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httpjoke - Internet E-Mail Christmas Humor

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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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Martha Stewart's Christmas Holiday Calendar (97121503.DOC)

Genealogist's Night Before Christmas (MAIL0863.DOC)

  \./      "To all Genealogists "
  )*(              Christmas
 )*. (               1996
). *. (
'Twas the night before Christmas, and everyone slept,
Except the Genealogist, who out of bed crept,
To check the computer and regular mail box,
To heck with the ties, and chocolates and sox.
Everyone else is sleeping like a log.
Oh,oh, be careful, I fell over the dog.
Woops, just listen, what's that on the roof?
Santa has caught me, being a goof.
I'll hide under the desk, till he goes away;
If he caught me up, what would he say?
Hurry up Santa, what did you bring?
Drop it and run--let me see everything!
I want Aunt Sadie, and great Uncle Bert,
Also Grandma Blitzen-that wouldn't hurt.
Cousin Gertie's a mystery, where did she go?
And old Uncle Cyrus, who walked really slow.
Will I ever find them, in the next 20 years?
Or have they disappeared?-that's one of my fears.
Wow! Santa's  gone, it took him a while;
Why did he laugh, instead of just Smile?
Oh, he left me some papers! what do they say?
Great Uncle Bert fell into the Bay!
He was drinking vanilla and dancing like crazy,
When all of a sudden, things began to get hazey.
Well, that settles that, I'll quit looking for him,
Why in the world, couldn't he swim?
Aunt Sadie was a sinner, and she ran away,
With the Parson, no less-what can I say?
Grandma Blitzen was bitten by a big yellow snake,
She picked it up-and thought it was a rake.
Cousin Gertie ran a bar, away out in the West,
A stray bullet got her--no bullet proof vest.
Uncle Cyrus was a hermit, in a cave on the coast,
Threw his money in the ocean, or so he did boast.
So, thanks for the answers, Santa, my friend,
I'll quit looking for them, it's been a dead end.
I'll go back to bed and turn out the light,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night.

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged (981C2303 DOC)

          Do You Hear What I Hear?

          We Three Queens Disoriented Are

          I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

          Hark The Herald Angels Sing  (About Me)

          Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
          Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense

          Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

          You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
          then MAYBE I'll tell you why

          Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
          Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
          Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
          Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
          Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective (981C2304 DOC)

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's very thin now

Happy Holidays - Legally (99A10102 DOC)

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, choice of DTH/DBS satellite system, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. So there.)

E-Mail Winter Wonderland (99H10702 DOC)

from the Humor List (humor@lgk.com)

Sung to the tune of Walking In A Winter Wonderland

Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Merry Christmas Song (01hc2603.doc)

 On the Twelfth day of Christmas,
 My true love gave to me,
 Twelve census searches,
 Eleven Printer ribbons,
 Ten e-mail contacts,
 Nine headstone rubbings,
 Eight birth and death dates,
 Seven town clerks sighing,
 Six second cousins,
 Five coats of arms,
 Four GEDCOM files,
 Three old wills,
 And a branch in my family tree.

How the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree? (01hc1102.doc)

One year Santa was having a really bad Christmas. The elves weren't finished the toys, the reindeer weren't ready to fly... when in walks the angel, dragging a Christmas Tree.

The angel asked Santa Claus,"Where do you want me to put this?"......

......And it's been there ever since!

Meeting Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates (03hc2602.doc)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates said Saint Peter..

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint Peter said you may pass through these pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".

The 12 bugs of Christmas (sung to tune of 12 days of Christmas)

"For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Aaaask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it
See if they can do it again."

You can help balance the targets of the humor!