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Reviews and information about David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from Amazon.Com
Yankonics dictionary to help understand the way the New England yankee blue bloods speak.
PORTLAND, MAINE. In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the Portland Board of Educations announced today that, beginning February 1, 1997, all Portland schools would provide teacher and parent training in Yankee English, or so-called "Yankonics", recognizing Yankonics as distinct from standard English, and help Yankee children who use Yankonics to master standard English.
The district said it would not teach Yankonics, derived from the words Yankee and phonics, in place of standard English, and would not try to classify Yankonics-speaking students as bilingual in order to obtain federal funds. Both the Clinton Administration and congressional Republicans moved quickly to attack the announcement, with the Administration emphasizing that it would refuse to grant special funding.
An estimated 50 percent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee English at home, and district officials say they have the lowest average grade point averages in the district.
Reaction in the city was guarded, but supportive Lobsterman John Nadeau, 43, of Fore St., said," Every yeah, it gets hahda and hahda for ouah kids to get the jawbs they need. I cahn't say if this will wohk oah nawt, but at least it's a staht."
The lunch crowd at Demillo's echoed Nadeau's position, Mary Lamoreaux, 54, of Falmouth Foreside concurred, "I've got two daughtahs, neithah of whom cahn undahstahnd hahlf the things they heah on TV."
Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center, admitted that he's found his linguistic heritage a difficult cross to bear at times, "I went down New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some meetins. It took me close to two days to figuah out what people weah tahlking about. Rest assuahed, I was wicked confused when I gawt bahck."
Some, however, were not convinced. Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw artist in the Old Port said, "Deah Gawd, yeahs ago no one cahed so much about this soht of thing, we just went on about ouah business. I don't see much use in this. If people don't undastahnd what weah saying, then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshits, oah wheyeveh they came frawm." Asked if he'd lived in Portland all his life, Wentworth replied, "Not yet!"
Abbreviated Guide to Proper Yankonics: For anyone in or considering a trip to New England (particularly northern New England), this guide should help you get acclimated quickly...
Yu Skoll Don, Sei Funnai Ding! If you scroll down, you will observe a funny note. Chinese Phrase English Translation -------------- ------------------- Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu Let's sleep together Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift Chow Mai Dong Blow me Dum Gai A stupid person Dung On Mai Shu I stepped in feces Fat Ho An unattractive woman Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring fugitive Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host Kum Hia Approach me Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island Lao Zi Not very good Lin Ching An illegal execution Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space program Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs Shai Gai A bashful person Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity? Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice >> Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B. Wel Hung Gai Is that a banana in your pocket? Won Hung Low Southern Chinese dialect for Welcome Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Here is a useful phrase in case you're planning to travel.
English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head. Afrikaans: O God! Daar's 'n byl in my kop! Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf! Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale! Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche. Bosnian: boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi. Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved. Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd. Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo! Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves! French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete. German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf! Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou! Hebrew: Eloi! Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li! Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain. Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!! Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer. Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta' tua sa mo cheann. Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa! Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu. Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'! Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est. Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva! Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei. Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna! Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay. Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i! Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en aks i hodet! Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie! Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca! Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove! Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi. Spanish: Dios mio! Hay una hacha en mi cabeza! Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil! Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet! Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko! Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida Welsh: A nuw! Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!
The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again.
The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: What was this body part?
This is the answer submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew".
Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew thought yew knew everything!
These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest run by the Washington Post:
1. Blue can of steel What promise do you hold? Salt flesh so ripe 2. Can of metal, slick Soft center, so cool, moistening I yearn for your salt 3. Twist, pull the sharp lid Jerks and cuts me deeply but Spam, aah, my poultice 4. Silent, former pig One communal awareness Myriad pink bricks 5. Clad in metal, proud No mere salt-curing for you You are not bacon 6. And who dares mock Spam? You? you? you are not worthy Of one rich pink fleck 7. Like some spongy rock A granite, my piece of Spam In sunlight on my plate 8. Little slab of meat In a wash of clear jelly Now I heat the pan 9. Oh tin of pink meat I ponder what you may be: Snout or ear or feet? 10. In the cool morning I fry up a slab of Spam A dog barks next door 11. Pink tender morsel Glistening with salty gel What the hell is it? 12. Ears, snouts and innards A homogenous mass Pass another slice 13. Old man seeks doctor "I eat Spam daily", he says. Angioplasty 14. Highly unnatural The tortured shape of this "food" A small pink coffin 15. Pink beefy temptress I can no longer remain Vegetarian
THE EUROPEAN COMMISSION HAVE JUST ANNOUNCED AN AGREEMENT WHEREBY ENGLISH WILL BE THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE EU RATHER THAN GERMAN, WHICH WAS THE OTHER POSSIBILITY. AS PART OF THE NEGOTIATIONS, HER MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT CONCEDED THAT ENGLISH SPELLING HAD SOME ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT AND HAS ACCEPTED A 5 YEAR PHASE IN PLAN THAT WOULD BE KNOWN AS "EUROENGLISH"? --
IN THE FIRST YEAR, "S" WILL REPLACE THE SOFT "C".. SERTAINLY, THIS WILL MAKE THE SIVIL SERVANTS JUMP WITH JOY. THE HARD "C" WILL BE DROPPED IN FAVOR OF THE "K". THIS SHOULD KLEAR UP KONFUSION AND KEYBOARDS KAN HAVE 1 LESS LETTER.
THERE WILL BE GROWING PUBLIK ENTHUSIASM IN THE SEKOND YEAR, WHEN THE TROUBLESOME "PH" WILL BE REPLACED WITH THE "F". THIS WILL MAKE WORDS LIKE "FOTOGRAF" 20% SHORTER. IN THE 3RD YEAR, PUBLIK AKSEPTANSE OF THE NEW SPELLING KAN BE EXPEKTED TO REACH THE STAGE WHERE MORE KOMPLIKATED CHANGES ARE POSSIBLE.
GOVERNMENTS WILL ENKORAGE THE REMOVAL OF DOUBLE LETTERS, WHICH HAVE ALWAYS BEN A DETERENT TO AKURATE SPELING. ALSO, AL WIL AGRE THAT THE HORIBLE MES OF THE SILENT "E"'S IN THE LANGUAGE IS DISGRACEFUL, AND THEY SHOULD GO AWAY.
BY THE 4TH YAR, PEOPL WIL BE RESEPTIV TO STEPS SUCH AS REPLASING "TH" WITH "Z" AND "W" WITH "V". DURING ZE FIFZ YEAR, ZE UNESESARY "O" KAN BE DROPD FROM VORDS KONTAIINING "OU" AND SIMILAR CHANGES VUD OF KORS BE APLID TO OZER KOMBINATIONS OF LETERS.
AFTER ZIS FIFZ YER, VE VIL HAV A RELI SENSIBL RITEN STYL. ZER VIL BE NO MOR TRUBLS OR DIFIKULTIS AND EVRIVUN VIL FIND IT EZI TU UNDERSTAND ECH OZER.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU...
Anagramic synchronicity (or rearranging the letters of a word to make an appropriately descriptive sentence)
- Dormitory - Dirty Room - Desperation - A Rope Ends It - The Morse Code - Here Come Dots - Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em - Animosity - Is No Amity - Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's - Alec Guinness - Genuine Class - Semolina - Is No Meal - The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet - A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place - Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one - Contradiction - Accord not in it - Clint Eastwood - Old West Action - Western Union - No Wire Unsent - Conversation - Voices Rant On - The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel - Giant Work in Street, Partly Underneath - The Check is in the Mail - Claim "Heck, I sent it (heh)" - The United States Bureau of Fisheries - I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future - The Towering Inferno - Not Worth Fire Engine
- To be or not to be, that is the question; whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
- In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
- "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A.Armstrong
- A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
unable to follow directions supplied to the Microsoft Thesaurus in Microsoft Word provides an unexpected answer
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
Thus, he was known as a "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Mahatma Ghandi a.. Because of his many travels in bare feet around India his feet became very callused a.. Because of his fasting he became very frail a.. Even when he ate, he couldn't eat properly, so he developed bad breath In short, he became a: Super-callused-fragile-mystic-complete-with-halitosis
Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it
This one is truly amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.""That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"And for the grand finale; this phrase is a perfect anagram to start the impeachment trial:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?''
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
(but wait, there's more...)
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
[Wait for it...]
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
from the humor list (humor@lgk.com)
After much careful study, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
1. Most blues begin 'woke up this morning.'
2. 'I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
16. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate:
3M TA3
Can you tell why? -- E-mail webmaster if you give up
On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how . . .?) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . ) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save more time?) On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a newsflash.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.) On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? OH My........!) Stephen L. Gilligan
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!
You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of speech
An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
And the professor (a man) marked all the women's answers wrong. He claimed that the instructions were to punctuate this sentence (singular). He refused to acknowledge he had not said that - even when someone played back a tape of the class.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore you pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
"I'm coming!" Tom ejaculated.
I remember him for declaring he "had run out of toothpaste" - Crest-fallenly
1970: Long Hair 2000: Longing for hair 1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.> > 1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for a BM 1970: The Grateful Dead. 2000: Dr. Kevorkian. 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint. 1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones. 1970: Being called into the principal's office. 2000: Calling the principal's office. 1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo. 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 1970: Take acid. 2000: Take antacid. 1970: Passing the driver's test. 2000: Passing the vision test. 1970: "Whatever" 2000: "Depends"