art Galleries
  - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
  - A Decimal Point
  - I'm a Dot in Place
  - Eleven plus two
  - Twelve plus one
  - Contradiction
  - Accord not in it
  - Clint Eastwood
  - Old West Action
  - Western Union
  - No Wire Unsent
  - Conversation
  - Voices Rant On
  - The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel
  - Giant Work in Street, Partly Underneath
  - The Check is in the Mail
  - Claim "Heck, I sent it (heh)"
  - The United States Bureau of Fisheries
  - I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future
  - The Towering Inferno
  - Not Worth Fire Engine

- To be or not to be, that is the question; whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

- In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.


- "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A.Armstrong

- A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!


Children's Books You'll Never See (98H71713.DOC)

from a Washington Post contest


Word humor - Microsoft Thesaurus (98h72401.doc)

unable to follow directions supplied to the Microsoft Thesaurus in Microsoft Word provides an unexpected answer


Ghandi Twisted Language I (981C1202 DOC)

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Thus, he was known as a "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Ghandi Twisted Language II (00H40205 DOC)

Mahatma Ghandi
  a.. Because of his many travels in bare feet around India his feet became very callused
  a.. Because of his fasting he became very frail
  a.. Even when he ate, he couldn't eat properly, so he developed bad breath
In short, he became a:

Super-callused-fragile-mystic-complete-with-halitosis

Revealing Anagrams (99H20107 DOC)

Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

Dormitory                     Dirty Room
Evangelist                    Evil's Agent
Desperation                   A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code                Here Come Dots
Slot Machines                 Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity                     Is No Amity
Mother-in-law                 Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms                 Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness                 Genuine Class
Semolina                      Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries      Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point               I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes               That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two               Twelve plus one
Contradiction                 Accord not in it

This one is truly amazing:

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong

The Anagram:

"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

And for the grand finale; this phrase is a perfect anagram to start the impeachment trial:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


Notre Dame Bellringer (99H20110 DOC)

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.

The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?''

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

(but wait, there's more...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

[Wait for it...]

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


Tom Swifties (99H20302 DOC)

from the humor list (humor@lgk.com)


Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives (99H41605 DOC)

After much careful study, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:


Guide To The Blues - How To Sing The Blues (99H52305 DOC)

1. Most blues begin 'woke up this morning.'

2. 'I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

16. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)


Personalized Plate - Joke (99H70204 DOC)

It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate:
3M TA3
Can you tell why? -- E-mail webmaster if you give up


Language Facts (?) You Never Knew You Didn't Know (99H82308 DOC)


Actual label instructions (00h60701.doc)

On Sears hairdryer: 
"Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos: 
"You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." 
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: 
"Directions: Use like regular soap." 
(And that would be how . . .?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: 
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): 
"Do not turn upside down." 
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 
"Product will be hot after heating." 
(As night follows the day . . . )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: 
"Do not iron clothes on body." 
(But wouldn't this save more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: 
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this 
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents 
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those 
forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: 
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." 
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: 
"For indoor or outdoor use only." 
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: 
"Not to be used for the other use." 
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: 
"Warning: contains nuts." 
(Talk about a newsflash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." 
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's Superman costume: 
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: 
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." 
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? OH My........!)

Stephen L. Gilligan

Best Newspaper Headlines Of The Year (01h21801.html)

(claimed to be real)
  1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
  2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
  3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
  4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
  6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
  9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
  11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
  12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
  13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
  14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
  16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
  17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
  18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
  19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
  20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
  21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
  22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection >From Loved One
  23. War Dims Hope For Peace
  24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
  25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
  26. Deer Kill 17,000
  27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
  28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
  31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
  32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
  33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
  35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
  36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
  37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
  38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

English Spelling Revision (01h32105.html)

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!


How To Tell You Are From Massachusetts.... (01ha1914.doc)

You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of speech


Proud To Be An English Major (98H92811.DOC)

An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

And the professor (a man) marked all the women's answers wrong. He claimed that the instructions were to punctuate this sentence (singular). He refused to acknowledge he had not said that - even when someone played back a tape of the class.


Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn (00h80123.doc)

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
  2. The farm was used to produce produce.
  3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  10. I did not object to the object.
  11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  13. They were too close to the door to close it.
  14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend

Spell Checking Problem (01hc2001.doc)

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh. 

Spell Checking Problem - gets more difficult (02h21401.doc)

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore you pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Tom Swifties - old and new (00h70409.doc)

(new - you would have to add......)

"I'm coming!" Tom ejaculated.

(old - funny how things change growing up)

I remember him for declaring he "had run out of toothpaste" - Crest-fallenly


What A Difference 30 Years Makes (01h21802.html)

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.> >
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

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