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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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TABLE of CONTENTS


The Perfect Story (Man, Woman, Santa Claus) (97100202.DOC)

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)


























Female Response: The perfect woman. (Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.)

______________________________________________________

Male Response (So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.) -- Charlie.


Stupid newlyweds (97100701.DOC)

Did you hear about the Stupid newlyweds? It seems that on their first night together they decided to set up signals concerning their 'urges'. The lady said 'If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice.' The gent said 'OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times.'


Women Swim English Channel. (97100701.DOC)

There were three women preparing t swim the english channel; one was a pollac, one was a mexican, and the other one was an american. After taking off, three days later the American came in and said 'Boy that was a long hall, I sure am glad I made it!' 3 more days and the Mexian came in and said 'Wow!!' 35 days later, the pollac came in and said 'THAT'S NOT FAIR!! You said that we had to do breast stroke!! The other two used their hands!!'


Marriage Quotables (97100701.DOC)

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must 
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  - David Bissonette

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.  - 
Noel Coward, 1956

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 
keep her.  - Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in 
Europe-Jackie Mason

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get 
in, and those inside desperate to get out.  - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just 
can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and 
suffering.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second 
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when 
they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage, 
the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 
word you say, talk in your sleep.

DUI (97100701.DOC)

Sitting in his squad car outside a notoriously rowdy bar for possible DUI violators, a cop smirked as he watched a fellow stumble out the door, trip on the curb and try 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.

One by one, the drivers of the other cars emerged from the bar and drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.

'Easy,' was the reply. 'Tonight was my turn to be the decoy!'


Guinevere's Chastity Belt (97100701.DOC)

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the greatful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

'Sir Galahad', exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But Sir Galahad was speechless.


Surgical Differences Between Occupations (97100701.DOC)

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.'

The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.'

The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, 'I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangable.'


Rejected Dr Suess books - adult (97102502.DOC)

  1. The Cat in the Blender
  2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  3. Fox in Detox
  4. Who Shat in the Hat?
  5. Horton Hires a Ho
  6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
  7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
  9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
  10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
  12. Are You My Proctologist?
  13. Yentl the Lentil
  14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
  15. Aunts in My Pants
  16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
  17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
  18. The Grinch's Ten Inches

What men really mean...when their lips move (97103004.DOC)

We all know that men have a way of speaking that only they can understand. Ladies, here is your translation for common men's statements heard after being married or in a relationship.

x'I'm going fishing.'  
   Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by
   a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

x'Woman driver.' 
   Really means.... 'Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
   gestures and has a better driving record than me.' 

x'I don't care what color you paint the kitchen.'  
   Really means.... 'As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
   lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.

x'It's a guy thing.'  
   Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
   and you have no chance at all of making it logical.' =

x'Can I help with dinner?'  
   Really means.... 'Why isn't it already on the table?' 

x'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'  
   Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. 

x'Good idea.'  =
   Really means.... 'It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.' 

x'Have you lost weight?' =
  Really means.... 'I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.' 

x'My wife doesn't understand me.'  
   Really means.... 'She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them

x'It would take too long to explain.'  
   Really means.... 'I have no idea how it works.' 

x'I'm getting more exercise lately.'  
  Really means.... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.' 

x'We're going to be late.'  
  Really means.... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.'

x'You cook just like my mother used to.' 
   Really means.... 'She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.' 

x'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'  
   Really means.... 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.' 

x'That's interesting, dear.' 
  Really means.... 'Are you still talking?' 

x'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
   Really means.... 'I forgot our anniversary again.' 

x'It's a really good movie.'  
   Really means.... 'It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.

x'That's women's work.'  
   Really means.... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.' 

x'Go ask your mother.'  
   Really means.... 'I am incapable of making a decision.' 

x'You know how bad my memory is.'  
   Really means.... 'I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the
   first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every
   car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.' 

x'I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.'  
   Really means.... 'The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.' 

x'Football is a man's game.' 
   Really means.... 'Women are generally too smart to play it.' 

x'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.' 
   Really means....'I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.' 

x'I do help around the house.'  
   Really means.... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.'

x'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.' 
   Really means.... 'And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.' 

x'What did I do this time?'  
   Really means.... 'What did you catch me at?' 

x'What do you mean, you need new clothes?'  
   Really means.... 'You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.' =

x'But I hate to go shopping.' 
   Really means.... 'Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.' 

x'No, I left plenty of gas in the car.' 
   Really means.... 'You may actually get it to start.'

x'I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.'  
   Really means.... 'I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor
   with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.' 

x'I heard you.'  
   Really means.... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
   hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
   the next 3 days yelling at me.' 

x'You look terrific.'  
   Really means.... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.' 

x'I brought you a present.'  
   Really means.... 'It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.' 

x'I missed you.' 
   Really means.... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and weare
   out of toilet paper.'

x'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'  
   Really means.... 'No one will ever see us alive again.' 

x'We share the housework.'  
   Really means.... 'I make the messes, she cleans them up.' 

x'I recycle.'  
   Really means.... 'We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.'

x'Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.'  
   Really means.... 'Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?' 

x'It sure snowed last night.'  
   Really means.... 'I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.'

x'It's good beer.' 
   Really means.... 'It was on sale.' 

x'I don't need to read the instructions.' 
   Really means.... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.'

x'I'll fix the garbage disposal later.'  
   Really means.... 'If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a  new one.' 

x'I'll take you to a fancy restaurant.' 
   Really means.... 'Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.' =

x'I broke up with her.' 
   Really means.... 'She dumped me.' 

x'Will you marry me?' 
   Really means.... 'Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
   washer, and there is no more peanut butter.' 

Words of Wisdom - About Love; Marriage Questions And Answers (99H41603 DOC, 97121003.DOC)

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
'Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.' (Judy, 8)
'Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!' (Tom, 5)
'Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.' Camille, age 10
'No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.' Freddie, age 6

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
'On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for the second date.' (Mike, 10)
'Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.' (Lynnette, age 8)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
'You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.' (Jim, 10)
'When they're rich.' (Pam, age 7)
'Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.' (Kelly, 9)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
'It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.' (Anita, age 9)
'It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble.' (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
'No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.' (Jan, 9)
'I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.' (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
'Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.' (Roger, 9)
'If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.'(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
'If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.' (Jeanne, 8)
'It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.' (Gary, 7)
'Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.'(Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
'They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them.' (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
'I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television.' (Anita, 6)
'Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.' (Bobby, 8)
'I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough!' (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
'One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.' (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
'Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.' (Del, 6)
'Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.' (Alonzo, 9)
'One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.' (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
'Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.' (John, 9)
'Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.' (Brad, 8)
'It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire.' (Christine, 9)
'Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.' Eddie, age 6
'You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.' Errick, age 8

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY 'I LOVE YOU'
'The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.' (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
'You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.' (Doug, 7)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
'It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it.' (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
'Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.' (Tom, 7)
'Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love.' (Roger, 8)
'Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.' (Randy, 8)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
'You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.' Alan, age 10
'The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.' Curt, age 7
'The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.' Howard, age 8
'No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.' Kirsten, age 10

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
'Both don't want no more kids.' Lori, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
'I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.' Craig, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
'There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?' Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
'Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.' Ricky, age 10


Why Men Can't Win (98012303.DOC)


Texan Courtship Problem (98031405.DOC)

I am beginning to gain a small understanding of why it is that we Northerns find a cultural gap with the Texans.

In Texas people say that what we write with - pens - are really 'pins'.

In Texas they like to court and marry women named Peg - which by their own admission are really 'pigs'.


Abstain From Sex For Two Weeks - For Church (98032803.DOC)

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, 'We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, 'Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replies, 'No problem at all, Pastor.' 'Congratulations!Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied, 'The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.' 'Congratulations! Welcome to the church,' said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?' 'Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,' the young man replied. 'What Happened?' inquired the pastor. 'My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.'

'You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,' stated the pastor. 'That's OK,' said the young man, 'We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either.


Talking Frog (98032803.DOC)

Two young ladies were walking down the road when a frog jumped out in front of them and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn into Bill Clinton.' One of the girls picked up the frog and put in her pocket.

'What are you doing?' her friend exclaimed.

'I'd rather have a talking frog,' said the girl.


Sex From Aides (98040103.DOC)

This just in...

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today
that the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides.

Sailor Saves Young Lady (98040208.DOC)

A depressed young woman was so desperate ,that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, 'Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained.

'He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me.'

'He sure is, lady,' said the Captain. 'This is the Staten Island Ferry.' >>


Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans (98050403.DOC)

16> We're working on that smell thing, too. 

15> Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car. 

14> As seen on 'COPS'

13> If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets

12> Not just for nooners anymore. 

11> We left off the 9, but you know it's there. 

10> You rented the room, now buy the video. 

9> Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.

8> We'll leave the Lysol for ya! 

7> Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

6> We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery  *better*

5> It's Hookerriffic!

4> Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins 

3> Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet since 1962!

2> Cheap and Easy-Just Like Your Mother 

     and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan... 

1> We put the 'Ho' in 'Motel' 

Zachery Disease - 'Sick Demeaning Sexual Word Jokes' (98050503.DOC)

A recently divorced woman was having some problems attracting members of the opposite sex and started to wonder if there was something wrong with her. She talked to a friend who recommended she see this Chinese doctor who had great success in these matters.

The woman calls the doctor's office and makes an appointment for the next day.

When the woman went in to see the doctor he asked her what the problem was. She said 'Well doctor, I haven't been getting any because I can't seem to attract any men - they just don't seem remotely interested'.

Whereupon the Chinese doctor said 'Please do the following for me. Take off your crowes, get down on all fours and craw away from me towards the fah end of the woom.'

The lady was confused but was desparate for an answer so she did as she was told.

The doctor then said 'Now tun wound and craw back the other way toward me' and once again the lady followed the instruction.

When the lady finished, the doctor proclaimed 'I know what your problem is. You have Zachery Disease.'

The lady was now totally confused, not ever hearing of this disease before. She said 'Doctor, I don't understand. What is this Zachery disease.'

The doctor replied 'Zachery Disease - The reason that you can't attract any men is because your face look Zachery like your ass!'


Haircuts (Male And Female) (98050701.DOC)

Women's Version:

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Lord no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men's Version:

Man 2: Haircut?

Man 1: Yeah.


9 Kinds Of Girlfriends (98051304.DOC)

1)  Ms. Nice Gal - 'Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling,
       you shouldn't have'
     Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my
     main squeeze, doormat
      Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
      Disadvantages: May wise up someday

2)   Old Yeller - 'You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass
        no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me
        miserable??'
      Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady,
      Warthog from Hell
       Advantages: Pays attention to you
       Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

3)   Sickly - 'Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My
        cellulite'
       Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
       Advantages: Predictable
       Disadvantages: Contagious

4)   The Bosser - 'Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a
         haircut.  Change your job.  Make some money. Don't
         give me that look.'
        Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all,
        Ball and Chain, yes Mom
        Advantages: Often right
        Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5)  Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - 'I just can't decide.  Should I switch
         my career, goals, home, and hair color?'
        Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
        Advantages: Easily soothed
        Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6)   Wild Woman out of Control - 'I've got an idea. Lez get drunk
         an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun.'
        Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
        Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
        Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7)   Huffy - 'I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
         snickering at'
       Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly
       proposition, iceberg, Snarly
       Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
       Disadvantages: You will have no friends

8)  Woman from Mars - 'I believe this interpretive dance will
       explain how I feel about our relationship'
       Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony,
       Bad News, Artistic
       Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
       Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

9)  Ms. Dreamgirl - 'I am utterly content with you just the
       way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think
       we must make love like crazed weasels now'
       Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection,
        Gorgeous
       Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
       Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Elbow Really Hurts (98052801.DOC)

One day, Pete complained to his friend, 'My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.' His friend said, 'don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00.'

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper which read:

            You have tennis elbow.
            Soak your arm in warm water. 
            Avoid heavy labor.
            It will be better in two weeks. 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:

            Your tap water is too hard. 
            Get a water softener.
            Your dog has ringworm.
            Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
            Your daughter is using cocaine.
            Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. 
            Your wife is pregnant-twin girls.
            They aren't yours.
            Get a lawyer.
            And if you don't stop jerking off,
            Your tennis elbow will never get better. 

Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone (98060404.DOC)

by Matt Groening

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their 'i's' with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their 'p's' and 'g's'. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of 'Love, American Style.'

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.


With Viagra Such A Hit, Pfizer Is Bringing Forth A Whole Line Of Drugs (98060405.DOC)

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and 'little accidents.'

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into 'special prosecutors.'

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.


Mother of Six (98h62207.DOC)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...

'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'


That's One (98h61506.DOC)

An older farmer, quite set in his ways and accustomed to training all his farm animals, met an older city girl who was willing to share her life with him.

After the wedding, the new bride and groom set off in their one-horse buggy out to the farm.

After a little while, the horse stumbled in a rut in the dirt road. The farmer climbed down from the rig, faced the horse, and in a firm voice said 'that's one.'

Back in the buggy the horse trotted at a goodly pace until the horse stumbled again. This time from a large rock in the road.

Down again, facing the horse for the second time, the farmer said, 'that's two.'

And so it came to pass the horse stumbled for the third time. This time, the farmer reached into the back of the buggy, picked up a post-hole digger, moved to the front of the horse and gave it such a blow in the head that the horse died instantly.

The new wife was quite upset at this action and berated the farmer, reminding him that the horse he killed was a valuable piece of livestock that would have to be replaced.

The farmer climbed back up in the rig, faced his bride and said, 'that's one.'


Sex Web Sites (98061702.DOC)

Is it true that adult sites are going to be changed and given the domain '.cum'?


The Execution (98h72307.doc)

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!...Aim!!

Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!..Aim!!...

Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ... And the blonde yells, FIRE!!!


Word humor - Microsoft Thesaurus (98h72401.doc)

unable to follow directions supplied to the Microsoft Thesaurus in Microsoft Word provides an unexpected answer.


Blonde Jokes (98H82005.DOC)

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F' (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T' (letters only).'

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly 'T-G-I-F' another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'

The man answered, 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'


Q.    What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? 
A.    Pregnant

There was a blond, a brunette, and a redhead that were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?

After pondering the question she answered, I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet .

They said well okay, thank you. And told her that they would get back to her.

Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply she said 'I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.' Also saying thank you and that they would get back to her.

Next the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question that they asked the brunette and the redhead. What planet would you like to go to?

She thought for a while and replied I would like to go to the sun. The people from NASA replied, why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death.

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. 'Are you guys dumb? 'I'd go at night.'


It was George, the mailman's, last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where the obvious happened.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you; He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.'


Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other 'Here's to 17 days!'

Smiling, the bartender says, 'Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?'

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, 'Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!'


Q.    What does a blonde ask when she finds out that she's pregnant?
A.     'Is it mine?'

A smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Claus were walking when they saw a $10 bill on the floor.

Q.  Who picked it up?
A.  The dumb blonde - the rest are mythical figures.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

'You can't get out of your room?' the captain asked, 'Why not?'

The stewardess replied, 'There are only three doors in here,' she sobbed, 'one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!'


Q.  How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A.  Tell her she is pregnant.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger as they were locked out. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, 'Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down'


There once was a blond woman who was very interested in ice fishing. She read up on it, bought the clothes, and most importantly she got the equiment. She went to the lake and she drilled a hole in the ice and poured a cup of coffee and waited for the fish....then all of a sudden she heard a voice from above saying 'there are no fish under the ice!' she looked around but the was the only one there. but she picked up her stuff anyway and moved. she set up her stuff sat down with her coffee and started to get comfy when she heard the same voice saying 'there are no fish under the ice, i promise, there are no fish under there' so this time she looked around a little scared. but she moved all the way to the other end of the lake and she set up her stuff and got her coffee and sat down. then the voice said 'there are no god damn fish under the ice!' she looked up, scared and said'are you God?' 'no, i'm the rink manager, and you are drilling holes all over the skating area. '


Q: Why do you see a blond staring at an orange juice container?
A: it says CONCENTRATE

Q: Santa Claus a smart blond and a good lawyer were standing on top of a tall bridge and they all jumped off, who got to the water first?

A: Santa Claus, the other 2 don't exist


Birds and Bees (981b0903.DOC)

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, 'Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him.' His mom is taken by surprise and says, 'Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again.'

The boy says, 'Well, that won't work !' His mom says, 'Why ?', and the boy replies, 'Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!'


Sisters of Mercy (981b0905.DOC)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

He slowly begins to think that the signs are for real when he drives past third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF MERCY.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.' The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.' He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.


Redneck Poetry Analysis (981b0906.DOC)

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Alabama Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.

The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu.'

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

  
   'Slowly across the desert sand
   Trekked the dusty caravan.
   Men on camels, two by two
   Destination-Timbuktu.'
The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.

Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

   'Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
   Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
   They was three, we was two,
   So I bucked one and Timbuktu.'

Strangers on a Train (981b0907.DOC)

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, 'I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.'

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, 'I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.'

'Why not,' giggles the woman.

'Good,' he replies. 'Get your own damn blanket.'


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN (981a2901.DOC):

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN (981a2901.DOC):


Why Men Can't Win (981b0402.doc)

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.


Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work (981b1808.DOC)

What a woman says:

'This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
don't do laundry right now!'

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW !!

Prison (981B1807.DOC)

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, 'So, what did you bring?' The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'Grandma Moses of Jail'. Then he asked the first, 'What did you bring?'

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, 'I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.' The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, 'Why are you so smug? What did you bring?'

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said 'I brought these.' The other two were puzzled and asked - 'What can you do with those?' He grinned and pointed to the box and said - 'Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....


Speeding Citation - Excuse (981B1809.DOC)

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

'There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. 'What the heck am I doing?' he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. 'I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I have never heard before you can go!'

'Last week my wife ran off with a cop,' the man said, 'and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'


Speeding Citation - Would this Work? (981b1811.doc)

The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, was pulled over for speeding by a Washington Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, the woman said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball.'

He replied, 'No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls.' There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. The patrol officer closed his ticket book, got back on his motorcycle and left.


Chemistry: Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic (981b2004.DOC)

Actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm: 'Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.'

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, 'That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.


Happy Halloween trick or treat (981a2904.doc)

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'my dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too.'

The nun says, 'O.K., pull into the next alley.' He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child, why are you crying?'

'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's O.K., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.'


RULES THAT STRAIGHT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW (981a1518.DOC)

  1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
  3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
  4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
  7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
  8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
  9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
  10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  11. Shopping is not sport.
  12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
  13. You have enough clothes.
  14. You have too many shoes.
  15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
  16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
  17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
  18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
  22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
  24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  25. Check your oil.
  26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
  27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
  28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together
  29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
  32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
  33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
  34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
  36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
  38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
  39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
  40. Anyone can buy condoms. AND FINALLY,
  41. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Ann Landers (981C0305 DOC)

Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time 'working girl' in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?


Government Study On Penis Shape (981C0306 DOC)

In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 3 weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


Reasons E-Mail Is Like A Penis (981C0403 DOC)


Chauvinist Jokes (From An Obviously Single Guy) (981C2101 DOC)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.


All wives are alike,
but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.


I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.


What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.


Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.


Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is Wedding Cake.


Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.


Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.


Young Son: 'Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad:
That happens in every country, son.


A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:'Wife Wanted.' The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and then says,
'OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death.'


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.


Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


IRS Notice Of Increase In Tax Payments (981C2203 DOC)

From: IRS Service Center, Andover, Massachusetts

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts

Effective January 1, 1999 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

Males exceeding 12' must file a capital gains return

NOTE: Anyone under 4' is eligible for a refund but PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS


Which Woman To Chose (981C2307 DOC)

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, 'I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear.'

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo VCR and month's supply of beer saying, 'I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so.'

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, 'I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear.'

The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest tits.

As my uncle Olaf used to say....'Tits are the breast part of a woman'


Penile Frog Joke (981C3006 DOC)

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. (No men either, one would think.) Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. 'Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter.' Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.

'Will you marry me?' he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, 'No.' Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks-let's try that again.

'Will you marry me?' he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, 'No!' Twitch-the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again,

'Will you marry me?' Frog yells back, 'Look - how many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!'


Mickey Mouse Divorce (99A10501 DOC)

Mickey Mouse goes to the judge and says that he wants a divorce from Minnie.

The judge tells Mickey that he is sorry, but just because Minnie is crazy doesn't mean that he has grounds for divorce.

Mickey tells the Judge, 'I didn't say that she was 'crazy', I said she was fuckin' Goofy.'


Air Travel First Class? (99H12511 DOC)

Cross-country flight

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I`m sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you`re seated in first class; I`m afraid you`ll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I`m blonde, and I`m beautiful, and I`m going to New York to be a model.'

Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I`m sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you`ll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I`m blonde, and I`m beautiful, and I`m going to New York to be a model'-and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he`ll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde`s ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I`m impressed ... what did you say to her?' he captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn`t go to New York.'


Wisdom About Life ... (The Way It Should Be) (99H12011 DOC)

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first,
get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch,
you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party,
you get ready for high school. You go to grade school,
you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities,
you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you
spend your last nine months warm, happy, and floating...
you finish off as an orgasm. --- George Carlin quote


The Lipstick Problem (99H30905 DOC)

Tom Vaculik reported that a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors everyday.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He proceeded to take out a long handled brush, dip it in the nearest toilet, and scrubbed the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.


5 Reasons Not To Be A Penis ... (99H31001 DOC)

First of all, you're bald your entire life.
Second, you have a hole in your head.
Third, you live between two nuts.
Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.
Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.

Blondes: Questions and Answers (99H31701 DOC)

Question: Why are the Japanese so smart?
Answer: No Blondes.

Question: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
Answer: You have to hollow out the head.

Q & A: Did you hear about the blonde who though a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass?

Question: Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
Answer: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the type writer.

Question: Why did the dumb blonde take a pee in the middle of the cafeteria?
Answer: She saw a sign that read 'Wet Floor'.

Question: What's the advantage in being married to a blonde......
Answer: You can park in the handicapped zone.

Question: What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
Answer: An air mattress.

Question: How can you tell if a blonde has been the in fourth grade too long?
Answer: All the other kids start bringing her apples because they think she's the teacher.

Question: What do you call it when Susanne Sommers tries to teach Madonna to cook.....
Answer: The blonde leading the blonde.

Question: Why are blonde jokes so short?
Answer: So men can tell them.

Jigsaw Puzzle (99H62904 DOC)

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says 'Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.'

Her friend asks 'What is it a puzzle of?'

The blonde says 'From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:

'First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.'

Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.'


Unmarried At Home (99H82306 DOC)

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter nakedon the bed with a vibrator. 'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband.'

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I am 35. still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. This was too much, she could not handle the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. 'What are you doing?' she asked.

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'


Two new chemical elements (99H20618 DOC)

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for Dispersion of Wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can Get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell


Why Guys Like Girls - The Lovers of the Heart (99H21305 DOC)

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo

2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder

3. How cute they look when they sleep

4. the ease in which they fit into our arms

5. the way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world

6. How cute they are when they eat

7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while

8. because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside

9. the way they look good no matter what they wear

10. the way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth

11. How cute they are when they argue

12. the way her hand always finds yours

13. the way they smile

14. the way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight

15. the way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....

16. the way they kiss when you do something nice for them

17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you'

18. actually... just the way they kiss you...

19. the way they fall into your arms when they cry

20. then the way they apologize for crying over something that's silly

21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt

22. then the way apologize when it does hurt.(even though we don't admit it!)

23. the way they say "I miss you"

24. the way you miss them

25. the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore...

...Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to where they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.


The Lovers of the Heart >>

In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss.

Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss

1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you

2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends

3. Kiss on the neck... I want you

4. Kiss on the lips... I love you

5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing

6. Kiss anywhere else... lets not get carried away

7. Look in your eyes... kiss me

8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you.

9. Hand on your waist... I love you too much to let you go

Article 2: The Three Steps

1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him

2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good

3. Guys and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare

Article 3: The Commandments

1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard

2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss,just give one or take one.

3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity. (with only one partner at a time


Married for 40 Years (99H21603 HTM)

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner, the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said: " I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."


Dress Code (99H30103 DOC)

The following memorandum was sent to the Department Directors of this hospital:

"As indicated to you at the Department Directors Meeting today, because of continuous embarassing situations, it is necessary to require that such clothing worn by female staff members must not be worn above the knee."

I am sure this directive will lead to an exacerbation of the continued embarrassing situations and I am certain your staff artists will find a way to illustrate this notice.


Last Word (99H91207 DOC)

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy... (99H92411 DOC)


Wife 1.0 (99HA0702 DOC)

To: Technical Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected duplication (child processing) that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other systems activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3.1, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Monday Night Football 3.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.o in the background while attempting to run some of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not seem to work on this program.

Can you help me Please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.

Thanks, Joe


Reply from Tech Support:

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem male operators complain about, but is mostly due to primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities and Entertainment" program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your Wife 1.0 system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the Wife 1.0 program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.EXE In any case, avoid excessive use of the "ESC" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but has a very high maintenance cost.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. DO NOT!!! Under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is a not supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck, Bill, Tech Support


Glossary of males / female terms (99HB1003 DOC)

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood, or the male sex organ
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.


She Was So Blonde That.... (99HC1004 DOC)


Freud's Lost Letters To Fliess (00H11408 DOC)

Vienna, November 13, 1893

Dear Wilhelm,

I have decided that I was wrong in attributing the psychoneuroses to sexual experiences before the age of two. I now know that the sexual activity occurs in the first ten seconds of life, when a sound spanking incites the infants to draw a happy breath. I expect to find a great deal of resistance to this suggestion among those of my patients who have never been spanked (or at least not by the proper authority).

It is a great victory to discover that one has been in error. With this discovery I am become Hercules, cleansing the Augean stables of the contents of the unconscious. I am Darwin and Copernicus. I am

Yours, Sigm


Family Portrait (01h22704.doc)

They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance, ......and wished that he would hold her close, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that...more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her to him. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera.

(The portrait of a family dog and cat --- what were you thinking?


Naming Private Parts (01h50906.html)

This guy walks into a bar and immediately realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck, " he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay Bar Tender approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan "Just Do It." That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin". A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is job one." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes ups with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is "Secret" now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"



The Moral Dilemma of Robin Hood (01h11809.html)

How moral are you? What is your attitude to morals, sex and honesty? The fascinating personality test below was written by a Sydney marriage expert who is a qualified psychologist. It began as a dinner party conversation gimmick but has been prepared in this form for readers to test themselves. To do the "test" you must give your honest opinion about the morals and honesty of the four characters in our story of Sherwood Forest. Forget any preconceived ideas you may about them--this is a different sort of story from all the others.

"The Sheriff of Nottingham captured Little John and Robin Hood and imprisoned them in his maximum-security dungeon. Maid Marian begged the Sheriff for their release, pleading her love for Robin. The Sheriff agreed to release them only if Maid Marian spent the night with him. To this she agreed. The next morning the Sheriff released his prisoners. Robin at once demanded that Marian tell him how she persuaded the Sheriff to let them go free.

"Marian confessed the truth and was bewildered when Robin abused her, calling her a slut and saying that he never wanted to see her again. At this Little John defended her, inviting her to leave Sherwood with him and promising life-long devotion. She accepted and they rode away together."

Now, in terms of realistic everyday standards of behavior, rank Robin, Marian, Little John and the Sheriff in the order in which you consider they showed the most morality and honesty. There is no "right" answer, and the following is the psychologist's estimate of you for each of the 24 arrangements.

Don't scroll down until you've made your list; otherwise, it won't work! Here goes ...








Analyses:

ROBIN, MARIAN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN: You find it hard to accept the permissive attitudes of others, or to convince them of the validity of your own standards. You are not disposed to trust people and do not have a very happy life. (Men) To you, "love" involves sex and duty, rather than charity and forgiveness. (Women) You blame men for much of the unhappiness in your life.

ROBIN, MARIAN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF: Your philosophy of life is a sad hodgepodge of the conventions of society, your own convictions and romanticism. You are not unkind--only staid and unimaginative. (Men) You see a woman as weak but desirable. (Women) You resent the arrogance of men.

ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARIAN, LITTLE JOHN: (Men) We think you are unhappy, although you probably will not admit it. As a ruthless authoritarian, you are as moral as it suits you and no more. You do not apply the same rules to men as you do to women. (Women) How worthless you seem to think women are.

ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, MARIAN, SHERIFF: You are a moralist with conventional ideas, which some people would call old-fashioned. (Men) You probably consider yourself a fair-minded man in a world which falls badly below your standards. Your inhibitions and sense of guilt are in the way of your happiness. (Women) Unlucky in love? Perhaps you hope for too much in a man. Be a realist, not a romantic.

ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARIAN: You are conventional and puritanical. (Men) You moralize and see women as a great conspiracy against men, with sex as their principal weapon. You are missing a great deal in life. (Women) Your parents probably played a big part in the formation of such a guilt complex as yours. Your mind is in chains and it's time you did something to free it.

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF, MARIAN: You are not easy to assess. Basically, you are ruled by an inferiority complex and feelings of insecurity. How do you present yourself to the world? An idealist, a moralist, a conformist keeping up with Jones's? (Men) Your conflicting views on sex and morality may lead to every sort of sexual problem. You have always feared women, probably starting with your mother. (Women) It is a shame you have not accepted the ideal of woman as the equal (and sometimes stronger) partner of man.

LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARIAN, SHERIFF: You are a cautious type, neutral and rather insecure. You would agree with the idea that everybody has his price--and in your own case it would not be high. (Men) You are sexually inhibited with an underlying distrust of women. (Women) At least one man has made you unhappy, and you are now on your guard.

LITTLE JOHN, MARIAN, ROBIN, SHERIFF: You are fairly broadminded, romantic and reasonably contented. You value kindness greatly and try to live by your ideals. You do not conceal from yourself--or from others--your strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material. (Men) Perhaps you tend to idealize women and credit them with virtues they don't possess. (Women) Your experiences with men have not all been happy--perhaps because you hope for a little too much?

LITTLE JOHN, MARIAN, SHERIFF, ROBIN: You are a slightly romantic realist. You respect truth, and are broadminded and flexible. Whether you are a man or a woman, you are probably a happy person. You like people and they can readily make friends with you. You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you.

LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, MARIAN, ROBIN: You too, believe that morality is another word for commonsense and suitability, and not something that is universally valid or a religious truth. Your feeling for security is strong, and you would rate reliability as one of your virtues. (Men) Your estimate of women as the inferior sex suggests that you are a little uncertain of them. (Women) You are more permissive about the morals of others than you are about your own.

LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARIAN: You are conventional, unimaginative and something of a prude. It would be surprising if your love life was a roaring success. (Men) You have an old-world authoritarian attitude. One thing is sure--you have some sorry illusions about women. (Women) You accept a double standard of morality in which women are very much the "second sex."

MARIAN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN: Such an emphatic rejection of ready-made values is probably partly camouflage. You hate to be thought of as weak or insecure. You value honesty, and abominate humbug and hypocrisy. (Men) Women are very much part of your life, and you are--or perhaps would like to be--quite ruthless, both with women and life in general. (Women) You are tolerant about men and their failings--but we mean "men," for you have no time for boys on men's errands.

MARIAN, SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN: You associate morality with honesty and truth more than with religious values. You are impulsive and somewhat unpredictable. (Men) We suspect that you are a would-be lover rather than a very successful one. (Women) You are a realist and a rebel, a defender of women's rights. You like men but despise weak ones.

MARIAN, ROBIN, SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN: You know the so-called facts of life, but not how to enjoy life itself. You are not a realist and you are inclined to be stubborn. (Men) Women, you think, are either whores or angels, and you over-estimate the differences between the sexes. A woman may find you difficult to live with. (Women) You are not sure whether truth and morality go hand in hand or are in opposition. You haven't a very high opinion of men.

MARIAN, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF: If you are not happy--and we suspect you are not--it maybe because you feel guilty about your own emotions and lack confidence in your opinions. (Men) No doubt you consider yourself a moral man, and a fair one. Your fuzzy ideas about morality may make their mark on your sex life. (Women) You are too concerned about what others think.

MARIAN, LITTLE JOHN, SHERIFF, ROBIN: You are essentially a contented person, even if you consider yourself a little superior. You are moral by your own standards, for you believe that morality is what best suits the occasion. (Men) You are sexually uninhibited, more romantic than you may appear and more dependent on the approval of others than you care to admit. (Women) You like being a woman, you understand what love is, and you frankly enjoy sex.

MARIAN, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, SHERIFF: We would expect you to be a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others. You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances. (Men) Do we detect a sense of chivalry and idealism under the sophistication? (Women) You will expect high standards from the men to whom you give your love.

SHERIFF, MARIAN, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN: If you are not living a happy life, the cause is within yourself. You are a rebel with a trace of spoiled child about you. You value truth above morality, but you are reasonably tolerant of those who disagree with you. (Men) Any problems you have are not likely to be centered in sex. (Women) Despite your experience and intelligence, you are a bad judge of men.

SHERIFF, MARIAN, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN: You claim to be a realist or even a cynic, but you are more emotional and romantic and truthful. (Men) Although you are by no means inhibited, your amorous adventures are as much a matter of fantasy as fact. (Women) You have been hurt in the past by men--or perhaps a particular man--and will probably let it happen again.

SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, ROBIN, MARIAN: Not a moralizing pattern, but . . . (Men) You share with many other men the idea that most women are fickle and inferior to men. Perhaps a view that you got from your father? Or as a reaction to a domineering mother? (Women) You have a pretty poor opinion of yourself, haven't you?

SHERIFF, LITTLE JOHN, MARIAN, ROBIN: You have a confused, immature sense of values. You are erratic and stubborn, and inclined to get angry or sulk when you don't get your own way. But at least you are not a moral hypocrite. (Men) "Love 'em and leave 'em" is the motto of a man who is basically afraid of women. (Women) Perhaps you would rather be a man than a woman?

SHERIFF, ROBIN, LITTLE JOHN, MARIAN: Although you make a brave show of being self-sufficient, beneath this you are unhappy and rather mixed up. (Men) You don't understand women--probably you are afraid of them. You do not know what love is, and you are more likely to boast about your conquests in a bar than prove them in a bedroom. (Women) If men attract you at all, they are probably disastrously the wrong sort.

SHERIFF, ROBIN, MARIAN, LITTLE JOHN: (Men) We find it hard to imagine you leading a full, happy life. The warmth and give and take of love are not for you. Your sex life is ringed with unreality, and you neither understand nor appreciate women. (Women) If you really believe this is the right order, you baffle us completely.



The Old Fighter Pilot Piano Player (00H61401.doc)

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.

"I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer.

Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business.

"The piano is over there...give it a go."

The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.

"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play.

After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.

After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.

He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?

"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"


Tiny Piano Player (00H62102)

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. While the bartender is mixing his drink in front of him, the guy reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out a miniature grand piano and places it on the bar. Then the guy reaches into his other pocket and takes out a foot-tall man and puts him on the bar. The foot tall man sits down at the piano and begins to play. The bartender has been staring at this all the while. He finally says, "That's fantastic. Where did you get him?" The guy says, "From a hard-of-hearing genii." "Hard of hearing?" the bartender says. "How do you know the genii was hard-of-hearing." The guy says, "You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?



To Women Everywhere From A Man Who's Had Enough (00hb0907.html)

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. (Personal comment from the women who know me - unless your name is Jim)

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the hell is a doily?


Top ten Slogans being considered by Viagra (01h30901.html)

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!" 
9. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper 
8. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron 
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight. 
6. Viagra, Home of the whopper. 
5. Viagra, It plumps, when you take 'em. 
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman! 
3. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling! 
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to! 
And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra: 
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. 

Comprehending Engineers (versions 1 to 9) (01h11703.doc)

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $ 1 Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.

Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." ----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,

I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool.

Maledicta

Maledicta

offers a unique combination of humor, trivial, and in depth research into the words that we all know (although perhaps in a langauge that we don't) but nobody ever seems to really know much about. The journal (the size of a book) ran at least for 10 issues between 1977 and 1989; some issues are available through Amazon.com (click on the description to the right or on the title in the heading above). This is an opportunity to read about something completely different - and really interesting.


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