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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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A woman is a pitcher full of filth with it's mouth full of blood, yet all run after her [Talmud, Shabbath 152]

At the birth of a boy all are joyful, but at the birth of a girl all are sad [Talmud, Niddah 31]

What I conclude is that religion has nothing to do with experience or reason but with deep and irrational needs. [Richard Taylor, Will Secularism Survive?, Free Inquiry]

Where are you homosexuals going to go when we win? [Kevin Tebedo, Exec. Dir. of religious-right CFV]

There can be no peaceful coexistence with homosexuals [Kevin Tebedo, Exec. Dir. of CFV]

In the end all your knees will bow to Jesus Christ whether you want to or not. [Kevin Tebedo, Director of Colorado for Family Values to an audience composed of various religions (Citizens Project Newsletter, August 1993)

Section 49-6-1012. No teacher or administrator in a local education agency shall teach the theory of evolution except as a scientific theory. Any teacher or administrator teaching such theory as fact commits insubordination, as defined in Section 49-5-5 01(s)(6), and shall be dismissed or suspended as provided in Section 49-5-511. [Tennessee Bill HB2972 (House), SB 3229 (Senate), introducted by Tennesse Rep. Zene Whitson, considered by the House Education Committee, and the K-12 Subcommittee of the Senate Education Committee, on February 21, 1996]

There lives more faith in honest doubt, Believe me, than in half the creeds. [Tennyson]

Those people who tell me that I'm going to hell while while they are going to heaven somehow make me very glad that we're going to separate destinations. [Martin Terman]

I don't think Christians should use birth control. You consummate your marriage as often as you like and if you have babies, you have babies. [Randall Terry, one of the people behind the current campaign to blockade health clinics and publicly harass and humiliate women]

Let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good.... If a Christian voted for Clinton, he sinned against God. It's that simple.... Our goal is a Christian Nation... we have a biblical duty, we are called by God to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want Pluralism. We want theocracy. Theocracy means God rules. I've got a hot flash. God rules. [Randall Terry, Head of Operation Rescue, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Aug 15, 1993]

We will find you, we will try you, and we will execute you. I mean every word of it. [Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue, at the Aug 8, 1995 U.S. Taxpayers Alliance Banquet in Washington DC, talking about doctors who perform abortions and volunteer escorts]

Intolerance is a beautiful thing...There are people that are politically correct that want to say the cardinal sin of the hour is intolerance and I think that is a bunch of junk. [Randall Terry, Operation Rescue]

The Son of God was crucified; I am not ashamed because men must needs be ashamed of it. And the Son of God dies; it by all means to be believed, because it is absurd. And He was buried, and rose again; the fact is certain, because it is impossible. [Tertullian, in _The Ante-Nicene Fathers_, by Roberts & Donaldson, Chapter 5 p. 525]

You are the devil's gateway; you are the unsealer of that forbidden tree; you are the first deserter of the divine law; you are she who persuaded him whom the devil was not valiant enough to attack. You destroyed so easily God's image, man. [Tertullian, De Culta Feminarum 1.1, on women]

A tack points heavenward when it causes the most mischief. It has many human imitations. [Texas Siftings]

No one would have remembered the good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions. He had money as well. [Margaret Thatcher]

Man always deceives himself when he abandons experience to follow imaginary systems. He is the work of Nature. He exists in Nature. He is submitted to her laws. He cannot deliver himself from them. He cannot step beyond them even in thought. [Paul-Henri Thiry, Baron d'Holbach, The System of Nature]

The weirdest way to fantasize
  While frigid Solstice thaws
  Christless Christmastime!
Replaced by...

Jesus Claus? [Gerald Tholen]

There may be Gods, but they care not what men do. [Henry David Thoreau]

I did not see why the schoolmaster should be taxed to support the priest, and not the priest the schoolmaster. [Henry David Thoreau, On the Duty of Civil Disobedience, 1849]

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. [James Thurber]

A miracle was not in our development plan, but this Madonna thing will go well with our new water amusement park. [Pietro Tidei, Mayor of Civitavecchia (1995), from a news story in the Ottawa Citizen]

Christian doctrine was shredded to pieces by biblical scholars in the 18th and 19th centuries, but the information didn't get out to the bulk of people beyond the academic world. With the Information Age, this will all change. [Farrell Till, _The Skeptical Review_]

If God were not a necessary Being of Himself, He might also seem to be made for the use and benefit of men. [John Tillotson, Sermon]

Appointed. The Rev. Lloyd John Ogilvie, 64, Presbyterian minister, to the post of Chaplain of the U.S. Senate. Currently senior pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood, California, Ogilvie is also host of a daily radio show and a weekly TV program, Let God Love You. His new job will pay $115,700 a year in taxpayer dollars. [Time magazine, 6 February 1995]

Legitimate truth is the product of evidence, not of our willingness to believe. [#11 Timotheus]

Here and there in the midst of American society you meet with men full of a fanatical and almost wild spirtualism, which hardly exists in Europe. From time to time strange sects arise which endeavor to strike out extraordinary paths to eternal happiness. Religious insanity is very common in the United States. [Alexis de Tocqueville, mid 19th century]

whatsoever person or persons withing this Province ... shall from henceforth blaspheme God ... or shall deny our Saviour Jesus to be the Sonne of God, or shall deny the Holy Trinity, the Father, Sonne and Holy Ghost, or the Godhead of any of the said Three persons of the Trinity or the Unity of the Godhead ... shall be punished with death and confiscation or forfeiture of all his or her lands... [Maryland's Tolerance Act, 1649, often hailed as the first law for religious freedom in the colonies]

I believe Christ was a man like ourselves; to look upon him as God would seem to me the greatest of sacrileges [Leo Tolstoy]

Freethinkers are those who are willing to use their minds without prejudice and without fearing to understand things that clash with their own customs, privileges, or beliefs. This state of mind is not common, but it is essential for right thinking; where it is absent, discussion is apt to become worse than useless. [Leo Tolstoy, On Life and Essays on Religion]

Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying - but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? [Lily Tomlin (b. 1939) American comedy actress]

If God is our Father (you thought), then Satan must be our Cousin. Why didn't anyone else understand these important things? [Tool]

You are going to see again the child about which you read in the Terrible Judgment, that it was condemned to hell. See! it is a pitiful sight. The little child is in this red hot oven. Hear the fire! It beats its head against the roof of the oven. It stamps its little feet on the floor. You can see on the face of this little child what you see on the faces of all in hell ' despair, desperate and horrible... This child committed very bad mortal sins, knowing well the harm of what it was doing, and knowing that hell would be the punishment. God was very good to this child. Very likely God saw that this child would get worse and worse, and would never repent, and so it would have to be punished much more in hell. So God, in His mercy, called it out of the world in its early childhood. [from Tracts for Spiritual Reading, an officially approved Catholic Children's book. In his Approbation, William Meagher, Vicar-General of Dublin, states I have carefully read over this Little Volume for Children and have found nothing whatever in it contrary to the doctrines of the Holy Faith; but on the contrary, a great deal to charm, instruct and edify the youthful classes for whose benefit it has been written.]

More ominously, some antiabortion activists have vandalized and even bombed abortion facilities. There has been a remarkable, although not-much-remarked-upon, rise in the incidence of such antiabortion violence. Since 1977 extremists in the United States have bombed or set fire to at least 117 clinics and threatened 250 others. They have invaded some 231 clinics and vandalized 224 others. [Laurence H. Tribe, _Abortion_, W.W. Norton & Co., 1990, page 172]

Do you want real TRUTH in capital letters? Then search yourself for why you believe the things you do. Don't be afraid to analyze why your religion gives you the high it does. Answer yourself this question: Is TRUTH important enough for me to give up my religion if that is required? Until you answer yes to this you are not being honest with yourself. [Dave Trissel]

That's the problem with believing in a supernatural being. Trying to determine what he wants. [Councellor Troi, ST:TNG]

I do not concern myself with gods and spirits either good or evil nor do I serve any. [Lao Tse, founder of Taoism]

It is your god-given right to destroy any man or woman calling themselves doctors who willingly slaughter innocent children. [Keith Tucci, Exec. Dir, Operation Rescue]

In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him. [Jethro Tull, Aqualung]

Whatever a man prays for, he prays for a miracle. Every prayer reduces itself to this: 'Great God, grant that twice two be not four.' [Ivan Turgenev (1818-1883) Russian novelist, writer]

To me, faith is not better because it is atheistic rather than theistic. I am an atheist because of a 'lack' of faith, 'not' because of a different faith. [Russell Turpin on alt.atheism]

Many, many Christians claim a personal relationship with Jesus. I do not know whether this helps their bowling scores. [Russell Turpin, turpin@cs.utexas.edu]

God, we know you are in charge, but why don't you make it slightly more obvious? [Archbishop Desmond Tutu, 1990, address to students at at West Point]

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. [Mark Twain]

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven [Mark Twain]

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be -- a Christian. [Mark Twain, Notebook]

The Bible is a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology. [Mark Twain, Mark Twain and the Bible]

If there is a God, he is a malign thug. [Mark Twain]

There is one notable thing about our Christianity: bad, bloody, merciless, money-grabbing and predatory as it is - in our country particularly, and in all other Christian countries in a somewhat modified degree - it is still a hundred times better than the Christianity of the Bible, with its prodigious crime- the invention of Hell. Measured by our Christianity of to-day, bad as it is, hypocritical as it is, empty and hollow as it is, neither the Deity nor His Son is a Christian, nor qualified for that moderately high place. Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilt. [Mark Twain, Reflections on Religion]

There was no place in the land where the seeker could not find some small budding sign of pity for the slave. No place in all the land but one-- the pulpit. It yielded last; it always does. It fought a strong and stubborn fight, and then did what it always does, joined the procession-- at the tail end. Slavery fell. The slavery texts [in the Bible] remained; the practice changed; that was all. [Mark Twain and the Three R's, by Maxwell Geismar, p.109]

O Lord our God, help us tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells;
help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot
dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their
wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a
hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows
with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little
children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and
hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of
winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge
of the grave and denied it...
 [Mark Twain, The War Prayer]

One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed it - they also believed the world was flat. [Mark Twain]

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. [Mark Twain]

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. [Mark Twain]

It is best to read the weather forcast before praying for rain. [Mark Twain]

The Christian Bible is a drug store. It's contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight--scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store's stock... He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time. [Mark Twain and the Three R's, by Maxwell Geismar, p.107]

These people's God has shown them by a million acts that he respects none of the Bible's statues. He breaks every one of them himself, adultery and all. [Mark Twain and the Three R's, by Maxwell Geismar, p.124]

There are no witches. The witch text remains; only the practice has changed. Hell fire is gone, but the text remains. Infant damnation is gone, but the text remains. More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the texts that authorized them remains. [Mark Twain and the Three R's, by Maxwell Geismar, p.110]

Man is a Religious Animal. Man is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. [_Letters from the Earth_, Mark Twain]

Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast [Mark Twain, _Reflections on Religion_, 1906]

I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass. [Mark Twain, Speech to the Red Cross, New York, Dec. 31, 1899]

During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. The Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after doing its duty in but a lazy and indolent way for 800 years, gathered up its halters, thumbscrews, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry. [Mark Twain, Europe and Elsewhere]

There is no other life; life itself is only a vision and a dream for nothing exists but space and you. If there was an all-powerful God, he would have made all good, and no bad. [Mark Twain, Mark Twain in Eruption]

Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. [Mark Twain]

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of. [Mark Twain]

Strange...a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied seventy times seven and invented Hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him! [Mark Twain]

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination. [Mark Twain]

Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions are all based upon that large defect in your race -- the individual's distrust of his neighbor, and his desire, for safety's or comfort's sake, to stand well in his neighbor's eye. These institutions will always remain, and always flourish, and always oppress you, affront you, and degrade you, because you will always be and remain slaves of minorities. There was never a country where the majority of people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions. [Mark Twain, _The Mysterious Stranger_]

If I wanted a loving father, a faithful husband, an honorable neighbor, and a just citizen, I would seek him among the band of Atheists. [John Tyndall, presidential address to the British Association for the Advancement of Science (1874)]

If it is nothingness that awaits us, let us make an injustice of it; let us fight against destiny, even though without hope of victory. [Miguel de Unamuno (1864-1936)]

The skeptic does not mean him who doubts, but him who investigates or researches, as opposed to him who asserts and thinks that he has found. [Miguel de Unamuno (1864-1936)]

Infidels have been among the most indefatigable workers in every reform. [B.F. Underwood, Freethought Judged by Its Fruits (1876)]

God had to kill himself to appease himself, so that he wouldn't have to roast us (his beloved creations) alive for all eternity, except that he didn't really die. [Unknown, capsule description of Christianity]

Life is not a miracle. It is a natural phenomenon, and can be expected to appear wherever there is a planet whose conditions duplicate those of the earth. [Harold Urey, Time magazine, 24 November 1952]

Which beginning of time according to our Chronologie, fell upon the entrance of the night preceding the twenty third day of Octob. in the year of the Julian Calender, 710. [Bishop J. Ussher, dating the creation]

The world was created on 22d October, 4004 B.C. at 6 o'clock in the evening. [James Ussher (1581-1656; Archbishop of Armagh), Annals of the World: 1650-1654]

The [Christian] supremacists who lead the anti-gay crusade are wrong morally. They are wrong because justice is moral, and prejudice is evil; because truth is moral and the lie of the closet is the real sin; because the claim of morality is a subtle sort of subterfuge, a strategem which hides the real aim which is much more secular. The supremacists don't care about morality, they care about power. They care about social control. And their goal, my friends, is the reconstruction of American Democracy into American Theocracy. [Urvashi Vaid (April 25, 1993)]

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. [Paul Valery]

I can very well do without God both in my life and in my painting, but I cannot, suffering as I am, do without something which is greater than I, which is my life -- the power to create. [Vincent van Gogh, letter to Theo. Art News Annual, 1950]

Nothing is more depressing and more illogical than agressive Christianity. [Gerald Vann]

We teach and define that it is a dogma divinely revealed: that the Roman pontiff, when he speaks ex cathedra, that is, when in discharge of the office of pastor and doctor of all Christians, by virtue of his supreme apostolic authority he defines a doctrine regarding faith or morals to be held by the universal Church, by the divine assistance promised him in blessed Peter, is possessed of that infallibility with which the divine Redeemer willed that his Church should be endowed for defining doctrine regarding faith and morals; and that therefore such definitions of the Roman pontiff are irreformable of themselves, and not from the consent of the Church. [Vatican Council, 24 April 1870]

Mine is not a celestial state with idle hymns of praise [Eddie Vedder, Angel]

There is no tyrrany so cruel, no yoke so intolerable as priestcraft when invested with temporal power. [Venner]

The idea of a good society is something you do not need a religion and eternal punishment to buttress; you need a religion if you are terrified of death. [Gore Vidal]

I'm a born-again atheist. [Gore Vidal]

Once people get hung up on theology, they've lost sanity forever. More people have been killed in the name of Jesus Christ than any other name in the history of the world. [Gore Vidal, from Secular Humanist Bulletin (Summer 1995)]

I want the man bearing the cross to be _its_only_victim_. [Eugene Vintras (1807-1875)]

Article I Section 16 FREE EXERCISE OF RELIGION; NO ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION. That religion or the duty which we owe to our creator, and the manner of discharging it, can be directed only by reason and conviction, not be force or violence; and therefore, all men are equally entitled to the free exercise of religion according to the dictates of conscience; and that it is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian forbearance, love, and charity towards each other. No man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place or ministry whatsoever, nor shall be enforced, restrained, molested, or burdened in his body or goods, nor shall otherwise suffer on account of his argument to maintain their opinions in matters of religion, and the same shall in nowise diminish, enlarge, or effect their civil capacities. And the General Assembly shall not prescribe any religious test whatever, or confer any particular privileges or advantages on any sect or denomination, or pass any law requiring or authorizing any religious society, or the people of any district within this Commonwealth, to levy on themselves or other, any tax for the erection or repair of any house of public worship, or for the support of any church or ministry, but it shall be left free to every person to select his religious instructor, and to make for his support such a private contract as he shall please. [Current Constitution of the Commonwealth of Virginia]

Some two-and-a-half-thousand years after its debut in Western culture, materialism stands in the final decade of the twentieth century as a complete and well-defined philosophy in many respects. Its core assumption that there is no reality other than the material order exhibiting itself in what exists around and within us distinguishes it from competing philosophies today just as sharply as it did for Lucretius. The notion of supernatural or immaterial states of being that are alien to nature seems just as incoherent to materialists in the 1990s as it did to d'Holbach, who first worked out materialism's atheistic implications. The conviction not just that the laws of nature are knowable but that human science is capable, at least in principle, of knowing them is no less central now than it was for Buechner. And the assumption that all thought and feeling, human and otherwise, is a material process is still as key an element in materialism as it has been for the mind-brain reductionists of the twentieth century. In these four and many related ways, the materialist vision is what it has always been: the clearest and most consistent effort to comprehend and demystify nature and humanity's place in it that human intelligence has ever made. [Richard C. Vitzthum, _Materialism: An Affirmative History and Definition_ (Buffalo, NY: Prometheus Books, 1995), p. 176]

The tiny inscription fragments from Dan, chiseled more than a hundred years after the alleged event, are presently the nearest there is to written evidence of the existence of the great King David and the even greater King Solomon. If I might borrow a popular phrase, Professor Rainey and his highly professional colleagues in academe are ignoring the 800-pound gorilla in the corner, which is the fact that thousands of tenth-century B.C.E. ostraca and artifacts have been found confirming the existence of minor neighboring kingdoms that were contemporary with David and Solomon, but there is nothing, not one potshard, not a scrap, to confirm the greatness of the founders of the United Monarchy. [Peter Vokac, Tucson, Arizona. Letter in Biblical Archaeology Review, Mar/Apr '95, pg. 20]

To Believe without evidence and demonstration is an act of ignorance and folly. [Volney]

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. [Voltaire]

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. [Voltaire]

A clergyman is one who feels himself called upon to live without working at the expense of the rascals who work to live. [Voltaire]

What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that is the first law of nature. [Voltaire]

It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because he is not of the same opinion, is a monster. [Voltaire]

Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. (If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.) [Voltaire, ÐpOEtres, XCVI]

Since the whole affair had become one of religion, the vanquished were of course exterminated. [Voltaire]

If God made us in His image we have certianly returned the compliment. [Voltaire]

I have only made but one prayer in my life: O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it. [Voltaire]

When he that speaks, and he to whom he speaks, neither of them understand what is meant, that is metaphysics. [Voltaire]

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. [Voltaire]

You will notice that in all disputes between Christians since the birth of the Church, Rome has always favored the doctrine which most completely subjugated the human mind and annihilated reason. [Voltaire]

Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense. [Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary, 1764]

True greatness consists in the use of a powerful understanding to enlighten oneself and others. [Voltaire]

God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best. [Voltaire (1694-1778),French philosopher, writer]

What can we say to a man who tells you that he would rather obey God than men, and that therefore he is sure to go to heaven for butchering you? Even the law is impotent against these attacks of rage; it is like reading a court decree to a raving maniac. These fellows are certain that the holy spirit with which they are filled is above the law, that their enthusiasm is the only law that they must obey. [Voltaire, 1764]

The first priest was the first rogue who met the first fool. [Voltaire]

'It is demonstrated,' [Pangloss] said, 'that things cannot be otherwise: for, since everything was made for a purpose, everything is necessarily for the best purpose. Note that noses were made to wear spectacles; we therefore have spectacles. Legs were clearly devised to wear breeches, and we have breeches. Stones were created to be hewn and made into castles; [the Baron Thunder-Ten-Tronkh] therefore has a very beautiful castle...' [Voltaire, _Candide_]

As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities. [Voltaire]

Hell: A cooking stove which heats the sacerdotal sauce-pan here below. It was founded on behalf of our priests, to the end that the latter may never be wanting in good cheer. [Voltaire (1694-1778), French philosopher, historian, author, poet]

Holy Scripture: A book sent down from heaven.... Holy Scriptures contain all that a Christian should know and believe, provided he adds to it a million or so commentaries. [Voltaire]

Moses: A prophet inspired of God who gave him a holy and righteous law, which he was obliged to change later on, seeing that it had become worthless.... He was the meekest of men, as he himself tells us. [Voltaire (1694-1778)]

Inspiration: A peculiar effect of divine flatulence emitted by the Holy Spirit which hisses into the ears of a few chosen of God.... [Voltaire]

There are no sects in geometry. [Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary, 1764]

Superstition, born of paganism and adopted by Judaism, invested the Christian Church from earliest times. All the fathers of the Church, without exception, believed in the power of magic. The Church always condemned magic, but she always believed in it: she did not excommunicate sorcerers as madmen who were mistaken, but as men who were really in communication with the devil. [Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary, 1764]

The truths of religion are never so well understood as by those who have lost their power of reasoning. [Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary, 1764]

To succeed in chaining the multitude, you must seem to wear the same fetters. [Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary, 1764]

God created sex. Priests created marriage. [Voltaire]

Superstition sets the whole world in flames; philosophy quenches them. [Voltaire]

...so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. [Voltarine de Cleyre]

Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith. I consider the capacity for it terrifying. [Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.]

I once knew an Episcopalian lady in Newport, Rhode Island, who asked me to design and build a doghouse for her Great Dane. The lady claimed to understand God and His Ways of Working perfectly. She could not understand why anyone should be puzzled about what had been or about what was going to be.
And yet, when I showed her a blueprint of the doghouse I proposed to build, she said to me, I'm sorry, but I never could read one of those things.
Give it to your husband or your minister to pass on to God, I said, and, when God finds a minute, I'm sure he'll explain this doghouse of mine in a way that even you can understand.
She fired me. I shall never forget her. She believed that God liked people in sailboats much better than He liked people in motorboats. She could not bear to look at a worm. When she saw a worm, she screamed.
She was a fool, and so am I, and so is anyone who thinks he sees what God is Doing.
[Cat's Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.]

What the Gospels actually said was: don't kill anyone until you are absolutely sure they aren't well connected [Kurt Vonnegurt, Slaughterhouse 5]