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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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TABLE of CONTENTS


Computer literacy - Computer Technical Support comic relief (96102901.DOC)

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton

  1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
  2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
  3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
  4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
  5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
  6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
  7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
  8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
  9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
  10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
  11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
  12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Spouse Installation Release Notes (97042004.DOC)

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another annoying problem-all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying messges about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.


Girl Friend Version Release Notes (98022508.DOC)

Read this information carefully: Don't Try to Install any of These

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right--as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.


Dr. Seuss Computer Manual (97072903.DOC)

WHAT IF DR. SEUSS WROTE COMPUTER MANUALS?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situations' hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers's gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Bill Gates Heaven or Hell (97090903.DOC)

Bill Gates suddenly dies, and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95, among other indiscretions.... I believe I'll do something I've never done before, I'll let YOU decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first."

So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven.

Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "If I have to choose only one, I believe I'll take Hell, sir." And with that, a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke again appeared, and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked Bill. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place.with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God.


American society for the protection of nerds! (97122307.DOC)

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers in California stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."


Redneck guide to computers (97122502.DOC)


Wordperfect Customer Support (98020910.DOC)

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
WP  "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Joe "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
WP  "What sort of trouble?"
Joe "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
WP  "Went away?"
Joe "They disappeared."
WP  "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Joe "Nothing."
WP  "Nothing?"
Joe "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
WP  "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Joe "How do I tell?"
WP  "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Joe "What's a sea-prompt?"
WP  "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Joe "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
WP  "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Joe "What's a monitor?"
WP  "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Joe "I don't know."
WP  "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Joe ......"Yes, I think so."
WP  "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
Joe ......"Yes, it is."
WP  "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
 cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Joe "No."
WP  "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
Joe ......"Okay, here it is."
WP  "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."
Joe "I can't reach."
WP  "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Joe "No."
WP  "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Joe "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
WP  "Dark?
Joe "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
WP  "Well, turn on the office light then."
Joe "I can't."
WP  "No? Why not?"
Joe "Because there's a power outage."
WP  "A power...  A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Joe "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
WP  "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Joe "Really? Is it that bad?"
WP  "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Joe "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
WP  "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Why did my computer freeze? - GM Cars Compared with Microsoft (98021201.DOC; 98032607.DOC, 98h71710.DOC)

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

  1. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  3. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  4. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  5. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
  7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  8. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key,and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  10. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn,would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  12. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
  13. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  14. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
  15. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age (98040207.DOC)

  1. A chat has nine lives.
  2. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  3. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  4. C:\ is the root of all directories.
  5. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  6. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  7. Fax is stranger than fiction.
  8. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
  9. Great groups from little icons grow.
  10. Home is where you hang your @
  11. In Gates we trust.
  12. Know what to expect before you connect.
  13. Modulation in all things.
  14. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  15. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  16. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  17. Speed thrills.
  18. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  19. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  20. The modem is the message.
  21. There's no place like http://www.home.com
  22. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  23. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  24. What boots up must come down.
  25. Windows will never cease.
  26. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Numerology about Bill Gates and Microsoft (98050606.DOC)

When you've got a spare moment between playing your Beatles' albums backwards and gazing at the spaceship behind Hale-Bopp, take a look at the latest hysteria regarding Bill Gates.

Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here, perhaps you'll be amused as well. Bill Gates' real name is William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates III (3rd). So, what's so eerie about this name?

OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!!

 B  66
 I  73
 L  76
 L  76
 G  71
 A  65
 T  84
 E  69
 S  83
 I   1
 I   1
 I   1
------
666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL........ 

Coincidence? Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get 666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.21!!! Are you sure this is not a Coincidence? You decide....

MS-DOS 6.21        77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49     = 666 
WINDOWS 95         87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1         = 666

Okay now for the good part!!!!!! For those of you who still have the OLD excel 95 (not office 97) try this out:

  1. Open a new file.
  2. Scroll down until you see row 95.
  3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row
  4. Press tab, to move to the second column.
  5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about microsoft excel
  6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button simultaneously.
  7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS. This is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you can walk all around the hall (use your arrow keys)...and on the sides of the walls are the names of the tortured souls....
  8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALL AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA. This will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall off (this is the hard part!), when you get to the end, you will see something really really eerie....

At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified that it is a real eye opener. It could be a joke by MS programmers or is it?...... Wouldn't be surprised if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", after all it was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction. And Bill Gates definitely have that kind of power in his hands. More than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and DOS (including those at Pentagon!) If all his products have some kind of small program embedded (like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control, setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, financial systems all over the world,etc......All from his headquarters isn't a far of reality! Just using Internet. Explorer may just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the endtimes are near and this is just a tip of the iceberg!? Quote from the Bible "He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666."...Revelations 13:16-18. See.... It is something for you to think about....if the Bible, in the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the beast one would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc. then. My question to you now is this..... Is Internet now a necessity in doing business? The Internet also bears the sign... Note that the Internet is also commonly known as the World Wide Web or WWW...One other way we write W is V/(VI) so ...... W W W becomes VI VI VI which becomes 6 6 6. This gives me something to ponder upon ... Isn't everything going towards the Internet? (i.e., buying/selling goods, business transactions). Isn't Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly when it comes to software technology? And now the Internet? Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be carried on one's Hand and one's forehead..... If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren't we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? Screens (forehead) and make use of the mouse (hand)??? Are things finally falling into place or are we just letting our imagination run??? Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy ....... so be VIGILANT!!! about Bill Gates and Microsoft. "To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast", is not the question. What if the WWW is the 666? Or Bill Gates be the Beast? What will you do?? Cancel subscriptions to the Internet? Resign from Microsoft? Set out a campaign against Bill Gates in the Internet? Shut down all Windows 95 forever? It will not do you any good...think about all this and pray, pray really hard, or else. [one really has to respect the effort that numerologists go to...]


Error Messages In Haiku (98052006.DOC))

Imagine if - your computer produced error messages in Haiku - instead of its cryptic, geeky, text strings. ...

 A file that big?
 It might be very useful.
 But now it is gone.
 The Web site you seek
 cannot be located but
 endless others exist
 Chaos reigns within.
 Reflect, repent, and reboot.
 Order shall return.
 ABORTED effort:
 Close all that you have.
 You ask way too much.
 First snow, then silence.
 This thousand dollar screen dies
 so beautifully.
 With searching comes loss
 and the presence of absence:
 "My Novel" not found.
 The Tao that is seen
 Is not the true Tao, until
 You bring fresh toner.
 Windows NT crashed.
 I am the Blue Screen of Death.
 No one hears your screams.
 Stay the patient course
 Of little worth is your ire
 The network is down
 A crash reduces
 your expensive computer
 to a simple stone.
 Yesterday it worked
 Today it is not working
 Windows is like that
 Three things are certain:
 Death, taxes, and lost data.
 Guess which has occurred.
 You step in the stream,
 but the water has moved on.
 This page is not here.
 Out of memory.
 We wish to hold the whole sky,
 But we never will.
 Having been erased,
 The document you're seeking
 Must now be retyped.
 Rather than a beep
 Or a rude error message,
 These words: "File not found."
 Serious error.
 All shortcuts have disappeared.
 Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device At Secret Hanford Facility (98052201.DOC)

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

"Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."


Announcing A New Technology: B.O.O.K.(98h61503.doc)

Finally! A technology so simple even brilliant PhDs from well-known universities can use it! Announcing the new "Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge" device (BOOK).

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire --yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (pages) recyclable), each sheet capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more sheets. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. Only the number of sheets in the BOOK limits the number.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment and education wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.


New Microsoft Product: Contraceptive98 (98h61504.doc)

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years.


Lost Helicopter (98H71711.DOC)

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE, AM?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."


Microsoft and Apple Employees (98h61801.DOC)

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."


Remember when... (98h73102.DOC)

A computer was something on tv
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And ram was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was when a band played at night
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a tv show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess Ii'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE (981b1206.DOC)

  1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and Dotcom.
  3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
  5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
  7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
  9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
  11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
  13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  14. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html"
  15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
  16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend.

Vaio PC haiku (981b1305.DOC)

In the wake of the Federal anti-trust suit against Microsoft, Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio.

Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been, until now, an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."

The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

 Chaos reigns within.
 Reflect, repent, and reboot.
 Order shall return.

 A file that big?
 It might be very useful.
 But now it is gone.

 The Web site you seek
 cannot be located but
 endless others exist

 ABORTED effort:
 Close all that you have.
 You ask way too much.

 First snow, then silence.
 This thousand dollar screen dies
 so beautifully.

 With searching comes loss
 and the presence of absence:
 "My Novel" not found.

 The Tao that is seen
 Is not the true Tao, until
 You bring fresh toner.

 Windows NT crashed.
 I am the Blue Screen of Death.
 No one hears your screams.

 Stay the patient course
 Of little worth is your ire
 The network is down

 A crash reduces
 your expensive computer
 to a simple stone.

 Yesterday it worked
 Today it is not working
 Windows is like that

 Three things are certain:
 Death, taxes, and lost data.
 Guess which has occurred.

 You step in the stream,
 but the water has moved on.
 This page is not here.

 Having been erased,
 The document you're seeking
 Must now be retyped.

 Rather than a beep
 Or a rude error message,
 These words:  "File not found."

 Serious error.
 All shortcuts have disappeared.
 Screen.  Mind.  Both are blank.

 Out of memory.
 We wish to hold the whole sky,
 But we never will.

Texas Windows 98 (981b1901.DOC)

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Texas. If you have one of the Texas editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Texas edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of Sam Houston superimposed on a picture of the Alamo. It is shipped with a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs. Other features, instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.


WINDOWS 2000 Messages ... (981b1803.DOC)

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

  1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
  10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
  11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
  12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted...Cereal port not responding.
  13. COFFEE.SYS missing...Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
  14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted...Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
  15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
  18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
  20. User Error: Replace user.
  21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
  22. Welcome to Microsoft's World...Your Mortgage is Past Due.
  23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
  24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Y2K Solution (981b0904.DOC)

Our Corporate Operations Committee has defined a lower cost alternative to the previously planned NT and Win98 system conversions which will also address the Y2K (Year 2000) issues we are facing.

All computers will be removed from the desktop by January 1, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with anEtch-A-Sketch. There are many sound and viable reasons for this decision:

  1. No Y2K problems.
  2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
  3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
  4. Reduction in technical support calls will reduce our costs associated with maintaining our I.M. help desk.
  5. Reduction in hardware costs.
  6. Elimination of all software license fees.
  7. Reduction in the amount of training necessary for new hires.
  8. Can be used at the desktop as well as away from the office due its extreme portability.
  9. Extremely low cost makes them disposable (when one breaks, we will simply replace it).
  10. We can now hire 1st graders to do your job.

In anticipation of the questions some of you will undoubtedly have regarding this corporate decision, we have prepared a list of the most Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't shake it.


Microsoft Changing Light Bulbs (981C0807 DOC)

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four.

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He holds the bulb in place and lets the world revolve around


Confutatis Maledictis (981C2305 DOC)

My Latin is gloriously rusty so I can't confirm it, but thought I would pass on a note I received this morning anyway.

Classical music buffs may have noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer that uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis"

Translation?

"The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."

Windows 98, anyone?

from the humor list (humor@lgk.com)!


Come The Millennium, Use The Stairs (99H10705 DOC)

By DAVE BARRY

I found myself thinking about the Millennium Bug a couple of weeks ago while listening to Perry Como sing Do You Hear What I Hear? to me on the telephone.

Ordinarily there is nothing I'd rather do than listen to Perry croon a Christmas carol over a speaker that has the acoustical fidelity of a wet kazoo. But in this case, I had been hoping to get through to a Customer Service representative of a large corporation that had just sent me, out of the blue, a letter informing me that my homeowner's insurance was being canceled. This letter caused me to experience one of those chilling homeowner moments, like when you see water coming from an electrical socket, or you realize that you have built your new kitchen addition directly over your septic tank, or you call home and the baby sitter says that the fire chief wants to talk to you, or the termite inspector shines his flashlight under your house and screams like the shower woman in Psycho.

So I really, really wanted to talk to a live human Customer Service representative, or even a reasonably intelligent Customer Service dog. But I was getting nowhere with the automated telephone-answering system, which was designed by the late Pol Pot. No matter what numbers I pressed on my touch-tone phone -- and I tried them all -- I always ended up with a very nice recorded woman saying: Please hold while your call is transferred to a Customer Service representative.; Then there would be some clicks, and I'd get ready to give my insurance policy number, and, there, on the line, would be: Perry Como. Perry would croon a few verses of Do You Hear What I Hear?; then I'd hear some more clicks; then I'd hear: a dial tone. Time to start over!

I went through this entire procedure five times. I began to wonder if maybe, as a result of a career slump, Perry Como actually WAS the Customer Service representative, and he was singing Christmas carols to himself in his little cubicle to pass the time while he waited for me to explain my problem. But of course the actual explanation is that the telephone-answering system at this corporation, like everything else in the world, is controlled by computers. And while we must recognize that computers are wonderful machines that have improved our lives in countless ways, we must also, by the same token, recognize that they are the evil demon spawn of hell.

This is why I'm worried about this Millennium Bug. By now, of course, you've heard about this problem: It's a glitch in computer software that, when transmitted via the bite of a mosquito, can cause severe chills and death.

No, sorry, that's malaria. The Millennium Bug is a glitch that makes it impossible for computers to understand what century it is. You can explain it to them until you're blue in the face, but they'll just look at you with the same blank, uncomprehending expression that appeared on Vice President Quayle whenever somebody asked him a tricky question like what his opinion was.

The cause of the Millennium Bug dates back to the 1960s, when computer programmers decided to represent certain types of data in shorthand. Thus 1967 became just "67"; Missouri became just "MO"; a broiled chicken sandwich with fries and a medium soft drink became just "The No. 4 Combo" and Charles A. Frecklewanker Jr. became just "Chuck". The programmers did this because, in the 1960s, computer memory was very expensive. Also, back then everybody except Bill Clinton was on drugs. Many of these programmers didn't KNOW what century it was.

Until recently, the Millennium Bug was not a problem. But now, with the year 2000 looming just ahead, we are facing a disaster. According to computer experts who have been studying the situation, on Dec. 31, at exactly midnight, the following chilling scenario is very likely to occur:

Millions of people will drink cheap champagne and put on stupid hats.

A significant number of these people will also sing incomprehensible lyrics about old acquaintance being forgot.

A nightmare? You bet it will be. Also there could be some computer problems. Picture this situation: At 11:59 p.m. on Dec. 31, you step into a crowded, computer-controlled elevator in a modern high-rise building. At the stroke of midnight, you and your co-passengers are suspended in an elevator shaft 50 floors up -- and suddenly, the elevator doesn't know whether the year is 1900 or 2000! You can imagine what might happen!

Nothing, that's what. Elevators don't NEED to know what year it is. But a co-passenger who has been drinking cheap champagne could throw up on your shoes.

This is just one of the possibilities we need to prepare for. Another one is that there might be a nuclear war, which -- not to alarm anybody -- would probably have a serious impact on the bowl games. Also, many experts are warning that our national communications network could be disrupted, making it impossible, for a while anyway, to reach anybody by telephone. So my advice is: Be prepared. Get yourself a Perry Como record NOW.

from The Miami Herald

Vacation Pay - Year 2000 (99H11510 DOC)

January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing Dept.

from the humor list (humor@lgk.com)!


This Just In.... Microsoft Purchasing USA (99H20117 DOC)

REDMOND, Wash. - Jan 24, 1999 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2000 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".

Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft
--------------------

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States
-------------------------------

Founded in 1776, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.


Buying Paint From An Airline (99H11814 DOC)

Buying paint from a hardware store...

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

Now, just try buying paint from an airline...

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, Sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow. That's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference. It's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff. I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly... maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and North bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is still $13.50.

And, thanks for flying -- I mean painting -- with our airline.


Gates in Hell (99H31611 DOC)

The US Justice Department - unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe - and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.

"You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation thinking he outsmatred the devil, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door.

As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best room in the house?"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The vintage bottle of wine you see - It has a hole in it.

"That Beautiful young lady - She doesn't"

"What about the PC?"

"Oh, If you look carefully, you'll see that it crashed!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."


Beatles Revised (99H62405 DOC)

YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay. 
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be, 
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone 
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away. 
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

ELEANOR RIGBY
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more. 
What is it for?
All the lonely users, 
where do they all come from? 
All the lonely users, 
why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program 
that no one will run; 
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits 
for the code to compile; 
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, 
where do they all come from? 
All the lonely users, 
why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 
6 hours of work; 
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys 
as he types in the code; 
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, 
where do they all come from? 
All the lonely users, 
why does it take so long? 

UNIX MAN (NOWHERE MAN)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans 
For nobody ... 
Making all his UNIX plans 
For nobody. 

WRITE IN C ('LET IT BE')
When I find my code in tons of trouble, 
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, 
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

SOMETHING
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps... 
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me... 
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it
Something in the listing will show me... 
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

Y2K Conversion: Blonde secretary's memo to her boss (99H81705 DOC)

      TO:    My Boss
      FROM:  Blondie
      RE:    Changing calendars  from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

                Januark
                Februark
                Mak
                Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

                 Sundak
                 Mondak
                 Tuesdak
                 Wednesdak
                 Thursdak
                 Fridak
                 Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant Let me know if you need anything else.


The Computer - Nevermore (00h53102.doc)

Since you seem to collect such things, here's one that was written back about 1989-90 by a friend of mine (who's been on the Internet since it was DARPAnet) named Roy H. Wells

(Apologies to Mr. E. A. Poe)
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand:
It read Abort, Retry, Ignore.
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
Oh no--my data base, I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
You'll see your data Nevermore!
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

A Poem For Computer Users Over 40 (01h11202.html)

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they WISH they were dead.
~ Author unknown 

Abbott & Costello meet the Computer Age (00ha2806.doc)

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 12.1 Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start

Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.


Chain Letters in the Computer World (00hb0602.doc)

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and Everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Caesar in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Screw them!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Keep Scrolling

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :)

Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends.

FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, and then thrown to vicious dogs.

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.

A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.


Churn, Churn, Churn (Song) (01h61307.doc)

(for you Byrds fans and especially those who complained about my e-mailAngel theme song - Doug) http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/91q1/churn.html

Churn, Churn, Churn (a song parody)
scannell@bubba.ma30.bull.com (P Scannell)
(original, computer, smirk)
Copyright 1991 Patrick D. Scannell, Used by Permission
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to debug, a time to code,
To test local mail, to send node to node,
A time to build, and to integrate,
And a time to explain why it's late
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to reboot, a time to crash,
A time for checks, a time for cash,
A time to rush, a time to wait,
And a ti-ime to be-e kept waiting,
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to eat lunch, a time to write specs,
A time to go home, a time to have fun,
A time to work, a time to work,
And a time to work o-overtime
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to reflect, a time to explain,
A time to object, a time to refrain,
A time to agree, a time to fight,
But no time to do the job right
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
A time to design, a time to code,
To send local mail, to send node to node,
A time to build, a time to test,
And a time to be taken away for a long rest
To everything (churn churn churn)
There is a deadline (churn churn churn)
And a time you should have finished every project.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)

ID ten T (01h12716.html)

Last week, I was having problems with my computer, so I called Computer Exchange, since we've done a lot of business with them. After trying to explain my problem over the phone, the guy agreed to come out to our house and see what was wrong.

He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was turning to leave, I asked him, "So, what was wrong?" he replied, "It was an ID ten T error." A puzzled expression ran over my face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave me a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(I wrote...) I D 1 0 T


How To Impress a Client... (00H92102.doc)

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Frank" at me when I was with my client.

He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Frank, what's happening?" To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, can't you see I'm in a meeting"


The FIRST Virus Warning (01h60401.html)

Subject: Virus Alert

Subject: DO NOT OPEN THE GIFT HORSE

Hey Hector, This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks, Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

----------------

FROM:
TO:
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it, and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

No rest for the weary, Hector


Amish Virus (01h32901.doc)

You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.

Thank thee


Merry Christmas Song (01hc2603.doc)

 On the Twelfth day of Christmas,
 My true love gave to me,
 Twelve census searches,
 Eleven Printer ribbons,
 Ten e-mail contacts,
 Nine headstone rubbings,
 Eight birth and death dates,
 Seven town clerks sighing,
 Six second cousins,
 Five coats of arms,
 Four GEDCOM files,
 Three old wills,
 Two CD-ROMS
 And a branch in my family tree.

Signs You Live in the Year 2002 (02h21807.txt)

  1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
  3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
  4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
  5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.
  6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
  7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
  10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20, 30 or 40 years of your life, is cause for a panic and you turn around to go get it.
  12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
  13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
  16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.
  18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. (OUCH!)
  19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phones calls.
  20. You disconnect from the Internet and get an awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
  23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.= :)
  24. YOU'RE READING THIS!!!!!!!
  25. EVEN WORSE: YOU'RE GOING TO FORWARD IT TO SOMEONE ELSE, JUST LIKE I DID!

Bill Gates Picks Between Heaven and Hell (03h60701.doc)

Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill said, "What's the difference between the two?" God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."

"As you wish," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."


PLEASE E-MAIL NEW JOKES and COMMENTS to: [webmaster].
You can help balance the targets of the humor!


The Last Page of the Internet (00h32911.doc)

Attention:






You have reached the very last page of the Internet.




We hope you have enjoyed your browsing.




Now turn off your computer and go outside and play.