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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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Don't you know there ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk. [Tom Waits]

What the mind doesn't understand, it worships or fears. [Alice Walker, The Temple of My Familiar]

I refuse to be labeled immoral merely because I am godless. [Peter Walker on alt.atheism]

The cross everywhere is a dagger in the heart of liberty. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A miracle is not an explanation of what we cannot comprehend. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A dogma will thrive in soil where the truth could not get root. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The feet of progress have always been shod by doubt. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The man who accepts the faith of Calvin is miserable in proportion to the extent he carries it out. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Whatever tends to prolong the existence of ignorance or to prevent the recognition of knowledge is dangerous to the well-being of the human race. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

History shows that there is nothing so easy to enslave and nothing so hard to emancipate as ignorance, hence it becomes the double enemy of civilization. By its servility it is the prey of tyranny, and by its credulity it is the foe of enlightenment. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

We are then to conclude that Christianity is held only by the ignorant. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

There is greater argument in one fact than in all the creeds. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

It is easier to believe that a man is honest who says the Bible is the word of God than to believe that he is bright. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

But it is neither as God nor as a man that Jesus must be regarded, but as a myth. No such person ever lived either as a human or divine existence. He is simply a creature of fancy, the fruit of the imagination. He is a character of the brain, the creation of religious genius. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

There is no justifiable Christianity in this age. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A dogma is the hand of the dead on the throat of the living. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

If man had no knowledge except what he has got out of the Bible he would not know enough to make a shoe. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The minister must take his pious grasp off of the throat of Sunday. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Civilization has come about by going to school more than to church. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Christianity is a black spot on the page of civilization. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The church is a bank that is continually receiving deposits but never pays a dividend. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

When a minister says that God will help you, ask him to put up the collateral. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The church spends thousands of dollars to save a dogma, where it spends a cent to find a truth. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Christianity is like a slow clock -- always being moved ahead. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

No church has all the truth, and no school either. So-called religion merely shows where the search after truth ended. But truth is the infinite reality,, and it will always be for man to find. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The day of the Bible is passed. Books have taken its place. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Better be late to church Sunday morning than late at home Saturday night. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

No creed can be stretched to the size of truth; no church can be made as large as man. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

If God exists, what objection can he have to saying so? [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

We must condemn christianity, not christians; strike the church, but spare the heart. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Piety could do nothing better than imitate morality. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

God never helps those who need the help of men and women. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

No man ever knew Providence to interpose when his neighbor's hens are scratching up his garden. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Priests will pardon thieves but not philosophers. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Priest and God have formed some of the worst combinations in history. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Too long has this world been at the feet of the priest. Man is never in that position for his own benefit, but for the benefit of the priest. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Most men would kill the truth if truth would kill their religion. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Where the cross has been planted only superstitions have grown. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Religion is no more the parent of morality than an incubator is the mother of a chicken. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Prayer is begging from a pauper. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The egg of prayer never yet became a chicken. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Prayer is like a pump in an empty well, it makes lots of noise, but brings no water. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A great many people who worship Jesus would not let him come at the back door. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Prayer is a hook that never caught any fish. It is a gun that never brought down any game. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

No man ever got an answer to prayer that he could show to another person. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

People who rely most on God rely least on themselves. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The original sin was not in eating of the forbidden fruit, but in planting the tree that bore the fruit. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The people who boast the loudest of carrying their cross are never around when man cries for help. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The beating of humanity's heart cannot be felt by placing the finger on the church's pulse. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

What a queer thing is Christian salvation! Believing in firemen will not save a burning house; believing in doctors will not make one well, but believing in a savior saves men. Fudge! [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

To build one house for man is better than to build a dozen houses to God. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Hell is where cowards have sent heroes. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The cross people carry to-day is made of gold or set with diamonds. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The character of God would stand vastly higher in human estimation if he had visited the garden in which he had placed the first human pair and picked up the serpent and cast him over the garden wall before he had a chance to tempt Eve, instead of waiting until the mischief was done, and then cursing the whole lot for what he might so easily have prevented. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

It is plain enough that men and women care for God. This is too apparent to be disputed, unless men and women are hypocrites. What is not so plain is that God cares for men and women. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A man cannot be happy who believes in hell, any more than he can sweeten his coffee with a pickle. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The church wants us to believe that God will go out of his way to strike a blasphemer and work a week to save the soul of a murderer. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A theologian is a person who uses the word God to hide his ignorance. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

No man ever yet tore down his altar and found a God behind it. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Trying to find God is a good deal like looking for money one has lost in a dream. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

We could believe in God if he shortened the road for the lame, led the blind or fed the starving. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

It has been discovered that the man who was lost in thought was not a church member. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

We do not say that another world is not worth a single thought, but rather that this world is worth all our thoughts, and needs them. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The money man gives to get him into heaven is what he ought to use to improve the earth. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The Unitarian walks with a cane, the Congregationalist, Methodist, Presbyterian and Baptist go with crutches, the Episcopalian has to be pushed about in an invalid's chair, while the Roman Catholic crawls on his hands and knees and is led around with a ring in his nose by a priest. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The man who wants to be an angel is never in a hurry to begin. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The man who gets on his knees has not learned the right use of his legs. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The dogma of the divinity of Jesus should have died on the cross, when the man of Nazareth gave up the ghost. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Adam may not have been so perfect after the 'fall, but he was not so big a fool. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

An organization that requires the suppression of facts and the discouragement of knowledge in order to maintain its supremacy, is the relic of a tyranny which our free age and our free thought are in duty bound to remove from the earth. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The trouble with divine revelation is that we do not know who did the business. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A person has not much excuse for living who can make no better use of life than passing it in a nunnery. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The doctrine of salvation by faith is a libel on justice and has done more to undermine the virtue of the world than vice itself. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The doubter is the safe man; the man who can be depended upon. He does not build upon a foundation of guesswork, and the structure he erects will stand. Let us not fear doubt, but rather fear to have falsehood passed for truth. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

It takes the shingles from the widow's cottage to put paint on the house of God. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

A church that sets up a religious faith as more essential than purity, than kindness, charity or goodness, is a dangerous institution. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Don't put too much faith in the man who wants to know the distance to the nearest church before he has written his name in the hotel register. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

It is a waste of words to talk about God and what he knows and what he does. No man knows that God does anything, that God knows anything, or that there is a God. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Blessings on the man who first dared to doubt. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Every kiss of love imprinted by a mother's lips on the face of her babe gives the lie to the Christian doctrine of total depravity, and every gift which the heart of pity lays in the hand of misfortune brands this doctrine as false and a libel on our human nature. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The thirty-nine articles of orthodoxy are only the ashes of the mind. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

There is as much perfumery in petroleum as there is righteousness in orthodoxy. Its dead theology and make-believe piety have no value only to the priest. Orthodoxy survives only by right of possession. Turn it out of the churches and it would never re-enter them. The church to-day is a hospital for sick dogmas. Every Christian doctrine is a cripple; not one can walk or stand alone. Orthodoxy has put a false valuation on things. It calls a man good who goes to church, offers a prayer in public and accepts the Bible as the word of God; it calls a man bad who stays at home and enjoys himself with his family on Sunday, who eats without asking God to bless his food, and who does not expect to go to heaven on the vicarious railroad. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

When religion comes in at the door common sense goes out at the window. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The churches erected in the name of God will ere long be tombstones to his, memory. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Churches do not stand for moral influence. Not a Christian minister preaches salvation by good behavior. What a poor business Roman Catholicism would do among men if it advertised to save only those who were temperate, upright, intelligent and moral. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

If a person can join the salvation army corps and still be respected by his fellow-beings, he ought to be at liberty to enlist in the ranks of reason and common sense and not forfeit respect. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

God has done nothing for men and women except to scare them out of their wits. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Our duty to the god of christianity is to bury him. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

If the factory pays taxes and the church does not, it follows that the church will some day own the factory. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

When christian ministers stand up in their pulpits and say Let us pray, if they would sometimes vary the invitation and say: Let us laugh, they would do their congregations more good. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

The convent is opposed to all that is sacred in human nature. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

God cannot be put into the national Constitution without putting liberty out of it. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

We do not want holy books, but true ones; not sacred writings, but sensible writings. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_]

Do not thank God for what man does. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

The Bible upon which Christianity is founded does not say what Christianity is, what a Christian is, nor what we must do in order to be a Christian. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

If you can forgive the man who wronged you, the neighbor who slandered you and help the poor about you, you need not be particular about making any professions of righteousness. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

The true man walks the earth as the stars walk the heavens, grandly obedient to those laws which are implanted in his nature. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

You cannot stuff your minds with the lives of saints and grow good on the stuffing. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Some persons are remembered solely for their virtues and others solely for their faults. This is why we have a Jesus and a Judas. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

When men are hungry roast mutton is better than the lamb that taketh away wrath. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

We should scorn the person who would be mean enough to allow his fellow-being to be punished for his deeds. Yet we have a religion in our midst that is founded on this kind of meanness. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Where are the sons of gods that loved the daughters of men?
 Where are the nymphs, the goddesses of the winds and waters?
 Where are the gnomes that lived inside the earth?
 Where are the goblins that used to play tricks on mortals?
 Where are the fairies that could blight or bless the human heart?
 Where are the ghosts that haunted this globe?
 Where are the witches that flew in and out of the homes of men?
 Where is the devil that once roamed over the earth?
 Where are they?  Gone with the ignorance that believed in them.
 [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible
  Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

No man was ever yet canonized for minding his own business. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

What has God revealed to man that has ever helped him get a living? [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

If we do not need to worship God six days in the week why do we need to worship him on the seventh? [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

If there were no ministers and no priests, how long would there be any churches? [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

The truths which God revealed have been overthrown by the truths which man has discovered. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

People used to think that to mix religion with business spoiled the religion, now they think it spoils the business. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Unless some people change their habits before they die, there will be a lot of dirty angels in the next world, if there is any next world. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

There may be lots of Providence in the world, but no man seems to know just where it can be found. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

It is necessary to distinguish between the virtue and the vice of obedience. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

The power that conquers men to-day must be the power of enlightened opinion. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Lots of men who would not associate with infidels for fear of contaminating their characters are not yet out of jail. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

God's name is not considered good at the banks. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

To depend upon God is like holding on to the tail-end of nothing. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

When the church teaches that confession is good for the soul, it teaches false doctrine; it is only good for the church. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

We are told that all things are possible with God, and yet God cannot boil an egg in cold water. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Laying up treasures in heaven never kept a man out of the poor-house. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

The reason that revelation is always made to the simple is that the wise could not be imposed upon. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

There is no sadder grief than that which lies at the bottom of a life that has been wrecked through deception. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

There is no authority that can be quoted against a man but the authority of some other man. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Nine times out of ten the man who declares that God is tender to the sparrow that falls is not the man to buy a winter's coal for a poor widow. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

The more mystery is encouraged, the more deceit can impose upon the human mind. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

If wisdom and diamonds grew on the same tree we could soon tell how much men loved wisdom. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Many persons who claim that they are clothed with righteousness do not seem to have got very good fits. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

It rains on the just and the unjust, but rarely just enough on either. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

A great many men believe in providence until they get caught in a railroad accident. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Treasures well used on earth will help the world more than treasures laid up in heaven. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

The foolish and cruel notion that a wife is to obey her husband has sent more women to the grave than to the courts for a divorce. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

A handsome bonnet covers a multitude of sins. [Lemuel K. Washburn, _Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays_, 1911]

Let Bhagwans be Bhagwans. [Washington Post]

The blood in any person is in reality the person himself. ... poisons due to personal living, eating and drinking habits ... The poisons that produce the impulse to commit suicide, murder, or steal are in the blood. Moral insanity, sexual perversions, repression, inferiority complexes, petty crimes - these often follow in the wake of blood transfusion. [Watchtower 9/15/61 page 564]

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty [John Waters]

By the cold and religious we were taken in hand - shown how to feel good; and told to feel bad. [Roger Waters, from The Final Cut (Pink Floyd)]

Today, the theory of evolution is an accepted fact for everyone but a fundamentalist minority, whose objections are based not on reasoning but on doctrinaire adherence to religious principles. [James Watson, winner of the Nobel prize for his co-discovery of the structure of DNA]

Christian piety makes a strange image of the object of its devotion, Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. -Him-. The bearded moralist with the stern, kind, and vaguely hurt look in his eyes. The man with the lantern, knocking at the heart's door. Come along, now, boys! Enough of this horsing around! It's time you and I had a very serious talk. Christ Jesus our Lord. Jeez-us. Jeez-you. The Zen Buddhists say, Wash out your mouth every time you say 'Buddha!' The new life for Christianity begins just as soon as someone can get up in church and say, Wash out your mouth every time you say 'Jesus!' [Alan Watts]

We don't have to protect the environment, the Second Coming is at hand. [James Watt]

My responsibility is to follow the Scriptures which call upon us to occupy the land until Jesus returns. [James Watt, in The Washington Post, 24 May 1981]

The violence of some anti-abortionists was an ongoing problem. On October 10, 1985, security was tightened at the Supreme Court after Justice Blackmun received a death threat; the day before, an anti-abortion protester had disrupted court proceedings. Anyone who has ever attended a Supreme Court hearing knows one doesn't even whisper, _much less_ interrupt the Court. On December 4, the FBI released figures on terrorism, but these did not include data on abortion clinic bombings, as they were supposedly not attributable to organized groups. Abortion clinics were increasingly the targets of acts of vandalism, death threats to employees, telephoned bomb threats, and other forms of harassment. On Christmas Day, three clinics were bombed in Pensacola, Florida, and on New Year's Day, 1986, a Washington, D.C., clinic was bombed. The Christmas bomber, who was later arrested, said his actions had been a Christmas present for Jesus. [Sarah Weddington, attorney in Roe v. Wade, _A Question of Choice_, 1992, pp.206, 208]

The United States is not a Christian nation. It is a great nation with Christians, among others, in it. But our greatness is based on the fact that there is no official religion. [Sen. Lowell Weicker]

When you know the LORD you have no need for masturbation. [Brice Wellington, net.fundie.idiot]

There's lots will take things as they are - fat and stupid; and lots will be worried by a sort of feeling that it's all wrong, and that they ought to be doing something. Now whenever things are that a lot of people feel they ought to be doing something, the weak, and those who go weak with a lot of complicated thinking, always make for a sort of do-nothing religion, very pious and superior, and submit to persecution and the will of the Lord. Very likely you've seen the same thing. It's energy in a gale of funk, and turned clean inside out. These cages will be full of psalms and hymns and piety. And those of a less simple sort will work in a bit of - what is it? - eroticism. [H. G. Wells, from The War of the Worlds]

I think that it stands for everything most hostile to the mental emancipation and stimulation of mankind. It is the completest, most highly organized system of prejudices and antagonism in existence. Everywhere in the world there are ignorance and prejudice, but the greatest complex of these, with the most extensive prestige and the most intimate entanglement with traditional institutions, is the Roman Catholic Church. It presents many faces to the world, but everywhere it is systematic in its fight against freedom. [H.G. Wells]

Moral indignation - jealousy with a halo. [H.G. Wells]

As with the Christian religion, the worst argument for socialism is its adherents. [H.G. Wells]

I do not believe I have any immortality. The greatest evil in the world today is the Christian religion. [H.G. Wells]

If BSA intends to issue invitations to children in public schools, they ought to 'Be Prepared' to abide by the admissions standards of public schools and stop discriminating on the basis of religious belief. [Elliot Welsh, on BSA's denial of his nonreligious son]

For almost three centuries, from the late 1400s on, the best minds of church and state were hard at work ferreting out evidence against men and women accused of making pacts with the Devil, holding diabolic councils and diabolic orgies, using charms and spells and wax figures to kill kings, shipwreck fleets, blast crops and subvert the whole order of Christendom. There are no definitive figures because so many records have been lost, but certainly tens of thousands of people confessed, usually after prolonged torture, to acts of witchcraft and were hanged or drowned or burned alive. During the Spanish Inquisition alone, 100 persons might be burned as witches in a day. By the end of the 17th century, belief in the existence of witchcraft was fading among educated people, and with it went a fading in belief in the existence of witches. [Robert Wernick, Don't look now -- but all those plotters might be hiding under your bed, Smithsonian 24(12):108, March 1994]

Giving up witchcraft is, in effect, giving up the Bible. [John Wesley (1703-1791) English theologian, evangelist, Journal (1768)]

Increasing knowledge lessens the sphere of the supernatural... [Edward A. Westermarck, _The Origin and Development of the Moral Ideas_]

The main doctrine of a fanatic's creed is that his enemies are the enemies of God. [Andrew White]

Christianity exceeds all other faiths in its power to deform and finally invert the mental process. [Ida White]

[W]e shall continue to have a worsening ecologic crisis until we reject the Christian axiom that nature has no reason for existence save to serve man. [Lynn White, Jr., The Historical Roots of Our Ecologic Crisis, Science V. 155 No. 3767 (10 March 1967), pp. 1203-1207.]

The total absence of humour in the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature [Alfred North Whitehead]

Religion is the last refuge of human savagery. [Alfred North Whitehead]

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they'd never been born the first time? [Katherine Whitehorn]

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. [Oscar Wilde]

When I think of all the harm the Bible has done, I despair of ever writing anything to equal it. [Oscar Wilde]

When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. [Oscar Wilde]

Truth in matters of religion, is simply opinion that has survived. [Oscar Wilde]

Missionaries are going to reform the world whether it wants to or not. [Oscar Wilde]

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. [Oscar Wilde]

Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief. [Oscar Wilde]

Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions. [The Oscariana of Oscar Fingall O'Flaherty Will Wilde [1856-1900] for George Bernard Shaw]

Recruits! Before the altar and the servant of God you have given me your oath of allegiance... You have sworn fidelity to me, you are the children of my guard, you are my soldiers, you have surrendered yourself to me, body and soul. // Only one enemy can exist for you -- my enemy. With the present Socialist machinations, it may happen that I shall order you to shoot down your own relatives, your brothers, or even your parents -- which God forbid -- and then you are bound in duty implicitly to obey my orders. [German Kaiser Wilhelm II, speech, 1891]

Remember, the German people are the chosen of God. On me the German Emperor, the spirit of God has descended. I am His sword, His weapon, and His vice-regent. [Kaiser Wilhelm II, 4 August 1914]

If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down? [Robin Williams]

We cannot hope for a society in which formal organized religion dies out. But we can stop behaving as if it was worthy of our collective respect. [A. N. Wilson, Against Religion]

Since theological propositions are scientifically meaningless, those of us of pragmatic disposition simply won't buy such dubious merchandise. [...] Maybe -- remotely -- there might be something in such promotions, as there might be something in the talking dogs and the stocks in Arabian tapioca mines that W.C. Fields once sold in his comedies, but we suspect that we recognize a con game in operation. At least, we want to hear the dog talk or see the tapioca ore before we buy into such deals. [Robert Anton Wilson]

The devil is only a convenient myth invented by the real malefactors of our world. [Robert Anton Wilson]

When the people stare at the sky and dream of blessedness, or when they quiver with fear for hell after death, their eyes get blinded so they can't see their own right of primogeniture. [Gerrard Winstanley]

I draw my warrant from the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments to hold the slave in bondage. [Rev. Thomas Witherspoon, Presbyterian, of Alabama]

A cult is a religion with no political power [Tom Wolfe]

It is a farce to call any being virtuous whose virtues do not result from the exercise of it's own reason. [Mary Wollstonecraft]

The man hates superstition
 But he believes in God
 I think that's inconsistent
 I think that's really odd
 When you believe in things
 that you don't understand
 then you suffer
 Superstition ain't the way
 [Stevie Wonder, Superstition]

[I]n 1776 perhaps 15 percent of all colonists were regular churchgoers. [Forrest G. Woods, _The Arrogance of Faith: Christianity and Race in America from the Colonial Era to the Twentieth Century_ (Knopf, 1990, p. 247)]

In the year before the schism, 25,000 communicants owned 208,000 slaves - over 9 percent of the total slave population - and 1,200 Methodist clergymen were themselves slaveholders. If anyone needed a barometer to measure the southern Methodist's official commitment to bondage he had only to consider the fact that every minister elevated to the rank of bishop in the Methodist Episcopal Church, South, between 1846 and the Civil War was a slaveholder [Forrest G. Woods, on the division of the Methodist Episcopalian Church of 1844, in _The Arrogance of Faith: Christianity and Race in America from the Colonia Era to the Twentieth Century_, p.309]

[Fundamentalists] never wonder why, if herpes is sent by 'god' to scourge adulterers, whooping cough and measles weren't purposely created to lambaste children. [Fred Woodworth]

If he [god] is wise, why did he not compose a coherent account of what he wanted mankind to do? No, the Bible is not such an account; nobody can agree in what it says. The very god who, according to those who believe in him, made every last electron spin in its orbit everywhere throughout the universe, still cannot write a clear, unmistakable volume of instructions to human beings who are supposed to follow his wishes, Instead, he allegedly gives us the Bible or Koran, or some other jumble of ridiculous and ancient superstitions... [Fred Woodworth]

Who speaks of liberty while the human mind is in chains? [Francis Wright, speech, Cincinnati, 1828]

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. [Frank Lloyd Wright]

If God dropped acid, would he see people? [Steven Wright]

God must hate common people, because he made them so common. [Philip Wylie]

Homer and Hesiod have ascribed to the gods all things that are a shame and a disgrace among mortals, stealing and adulteries and deceivings on one another. ....Mortals deem that gods are begotten as they are, and have clothes like theirs, and force, and form...yes, and if oxen and horses or lions had hands, and could paint with their hands, and produce works of art as men do, horses would paint forms of gods like horses, and oxen like oxen, and make their bodies in the image of their several kinds....The Ethiopians make their gods black and snub-nosed; the Thracians say theirs have blue eyes and red hair. [Xenophanes, 500BC]

Dear God, sorry to disturb you but,
 I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
 We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears......
 Can you see them fighting in the street, cause they can't get enough to eat,
 Dear God, I won't believe in you, I can't believe in you...
 I won't believe in Heaven and Hell, no saints, no sinners, no devil as well,
 no pearly gates, no thorny crown, you're always lettin' us humans down.
 If there's just one thing I won't believe in........it's you.....Dear God.
 [XTC]

The church of matches anoints in ignorance with gasoline, The church of matches grows fat by breathing in the smoke of dreams It's quite obscene [XTC, Books are Burning]

Fundamentalists are like the fir trees in German forests: they cannot stand alone, and are only stable when crowded together, branches locked with those of their brothers. That is why we must always fear them, because they will always hate us for our individualism. [Brent Yaciw, with inspirational regards to Jack M. Bickham]

Atheism is a requirement for a complete human being. Religion is a crutch that is shackled to you, one you never really needed in the first place, but were convinced by others that you couldn't live without. Once you discover it's only an illusion, that it's not even a real crutch, you discard it gladly. [Brent Yaciw, ATHALFLB@AOL.COM]

Xianity HAD to invent hell. The smarter Jews of the time were beginning to figure out what it would be like to spend eternity with religious fanatics, and the Xians needed to invent someplace worse. They failed. [Brent Yaciw, 1995]

A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday, and what he is going to do on Monday. [Thomas Ybarra]

We are god because only we can create his existence within our minds. [Yello]

We didn't send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions. We sent you to represent us. [Kent York, Baptist minister to US Rep. Bill Sarpalius]

Another possible danger is that in presenting the gospel to the lost and in defending God's truth we ourselves will seem to be false. It is time for Christian people to recognize that the defense of this modern, young-Earth, Flood-geology creationism is simply not truthful. It is simply not in accord with the facts that God has given. Creationism must be abandoned by Christians before harm is done. The persistent attempt of the creationist movement to get their points of view established in educational institutions can only bring harm to the Christian cause. Can we seriously expect non-Christian educational leaders to develop a respect for Christianity if we insist on teaching the brand of science that creationism brings with it? Will not the forcing of modern creationism on the public simply lend credence to the idea already entertained by so many intellectual leaders that Christianity, at least in its modern form, is sheer anti-intellectual obscurantism? I fear that it will. [_Christianity and the Age of the Earth_, by Davis Young, Zondervan 1982. p. 163.]

What is much more likely to undermine Christian faith is the dogmatic and persistent effort of creationists to present their theory before the public, Christian and non-Christian, as in accord with Scripture and nature, especially when the evidence to the contrary has been presented again and again by competent Christian Scientists. [Davis A. Young, Creation and the Flood]

The Jews are a frightened people. Nineteen centuries of Christian love have broken down their nerves. [Israel Zangwill]

Let us start a new religion with one commandment, 'Enjoy thyself.' [Israel Zangwill]

 People, wake up
 Figure it out
 Religious fanatics
 Around and about
 The Court House, The State House, The Congress, The White House
 Criminal saints
 With a Heavenly Mission --
 A nation enraptured
 By pure superstition.
 [When The Lie's So Big Frank Zappa, Broadway The Hard Way]

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side. [Frank Zappa]

America was founded by the refuse of the religious fanatics of England, these undesirable elements that came over on the Mayflower. Ignorant, religious fanatics who land here, abuse the Indians, and then go to bed with a board down the middle, you know, the bundling board, so they don't have sex. That's how we got started. [Frank Zappa]

No, I don't think people really give a shit about that [meeting one's maker] unless they're completely bamboozled by religious superstition - to live your life in planning for this good time you're going to have in the sky. [Frank Zappa]

The whole foundation of Christianity is based on the idea that intellectualism is the work of the Devil. Remember the apple on the tree? O.K., it was the Tree of Knowledge. You eat this apple, you're going to be as smart as God. We can't have that. [Frank Zappa]

So, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, if you go for all these fairy tales, that evil woman convinced the man to eat the apple, but the apple came from the Tree of Knowledge. And the punishment that was then handed down, the woman gets to bleed and the guy's got to go to work, is the result of a man desiring, because his woman suggested that it would be a good idea, that he get all the knowledge that was supposedly the property and domain of God. So, that right away sets up Christianity as an anti- intellectual religion. You never want to be that smart. If you're a woman, it's going to be running down your leg, and if you're a guy, you're going to be in the salt mines for the rest of your life. So, just be a dumb fuck and you'll all go to heaven. That's the subtext of Christianity. [Frank Zappa]

I don't want to see any religious people in public office because they're working for another boss. [Frank Zappa]

...They tried to make me go to Catholic school, too. I lasted a very short time. When the penguin came after me with a ruler, I was out of there. [Frank Zappa]

I still went to church regularly, though, until I was eighteen years old. Then suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. All the mindless mobidity and discipline was pretty sick - bleeding this, painful that and no meat on Friday. What is this shit? [Frank Zappa]

The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business. [Frank Zappa]

The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own. [Frank Zappa]

Those Jesus freaks, well they're friendly but, the shit they believe has got their minds all shut. [Frank Zappa, The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing]

My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: KEEP HIM OR HER AS FAR AWAY FROM A CHURCH AS YOU CAN. [Frank Zappa]

Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen. [Madrak, in Creatures of Light and Darkness, by Roger Zelazny]

The four points of the compass are logic, knowledge, wisdom, and the unknown. Some do bow in that final direction. Others advance upon it. To bow before the one is to lose sight of the three. I may submit to the unknown, but never to the unknowable. [Roger Zelazny, _Lord of Light_]

To believe that consciousness can survive the wreck of the brain is like believing that 70 mph can survive the wreck of the car. [Frank Zindler]

Many men go into the ministry not only for the power trip involved, but also so that they will never have to be interrupted or contradicted. [Frank Zindler, _Dial An Atheist_, 1990, p. 170]

Jesus loves the little zygotes
 All the zygotes in the world
 Jesus gives them birth defects
 Missing fingers, crooked necks
 Jesus loves the little zygotes of the world
 [Frank Zindler]

Well, why did the Puritans come to this country? a teacher asked his history class. To worship in their own way and to make other people do the same was the reply. [Frank Zindler]

Among mammals, a virgin birth (parthenogenesis) can only produce female offspring, for chromosomal reasons. Messiahs are mammals. Therefore, Jesus was... On the other hand, among turkeys, the chromosomal situation is such that all products of virgin birth are males. So if Jesus was a male, he might also have been... (Zindler's own punctuations) [Frank Zindler, in a note to the debate Does god exist? with John Koster]

Throughout the early Christian period, every great calamity -- famine, earthquake, and plague -- led to mass conversions, another indirect influence by which epidemic diseases contributed to the destruction of classical civilization. Christianity owes a formidable debt to bubonic plague and to smallpox, no less than to earthquake and volcanic eruptions. [Hans Zinsser, _Rats, Lice and History_, 1934]

The questions of immortality of the soul and freedom of the will, though they have called forth libraries of controversial literature, continue to appear not only utterly beyond any possibility of satisfactory proof but, instead, trivial in being so definitely personal, once the principle of an all-pervading and ordering force is accepted. And the conception of a God so constituted that we are, as individuals, of direct concern to Him appears both presumptuous -- considering our individual insignificance in the scheme as a whole -- and unnecessary for that feeling of helpless reverence in face of the universal order which is the essence of religious experience. Moreover, paleontologically considered, one would have to assume that such a 'personal' God existed long before the evolution of man. 'Why did He wait so long to create man?' asked Diderot. Yet reward, punishment, immortality of the soul in the theological sense, could have no meaning whatever until there had developed creatures possessing a nervous organization capable of abstract thinking and of spiritual suffering. One cannot imagine such a God occupied through millions of years, up to the Pleistocene, with personal supervision, reward and punishment, of amoebae, clams, fish, dinosaurs, and sabre-toothed tigers; then, suddenly, adjusting His own systems and purposes to the capacities of the man-ape He had allowed to develop. [Hans Zinsser, _As I Remember Him_]

If the lord had meant us to have faith, he'd have given us lobotomies. [Zlatko]

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science. [Gary Zukav, The Dancing Wu Li Masters]