![[SafeSurf Rated]](http://www.httpjoke.com/ssurf-limit.gif){kind=small}
A long, long time ago, I can still remember how Computers used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance, That I could make electrons dance, And maybe I'd be happy for a while. But January made me shiver. It chilled me deep down in my liver. Bad news I'd collected, I couldn't get connected. I can't remember back that day When I first knew the Y2K But something touched me anyway, The day computers died. So, Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire Can you write in C plus plus? And do you have faith in your local bus If the driver tells you so? Do you believe in Compaq's goals? Can software save your mortal soul? And can you teach me how to type real slow? Well I thought that you were prepared 'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired Your stationery's swell But you can go to hell I was a lonely teenage Unix hack With an incantation and a modem jack But I knew the cat had left the sack The day computers died I started singin' . . . Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat And we haven't solved the problem yet But that's not how it used to be. When the Luddites read for the king and queen With a light they filled with kerosene And some manuals they stole from you and me And while Bill Gates was looking pleased Time stole his monopolies The courtroom was adjourned No verdict was returned While Apple tried a color scheme The engineers returned to steam And we had purges of their dreams The day computers died We were singin' . . . Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire Intel inside in an iron smelter The food leftover from my fallout shelter Twinkies old and aging fast I'd rather eat the grass Q and A tried for a system crash With the tester on the sidelines in a cast Now the timeshare net was running Doom While mainframes played a marching tune We all tried to log in Oh, but we never could begin 'Cause Cobol tried to take the field, And Holerith refused to yield. Do you recall what was revealed? The day computers died? We started singing . . . Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire There we were all in a state A generation- really late With no time left to start again So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick Don't let my spreadsheet data stick 'Cause data is the devil's only friend. As I watched him on my screen My hands and face were drenched in steam No angel born in hell Could run that stupid shell And as the ball climbed high into the night To call the sacrificial night I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight The day computers died. I met a girl with a cell phone And I asked her for a dial tone But she just smiled and turned away I went down to the software store Where I'd seen computers years before But the man there said the games there wouldn't play And in the streets the children screamed The lovers cried and the poets dreamed Their interface was spoken The Internet was broken And the three things I connect to most The Website, LAN and the Network host Every single one was toast The day computers died They were singin' . . . Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire This will be the day I retire Scott McNulty - July 1999
Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation. The chips were replaced In computers with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there. While some folks could think They were snug in their beds Others had visions Of dread in their heads. And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack. When over the server, There arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter. But he was away, So I flew like a flash Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash. When what with my wandering eyes Should I see? My good old Mac Looked sick to me. The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug, I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug! His image downloaded In no time at all, He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall! Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq, And Pentium too! All processors big, All processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all! All the controls That planes need for their flights All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights. As I drew in my breath And was turning around, Out through the modem, He came with a bound. He was covered with fur, And slung on his back Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack. His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry! As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary. He had a broad little face And a round little belly, And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly. He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink, All things electronic Soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line, He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign? Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty shout, Happy Y2K to you all, This is a helluva night!
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
To Whom It May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower.
I want to be six again. I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.
I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips. I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality.
I want to be six again. I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, because I don't know the concept of death. I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first taught them.
I want to be six again. I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me. I want to be nanve enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else. I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for. I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my girlfriend, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again.
As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Signed, Your eternally loving husband. PS. Sure is hot down here.
12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays
And remember....... When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. Now get back to work!
Mickey Mouse goes to the judge and says that he wants a divorce from Minnie.
The judge tells Mickey that he is sorry, but just because Minnie is crazy doesn't mean that he has grounds for divorce.
Mickey tells the Judge, "I didn't say that she was 'crazy', I said she was fuckin' Goofy."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "but you started it."
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and (I SWEAR) he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Merge-matic books from the Washington Post Invitational: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb. -------------------- "Machiavelli's The Little Prince"- Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters,all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.) "Green Eggs and Hamlet"- Would you kill him in his bed?/Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King./ I could not do that evil thing./ Would not wed this girl, you see./Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington) "Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Jane Eyre Jordan"- Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie) "Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr.Right to enter her life. She has a looong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Catch-22 in the Rye"- Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) "As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio"- William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.) "2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm,Washington) "Curious Georgefather"- The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "The Hunchback Also Rises"- Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news. (John Verba, Washington) "The Maltese Faulkner"- Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton) "The Silence of the Hams"- In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) "Portnoy's Choice"- A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"- Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "Tarzan of the Grapes"- The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)
As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea." The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir"
They forgot GAS tax.... Otherwise, this is what we are all working so hard for... Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 County Tax City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax 6.11 12.22 4.44 1.11 Front Tax Side Tax Up Tax Down Tax 1.16 1.61 2.22 1.11 Tic-Tacs Thumbtacks Carpet Tacks Stadium Tax 1.98 3.93 0.98 0.69 Flat Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee 8.32 3.46 2.60 5.00 No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 Health Ins. Disability Ability Liability Ins. 16.23 2.50 0.25 3.41 Dental Ins. Mental Ins. Reassurance. Coffee 4.50 4.33 0.11 6.85 Coffee Cups Calendar Floor Rental Chair Rental 66.51 3.06 16.85 4.32 Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69 Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 Central Time Mountain Time Pacific Time GMT 8.00 7.00 6.00 24.00 Bathroom Time Time Out Oxygen Water 4.44 12.21 10.02 16.54 Electricity Heat Air Conditioning 38.23 51.42 46.83 Misc 144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)
The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words from the dictionary.
Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to share Bill Clinton.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he or she examines you.
Macadam -- n, the 1st man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.
And then there was the dyslectic atheist who pondered the existence of Dog.
Was the person who wrote this one himself dys*lexic*? And atheists don't ponder that question; to them it's already answered. (Shouldn't this be in the Religion section anyway?) Here's a better version:
Q. What does a dyslexic insomniac agnostic do?
A. Lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN, and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true -- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 20 people you will have good luck but 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& You must now forward this to 24,918 people you know or you will run out of gas on your way home tonight.
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP... BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...faster... BUMP...BUMP... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid
the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...... and of course...
the coffin stops!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. And even if you're sure you know what you're doing, just don't fool with it!
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
MORE Washington Post's 'Style Invitational' New Words
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an asshole.
Then: Killer Weed Now: Weed Killer Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine Then: Hoping for a BMW Now: Hoping for a BM Then: The Grateful Dead Now: Dr. Kevorkian Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint Now: Getting a new hip joint Then: Moving to California because it's cool Now: Moving to California because it's warm Then: Being called into the principal's office Now: Storming into the principal's office Then: Peace Sign Now: Mercedes Logo Then: OJ, cutting & slashing Now: OJ, cutting & slashing Then: Getting your head stoned Now: Getting your headstone Then: "The Making of the President" Now: The making of the President Then: "Going blind" Now: REALLY going blind Then: Long hair Now: Longing for hair Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral Then: President Johnson Now: The President's johnson Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President Now: Fighting to keep the lying President Then: The perfect high Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund Then: Elvis in the army Now: Elvis in a UFO Then: Keg Now: EKG Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid Then: You're growing pot Now: Your growing pot Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test Then: Seeds and stems Now: Roughage Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints Then: Whatever?. Now: Depends Then: "Off the pigs" Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol" Then: Ommmmmm Now: Ummmmm Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15 room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking her would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot that had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway. "
Then she explained to her second son, " Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car. "
Next, she went to son number three and said, " Son I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift.
The chicken was small, but delicious."
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time.Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
12> It was chosen as the official AOL "Really, Really, Really,
Really, Really Cool Site of the Day."
11> Only banner ad is a singles ad for your sister.
10> It proudly carries the Pat Robertson Seal of Approval.
9> The home page has so many "Bottom 5%" awards, you can barely
see the "Under Construction" graphics.
8> "Best viewed when using Bifocals 1.25 or higher."
7> You were operating under the mistaken impression that God just
doesn't like homosexuals and has chosen you to tell everyone.
6> Your blinking text and animated graphics have caused an
epidemic of epileptic seizures.
5> Al Gore personally emails you and tells you to get off his
Internet.
4> "Featuring Roger Ebert's home sex tapes!"
3> The only guest book entry is from your mom: "Yes, Dear,
it's very nice. Now come down to dinner."
2> Previous visitors e-mail you ASCII pictures of vomit.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Website Sucks...
1> Your Pamela Anderson site has no pictures -- just her poetry.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ 1999 - Chris White ]
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said,"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
The former kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to first grade and the biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no babytalk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana"
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER, use big people words."
She then asked Joey what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words."
She then asked Eddie what he had done.
"I read a book" he replied.
"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said....
"Winnie the Shit."
This is different than last year's list. 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad's New Wife Robert 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can Fly. 12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19. You Were an Accident 20. Things Rich Kids Have But You Never Will 21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 23. Your Nightmares Are Real 24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
There has been some discussion on the list about matters pedantical. I think all dissention would be ended if we adopted the following simple rules, which I submit especially for the approval of the Rex Ferarum Finium, or King of the Wild Frontier: )
1. Verbs has to agree with their subject.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague.
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. No sentence fragments.
10. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
11. One should never generalise.
12. Don't use no double negatives.
13. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
14. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
15. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
16. Kill all exclamation marks!
17. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
18. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit when its not
needed.
19. Puns are for children, not for groan readers.
20. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you why
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock . .
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then
took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an open fire.
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.
By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?
In case further data is required to establish man's superiority :
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
16. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
17. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.
19. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking : "He must be mad at me."
21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
22. Wedding dress : $2000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
23. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
24. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
25. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with 'So, notice
anything different ?'
27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
28. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
29. You almost never have strap problems in public.
30. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. You don't have to shave below your neck.
33. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one colour, all season.
36. You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife.
37. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
38. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
***AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple:
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this...
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
15 minutes looking for assignment
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and
just does not like children
8 minutes in the bathroom
10 minutes getting a snack
7 minutes checking the TV Guide
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never
explained the assignment
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad
to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS
These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term." It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30PM and ends at 11:50PM - or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to Walmart/KMart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
******************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
********************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
********************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
***************************************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
**************************************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
************************************************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a Toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
********************************************************
Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine
************************************************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
if ( time == less ) { sleep };
else if ( girl != often ) { space };
else ( 4ever contained );
var const me;
const irrational=time;
int escape;
char life;
(me != people) { paranoid && escape >everything
if (everything = today) {
cout > "again?"
cout << endl;
}
End
(Roberto Llamas)
You asked me once,
with anxious heart
how much I really need you;
I'll answer you in pharmaco-speak:
How often can I take you?
I can have you BID
If nobody forbids it.
But in most days is QID
That I could really kiss you.
I'd like you in small tabs
In medium or large capsules
In syrup form, in cream or dabs
Of gel, or in soft spansules.
If I can't touch your skin PO,
I feel lonesome and flat.
Please, let me have you PRN
Or even better, STAT.
*BID=Twice a day
QID=Four times a day
tabs=tablets
PO=By mouth
PRN=As needed
STAT=Immediately
check off every one you can relate to: 0-3 checks: nothing to complain about 4-8 checks: not bad 9-14 checks: don't quit your day job... 15-19 checks: vacation time!!!!! =====================================================
(the truth or an urban legend??)
Al Gore gave a big speech this week about how his faith is so "important" to him. In this attempt to convince the American people that we should consider him for president, he announced that his favorite Bible verse is-John 16:3.
Of course the speech writer meant John 3:16, but nobody in the Gore camp was familiar enough with scripture to catch the error. Do you know what John 16:3 says?
"And they will do this because they have not known the Father or Me."
The Holy Spirit works in strange ways!!!
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man whom "never knew how much he was kneaded". Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a
word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of crap.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I
had about you.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
18. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma
to burn off.
20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
21. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
24. I started out with nothing & still have most of it
left.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted paychecks.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15
tons." * "Popular Mechanics," forecasting the
relentless march of science, 1949.
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five
computers." * Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this
country and talked with the best people, and I can
assure you that data processing is a fad that won't
last out the year." * The editor in charge of
business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
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"But what...is it good for?" * Engineer at the
Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM
commenting on the microchip, 1968.
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in
their home." * Ken Olson, president, chairman and
founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be
seriously considered as a means of communication.
The device is inherently of no value to us." *
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial
value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody
in particular?" * David Sarnoff's associates in
response to his urgings for investment in the radio
in the 1920s.
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"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in
order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be
feasible." * A Yale University management professor
in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on
to found Federal Express Corp.)
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Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" * Harry M.
Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
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"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on
his face and not Gary Cooper." * Gary Cooper on
his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone
with the Wind."
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"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market
research reports say America likes crispy cookies,
not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
* Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting her
company, Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
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"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the
way out." * Decca Recording Co. rejecting the
Beatles, 1962.
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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
* Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
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"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the
experiment. The literature was full of examples
that said you can't do this." * Spencer Silver on
the work that led to the unique adhesives of 3-M
"Post-It" Notepads.
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"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this
amazing thing, even built with some of your parts,
and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll
give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they
said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you; you haven't
got through college yet.'" * Apple Computer Inc.
founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and
H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.
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"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between
action and reaction and the need to have something
better than a vacuum against which to react. He
seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools." * New York Times editorial about
Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work, 1921.
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"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle
development across all of your muscles? It can't
be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an
unalterable condition of weight training."
* Response to Arthur Jones, who solved
the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
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"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try
and find oil? You're crazy." * Drillers who Edwin
L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for
oil in 1859.
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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently
high plateau." * Irving Fisher, Professor of
Economics, Yale University, 1929.
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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military
value." * Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of
Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
* Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of
Patents, 1899.
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"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous
fiction". * Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology
at Toulouse, 1872.
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"The abdomen, the chest and the brain will forever be
shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane
surgeon." * Sir John Eric Ericksen, British
surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen
Victoria, 1873.
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"640k ought to be enough for anybody." * Bill Gates, 1981
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he might be worth it. So, he buys Randy, takes him home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a peptalk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy stone cold in the middle of the yard, looking dead as a doorknob. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Quiet, they're getting closer .."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The Bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
Before children: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
After children: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.
Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
After children: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.
Before children: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
After children: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.
Before children: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
After children: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watchers who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.
Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
After children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
Before children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
After children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.
Before children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car, and trendy clothes.
After children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.
Before children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.
After children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.
P.S. Now if only the baby would actually miss my good shoes. And she knows she's hit the target - she's always SO pleased with herself after she douses me.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequen incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Thaw the chicken."
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.
Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."
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