Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Mary, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening which reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their jobs, families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,tells her she's wrong, then peers over at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later betrayed and handed over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
As St.Peter smiles broadly with delight, the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. "And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark."
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping..........
And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls." "Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast) Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) "[Jesus]' countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School. Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings. Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron". Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV. Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery..."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replys, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replys, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times. We're having a special this week---three for $5.00."
The Pope had never driven and on a trip to New York City he asked the limo driver to let him have a chance. Speeding through intersections without a license, he was stopped by the police. One officer talked to him for a long time and then went back to his partner. He told his partner that he could not give a ticket because the person was too important. When asked who could possibly be that important, the policeman said that he didn't actually know the passenger but he was so important that the Pope was his chauffeur! - Dec 23 97
St. Peter steps up to greet a butcher, a baker, and a lawyer at the Pearly Gates. "I'm afraid, gentlemen," the saint begins, "that there is an unexpected overpopulation of heaven, and that only the most intelligent people gain admission. I must therefore ask of you questions, the difficulty of which will be based upon your good deeds."
He approaches the butcher. "You were a very kind man, you prayed, read your Bible, attended church regularly, and helped out all the people you could. Therefore, yours will be an easy question. What is the name of the giant ocean liner that sank in the early 1900's?"
The butcher thought about this for a while, then responded, "That's easy. I saw the movie. It's the Titanic."
"Very good!" St. Peter proclaims. "Enter into the joy of your Master." He then turns to the baker. "You lived a decent life, but you were given to too much wine and careless, carnal behavior. Your question will be much harder: How many people died on the Titanic?"
The baker, stumped for a while, answer, "Oh, that's easy. I saw the movie. It was like 1,200 or something."
"Close enough," St. Peter responds. "Enter into the joy of your Master."
He turns to face the lawyer, and a smile forms. "Name them."
Forrest Gump dies and appears at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter meets him, and informs him that heaven is still having an overcrowding problem. "You'll have to take a small test," Peter tells Forrest. "If you would like, I'll let you go off an think about them for a while.
"The first question is: How many days in the week begin with 'T,' and what are they? The second question is: How many seconds are there in a year? And the third question is: What is God's name?
"I don't need no extra time," Forrest drawls. "I can answer all those right now."
"That's impressive, Forrest," says St. Peter, confused. "Okay then. How many days in the week begin with 'T,' and what are they?"
"Two. Today and Tomorrow," answers Forrest.
"Well," St. Peter says, rubbing his bearded chin, "I suppose I'll have to give you credit for that. I wasn't very clear. Now the second: How many seconds are there in a year?"
"Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd--"
"Okay, okay," St. Peter interrupts him, "again, my fault. Should have been more clear. Now the last one: What is God's name?"
"Howard?!" St. Peter is perplexed. "Where did you come up with 'Howard'?"
"In the Lord's prayer," Forrest answers. "It says, 'Our Father, which art in heaven, 'Howard' be Thy name...'"
Submitted by Chris Jung to Journal of Irreproducible Resultsjir@INTERACCESS.COM
A collection of bulletin misprints from various churches.
And then there was the dyslexic atheist who pondered the existence of Dog. - Herman Krieger
Four Catholic mothers are chatting over coffee.
The first Catholic lady tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Father'."
The second Catholic lady chirps, "My son is a bishop, whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well. . .?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God. . . '."
Our lager, Who art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk) At home as I am in the tavern, Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
"God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like,
and the eyesight to tell the difference."
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."