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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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I do not like your Bible verse,
It makes no sense, it is too terse,
It is devoid of all context,
What will your Holy Book say next?
I do not like your Bible verse,
it seems to go from bad to worse.
  [Niall McAuley]

Creeds made in Dark Ages are like drawings made in dark rooms [Joseph McCabe, The Story of Religious Controversy, 1929]

The making of an Atheist implies a mental stimulation and training which brings into play the primary factors of social progress. [Joseph McCabe]

An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the God question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question. [John McCarthy]

What you are about to hear is God's word to the men of this nation. We are going to war as of tonight. We have divine power -- that is our weapon. We will not compromise. Wherever truth is at risk, in the schools or legislature, we are going to contend for it. We will win. [CU Football Coach Bill McCartney, CFV Board Member]

God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. [J.D. McCoughey]

The immortality of the soul ... was really an element foreign to Hebrew belief and Hebrew psychology which was never assimilated into the Old Testament or New Testament. [Dictionary of the Bible, by Jesuit priest John L. McKenzie]

Only by the most tortured exegesis and in the most tenuous theologizing can anything resembling an anti-abortion position be ripped from the scripture.... If there are good reasons for opposing abortion on demand, and there may be, then these must be found outside the Bible. [Delos B. McKown, What Does the Bible Say About Abortion?, Free Inquiry]

The Catholic textbooks go so far as to state that oaths of office taken by the President, Congressmen, Governor, judge, etc. if the person be a Catholic must be taken with the mental restriction that his upholding of the Constitution and laws is subject to their non-conflict with the laws of the Catholic Church. [Emmet McLoughlins, American Culture and Catholic Schools, p.56]

They all err; Muslim, Christian and Jew Two make up humanity's universal sect One man intelligent without religion, The other religious without intellect [Ma'arri (1024)]

The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators. --- [Thomas Babington Macaulay, History of England, 1848-1855]

All Gaza's temples are torn down and burned and the city is cleansed of every belief but the Christian faith. The most stubborn opponents, faute de mieux, are tied up, marched away to the provincial capital, severely tortured, and all killed mala morte, 'a great number.' [Ramsay MacMullen, Christianizing the Roman Empire, p.89, from information from the Life of Porphyry.]

Anyone who asserted wrong teachings, anyone serving the devil or his demons, earned instead an equally remarkable antagonism. In their official high meetings together, Christians thus could not keep their own disagreements within the bounds of civil language; their continual quarrels required the intervention of the civil authorities; and all this was well known and noted by friends and foes alike. [Ramsay MacMullen, Christianizing the Roman Empire, p.92]

In the light of their doctrinal dualism and the intransigence, sometimes amounting to ferocity, with which its spirit was applied, Christians might have been expected to press their differences home with every device and force available. Moreover, if they are measured by their bishops (and a better yardstick is not easily thought of), close to half the population who called themselves church members toward mid-century must have belonged to some allegiance other than the one that ultimately prevailed: in other words, they were Arian, donatist, or Meletian. Sectarian rivalry was thus a very real thing, a spur to great exertions. Egypt especially, being split three ways, echoed to the shouts of partisans, the din of violence, and laments for those robbed, stripped naked, flogged, imprisoned, exiled, sent to the quarries and coppermines, conscripted into the army, tortured, decapitated, strangled, or stoned or beaten to death. The express object was to make converts. [Ramsay MacMullen, Christianizing the Roman Empire, p. 93]

The Old Testament is tribal in its provinciality; its god is a local god, and its village police and sanitary regulations are erected into eternal laws. [John Macy, The Spirit of American Literature]

Dogma still smells the same whether it comes from the podium or the pulpit. [Steve Mading]

When I get down on my knees, it is not to pray. [Madonna]

It is difficult to believe in a religion that places such a high premium on chastity and virginity. [Madonna]

The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church. [Ferdinand Magellan]

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name? [Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect]

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious. [Bill Maher, host of Politically Incorrect]

Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be. [Andre Malraux]

It is in the book of man, not the book of god, that we must look for examples of heroism, love, pity, justice, truth, honor, humanity. [M.M. Mangasarian, _The Bible Unveiled_]

The worst criminals are not half so immoral as the creators and perpetrators of the unquestionable hell of Christian theology [M.M. Mangasarian _Morality Without God_, 1913]

God has always been hard on the poor. [Jean Paul Marat (1743-1793)]

The religious part of easter is treated with solemnity, even the resurrection, but the secular part is pure paganism with all the heartiness drained out of it. Easter needs its Dickens. [Samuel Marchbank's Almanac]

It is necessary for men to be deceived in religion. [Marcus Terentius Varro]

In some ways the case of Edward H. Winter is a prototypical miracle of modern medicine. ... He would probably have died of a heart attack in May 1988, when he was 82, if a nurse at St. Francis-St. George Hospital had not revived him through electric shock. ... A few months before his heart attack, he watched the slow, agonizing death of his wife of 55 years, who had suffered brain damage after shock resuscitation from a heart attack of her own, and he resolved that nothing like that would happen to him. ... When his time came, he told his children, they should simply let him die. He told his doctor the same thing. ... Two days after he was revived, he suffered a debilitating stroke. ... He is now partly paralyzed and largely confined to his bed in a nursing home, and although he can still speak, he can utter only a few words before he begins to cry, in despair. ... But for the hospital's intervention, he has charged, he could have died, and in dignity. ... His medical bills now total about $100,000 and are still rising, and his life savings are just about depleted. ... His doctors see scant chance for physical improvement. They say he could live for years. ... The hospital argues any damages Winter has suffered resulted from 'an act of God' over which the hospital had no control. [David Margolick, New York Times, Press Democrat, 18 March 1990]

I count religion but a childish toy, And hold there is no sin but ignorance. [Christopher Marlowe, The Jew of Malta]

[as for evolution]....cutting out the sections [on the subject] is preferrable if the portions are not thick enough to cause damage to the spine of the book as it is opened and closed in normal use. When the sections needing correction are too thick, paste the pages together being careful not to smear portions of the book not intended for correction. [R.E. Martin, American creationist, in 'Reviewing and Correcting Encyclopaedias' (1983: 205-7), instructing followers to censor books that don't follow creation dogma]

I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on. [Steve Martin]

It is my deliberate opinion that the one essential requisite of human welfare in all ways is scientific knowledge of human nature. [Harriet Martineau]

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the feeling of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of unspiritual conditions. It is the opium of the people. [Karl Marx, Introduction, Critique of the Hegelian Philosophy of Right, Deutsch-Franzoesische Yahrbuecher, 1844]

Religion is the impotence of the human mind to deal with occurences it cannot understand. [Karl Marx]

The imaginary flowers of religion adorn man's chains. Man must throw off the flowers, and also the chains. [Karl Marx, Simon Emler, editor, The Wisdom of Karl Marx, 1948]

The first requisite for the happiness of the people is the abolition of religion. [Karl Marx]

If any person shall Blaspheme the name of God, the Father, Sonne or Holie Ghost, with direct, expresse, Presumptious or high handed blasphemie, or shall curse God in the like manner, he shall be put to death. Lev. 24:15,16 [Massachusetts' Body of Liberties of 1641, Section 94]

Immortality is not a gift, Immortality is an achievement; And only those who strive mightily Shall possess it. [Edgar Lee Masters 1869-1950]

...I couldn't but surmise that the devil, looking at the cruel wars that Christianity has occasioned, the persecutions, the tortures Christian has inflicted on Christian, the unkindness, the hypocracy, the intolerance, must consider the balance sheet with complacency. And when he remembers that it has laid upon mankind the bitter burden of the sense of sin that has darkened the beauty of the starry night and cast a baleful shadow on the passing plesures of a world to be enjoyed, he must chuckle as he murmurs: give the devil his due. [W. Somerset Maughman, The Razor's Edge]

I do have a problem with separation of church and state. I don't think there's anything wrong with the government having religious views and practices. [Martin Mawyer, Pres. Christian Action Network]

What you are about to hear is God's word to the men of this nation. We are going to war as of tonight. We have divine power -- that is our weapon. We will not compromise. Wherever truth is at risk, in the schools or legislature, we are going to contend for it. We will win. [Bill McCartney, head of Religious Right group Promise Keepers]

On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. [Curtis McDougall]

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike. [Delo McKown]

It is scandalous that any modern, intelligent, well- educated person should believe in Christianity. [Delos B. McKown, Ph.D., U.S. professor, philosopher, author, Former clergyman]

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein. It rejects it. [P.B. Medawar]

I was negotiating a contract to accept Jesus as my personal savior, but he refused to recognize my free sex clause. [Al Medwin]

The eyes are witnesses that the heavens revolve in the space of twenty- four hours. But certain men, either from the love of novelty, or to make a display of ingenuity, have concluded that the earth moves; and they maintain that neither the eighth sphere nor the sun revolves....Now, it is a want of honesty and decency to assert such notions publicly, and the example is pernicious. It is the part of a good mind to accept the truth as revealed by God and to acquiesce in it. [Melanchthon]

Without the intervention of the civil authority what would our percepts become?- Platonic laws. [Melanchthon, as quoted in Frans Funck-Brentan, _Luther_ (London: Jonathan Cape, Ltd. 1939) P. 260]

Better sleep with a sober cannibal that a drunken Christian. [Herman Melville]

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.... A man full of faith is simply one who has lost (or never had) the capacity for clear and realistic thought. He is not a mere ass: he is actually ill. [H.L. Mencken, New York Times Magazine, 11 September 1955]

There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. Soon or later the laws governing the production of life itself will be discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even highly probable. [H. L. Mencken, 1930]

Perhaps the most revolting character that the United States ever produced was the Christian business man. [H.L. Mencken]

Puritanism- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. [H.L. Mencken]

The acting that one sees upon the stage does not show how human beings comport themselves in crises, but how actors think they ought to. It is thus, like poetry and religion, a device for gladdening the heart with what is palpably not true. [H. L. Mencken]

The liberation of the human mind has never been furthered by dunderheads; it has been furthered by gay fellows who heaved dead cats into sanctuaries and then went roistering down the highways of the world, proving to all men that doubt, after all, was safe--that the god in the sanctuary was finite in his power and hence a fraud. One horse-laugh is worth ten thousand syllogisms. It is not only more effective; it is also vastly more intelligent. [H.L. Mencken]

Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in veneration- courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and above all, love of the truth. [H.L. Mencken, Autobiographical Notes (1925)]

God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macetated egos; He will set them above their better. [H.L. Mencken]

Christian theology is not only opposed to the scientific spirit; it is opposed to every other form of rational thinking. [H. L. Mencken]

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. [H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956]

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. [H. L. Mencken]

The major contribution of Protestant thought to the knowledge of mankind is its massive proof that God is a bore. [H.L. Mencken]

What is the function that a clergyman performs in the world? Answer: he gets his living by assuring idiots that he can save them from an imaginary hell. [H. L. Mencken, Minority Reports]

The cosmos is a gigantic fly wheel making 10,000 revolutions a minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride. [H.L. Mencken]

Men become civilized not in proportion to their willingness to believe but in proportion to their readiness to doubt. [H. L. Menchen]

Theology-An effort to explain the unknowable by putting it into terms of the not worth knowing. [H.L. Mencken]

There is no possibility whatsoever of reconciling science and theology, at least in Christendom. Either Jesus arose from the dead or He didn't. If he did, then Christianity becomes plausible; if He did not, then it is sheer nonsense. I defy any genuine scientists to say that he believes in the Resurrection, or indeed in any other cardinal dogma of the Christian system. [H.L. Mencken, Prejudices]

Metaphysics is almost always an attempt to prove the incredible by an appeal to the unintelligible. [H.L. Mencken, Prejudices]

I believe that religion, generally speaking, has been a curse to mankind--that its modest and greatly overestimated services on the ethical side have been more than overcome by the damage it has done to clear and honest thinking. [H.L. Mencken, New York Times Magazine, 11 September 1955]

There is, in fact, nothing about religious opinions that entitles them to any more respect than other opinions get. On the contrary, they tend to be noticeably silly. [H.L. Mencken]

The objection to Puritans is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think. [H.L. Mencken]

Archbishop: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. [H.L. Mencken]

Church: A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there. [H.L. Mencken]

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven. [H.L. Mencken]

Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time. [H.L. Mencken]

Pastor: One employed by the wicked to prove to them by his example that virtue doesn't pay. [H.L. Mencken]

Sunday: A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell. [H.L. Mencken]

Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. [H.L. Mencken]

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. [H.L. Mencken]

Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. [H.L. Mencken]

I detest converts almost as much as I do missionaries. [H.L. Mencken]

One seldom discovers a true believer that is worth knowing. [H.L. Mencken]

The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians. [H.L. Mencken]

A man who is an agnostic by inheritance, so that he doesn't remember any time that he wasn't, has almost no hatred for the religious. [H.L. Mencken]

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. [H.L. Mencken]

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. [H.L. Mencken]

It is only the savage, whether of the African bush or of the American gospel tent, who pretends to know the will and intent of God exactly and completely. [H.L. Mencken]

It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. If such a board actually exists it operates precisely like the board of a corporation that is losing money. [H.L. Mencken]

Clergyman. A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven. [H.L. Mencken]

The man or country that fights priestcraft and priests is to my mind striking deeper for freedom than can be struck anywhere. [George Meredith, letter of Sept. 3,1874]

Send me money, send me green, Heaven you will meet, Make a contribution and you'll get a better seat... [Metallica]

The delegates of the annual conference are decidedly opposed to modern abolitionism, and wholly disclaim any right, wish, or intention to interfere in the civil and political relation between master and slave in the slave-holding states of the union. [Methodist Episcopal Church, Statement of the General Conference, Cincinnati, May 1836]

But might not one suppose as some have supposed, that the feeling which is observed in animated bodies, might belong to a being distinct from the matter of these bodies, to a substance of a different nature united to them? Does the light of reason allow us in good faith to admit such conjectures? We know in bodies only matter, and we observe the faculty of feeling only in bodies: on what foundation then can we erect an ideal being, disowned by all our knowledge? [Julien Offray de La Mettrie (1709-1751) The Natural History of the Soul (1742)]

For God so loved the world that He gave Man Free Will and then got pissed when we didn't meet his arbitrary standards. Oh, and he had his Son offed when he realized how impossible those standards were. [Michael 4:23]

Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us. [militant religionists everywhere]

I will call no being good, who is not what I mean when I apply that epithet to my fellow-creatures; and if such a being can sentence me to hell for not so calling him, to hell I will go. [John Stuart Mill]

The time appears to me to have come when it is the duty of all to make their dissent from religion known. [John Stuart Mill]

The world would be astonished if it knew how great a proportion of its brightest ornaments, of those most ditinguished even in popular estimation for wisdom and virtue, are complete skeptics in religion. [John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) British philosopher]

The tendency has always been strong to believe that whatever received a name must be an entity or being, having an independent existence of its own. And if no real entity answering to the name could be found, men did not for that reason suppose that none existed, but imagined that it was something peculiarly abstruse and mysterious. [John Stuart Mill]

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago. [Dennis Miller, SNL News]

Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester. [Dennis Miller]

I have my own God, and I think my God finds me incredibly fucking funny. That's why I chose him as my God ... [Dennis Miller]

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the FIRST time. [Dennis Miller]

If one is willing to make adjustments in the historical claims of the Bible, they can be correlated with the archaeological evidence if one is willing to take some liberties with the archaeological evidence. [J. Maxwell Miller, Biblical archaeologist]

The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, disbelief -- call it what you will -- than any book ever written. [A.A. Milne]

congregation, please be seated and open your prayer guides to the book of revelations, psalm 69
drinking the blood of jesus
drinking it right from his veins
learning to swim in the ocean
learning to prowl in his name
the body of christ looked unto me
a preacher with god-given hands
he wants you to suck on the holy ghost
and swallow the sins of man
psalm 69
the invisible piss of the holy ghost
comes down like acid rain
they're making a bonnet of terminal guilt
the scavengers go on parade
the fathers who write that eternity
is used to fight the sword
have filled you up with the devil's cock
and he'll come in the name of the lord
 the way to succeed and the way to suck eggs
[Psalm 69, Ministry]

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. [Wilson Mizner]

Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof [Ashley Montague]

How many things served us yesterday for articles of faith, which today are fables for us! [Montaigne]

O senseless man, who cannot possibly make a worm and yet will make Gods by the dozen! [Michel de Montaigne (1533-92)]

Miracles arise from our ignorance of nature, not from nature itself. [Michel Eyquen Montaigne (1533-1592) Essays Book 1, Ch. 39]

...I was suddenly inspired to describe the Judeo-Christian god as a penis which has been endowed with cosmic significance. [Soledad de Montalvo]

No kingdom has shed more blood than the kingdom of Christ. [Montiesque]

So you're a god, eh? Very nice, very nice. But, you still don't have a reservation... [Monty Python]

A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals... Now did the Lord say, First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. [Monty Python, Monty Python and the Holy Grail]

And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment they will not be there. At this time a friend shall lose his friends's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before ... [Prophet in Monty Python's, Life of Brian]

Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock Don't put us on the barbeque or simmer us in stock, Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok. [Monty Python]

...and sporteth twice they the camels, before the third hour. And so the Millionites went forth, to Ramgilliad, in Kadesh-belgamesh, by Shorethberagalion, to the house of Gashbillbethuelbasda, he who brought the butterdish to Balshaza, and the tent-peg to the house of Rashamon. And there, slew they the goats, yeah, and put they the bits, in little pots. [Monty Python]

There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not [Monty Python, The Meaning of Life]

Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non- existence of God, they have decided to fight for it. [Monty Python]

Out of all the Saints sent by God, I think I am the most successful one already as it now stands. When it comes to our age, we must have an automatic theocracy to rule the world. So, we cannot separate the political field from the religious. My dream is to organize a Christian political party including the Protestant denominations, Catholic and all the religious sects. We can embrace the religious world in one arm and the political world in the other. The whole world is in my hand, and I will conquer and subjugate the world. I have met many famous so-called famous Senators and Congressmen, but to my eyes they are just nothing; they are weak and helpless before God. If the U.S. continues its corruption, and we find among the Senators and Congressmen no one really usable for our purposes we can make Senators and Congressmen out of our members. [Rev. Sun Myong Moon, in MASTER SPEAKS, 5/17/73, detailing his anti-democratic plans for the USA]

So telling a lie becomes a sin if you tell it to take advantage of a person, but if you tell a lie to do a good thing for him that is not a sin. Even God tells lies very often; you can see this throughout history. [Rev. Sun Myong Moon, in MASTER SPEAKS, 3/16/72--England, revealing the extent of his respect for truth, i.e. none]

The sentient may perceive and love the universe, but the universe may not perceive and love the sentient. The universe sees no distinction between the multitude of creatures and elements which comprise it. All are equal. None is favored. The universe, equipped with nothing but the materials and the power of creation, continues to create: something of this, something of that. It cannot control what it creates and it cannot, it seems, be controlled by its creations (though a few might deceive themselves otherwise). Those who curse the workings of the universe curse that which is deaf. Those who strike out at those workings fight that which is inviolate. Those who shake their fists, shake their fists at blind stars. [Michael Moorcock, from The Chronicles of Corum]

Faith is an absolutely marvelous tool. With faith there is no question too big for even the smallest mind. [Rev. Donald Morgan (b. 1933), Atheist theologian]

God: The Immutable One, though somewhat different for each person, denomination, religion, society, and historical period. The omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, all-wise, infinite mind who -- for strictly personal reasons -- makes a point of seeming to be an impotent, know-nothing, nowhere, bumbling oaf. [Rev. Donald Morgan]

If God is love, and if God is also omnipresent, then the Devil cannot exist. If the Devil exists, God cannot be love and also be omnipresent. Yet, an omnipresent God of love and the Devil are both said to exist. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure that there is something wrong here! [Rev. Donald Morgan, Atheologian]

Thank God that the Bible cannot possibly be the word of God. [Rev. Donald Morgan, Atheologian]

If the Bible is telling the truth, then God is either untruthful or incompetent. If God is truthful, then the Bible is either untruthful or erroneous. [Rev. Donald Morgan, Atheologian]

Moral: A peerless maxim enumerated by God in his Holy Bible, such as that of Deut. 23:1, if your testicles are crushed or your male member missing, you must never enter a sanctuary of the Lord. [Rev. Donald Morgan, Atheologian]

A thorough reading and understanding of the Bible is the surest path to atheism. [Rev. Donald Morgan, Atheologian]

Atheist: A person who believes in one less god than you do. [Rev. Donald Morgan, Atheologist]

Christians say that--without exception--their God answers all of their prayers; it's just that He sometimes says yes and other times no, maybe, or wait. Of course the same could be said of the rain-god,Bob. [Rev. Donald Morgan]

If God existed as an all-powerful being, He would not need the money that faithful believers donate to their churches. [Rev. Donald Morgan]

The certainty with which a religious belief is held is usually in direct proportion to its absurdity. [Rev. Donald Morgan]

The effectiveness of any one of three prayers, each given twice, is expressed mathematically as: ((3x2)-6)/((6+1)-7)] [Rev. Donald Morgan]

The treatment of prayer proposals by Congress seems, as much as anything, a reflection of the state of the level of morale within the institution. If congressional morale is high and much is going on, little attention is paid to such hardy perennials. When, however, Congress begins to feel excluded and ineffectual, the bad penny of a prayer amendment seems to turn up and begins commanding attention again. [Richard E. Morgan, The Supreme Court and Religion]

All religions die of one disease - that of being found out. [John Morley]

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat. [John Morley]

....Man can contemplate his own mortality and finds the thought intolerable. Any animal will struggle to protect itself from a threat of death. Faced with a predator, it flees, hides, fights or employs some other defensive mechanism, such as death-feigning or the emission of stinking fluids. There are many self-protection mechanisms, but they all occur as a response to an immediate danger. When man contemplates his future death, it is as if, by thinking of it, he renders it immediate. His defence is to deny it. He cannot deny that his body will die and rot--the evidence is too strong for that; so he solves the problem by the invention of an immortal soul--a soul which is more 'him' than even his physical body is 'him.' If this soul can survive in an afterlife, then he has successfully defended himself against the threatened attack on his life.
This gives the agents of the gods a powerful area of support. All they need to do is to remind their followers constantly of their mortality and to convince them that the afterlife itself is under the personal management of the particular gods they are promoting. The self-protective urges of their worshippers will do the rest. [Desmond Morris, Religious Displays, _Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behaviour_, 1977, Abrams, New York, p. 149-51.]

Religious Displays, as distinct from religious beliefs, are submissive acts performed towards dominant individuals called gods. The acts themselves include various forms of body-lowering, such as kneeling, bowing, kowtowing, salaaming and prostrating; also chanting and rituals of debasement and sacrifice; the offering of gifts to the gods and the making of symbolic gestures of allegiance.

The function of these actions is to appease the super-dominant beings and thereby obtains favours or avoid punishments. There is nothing unusual about this behaviour in itself. Subordinates throughout the animal world subject themselves to their most powerful companions in a similar way. But the strange feature of these human submissive actions, as we encounter them today, is that they are performed towards a dominant figure, or figures, who are never present in person. Instead they are represented by images and artifacts and operate entirely through agents called holy-men or priests. These middle-men enjoy a position of social influence and respect because some of the power of the gods rubs off on them. It is therefore extremely important to the holy-men to keep the worshippers permanently obedient to the super- dominant figures, and they do this in several ways. [Desmond Morris, _Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behaviour_, 1977, Abrams, New York, pages 148-9]

One of the demands put upon the priests and holy-men is that they should provide impressive rituals. Nearly all religions include ceremonial procedures during which the followers of a particular deity can indulge in complex group activities. This is essential as a demonstration of the power of the gods--that they can dominate and command submissive behaviour from large numbers of people at one and the same time--and it is also a method of strengthening the social bonding in relation to the common belief. Since the gods are super-parents and super-leaders, they must necessarily have large houses in which to 'meet' with their followers. Anyone flying low over human settlements in a spacecraft and ignorant of our ways would notice immediately that in many of the villages and towns and cities there were one or two homes much bigger than the rest. Towering over the other houses, these large buildings must surely be the abodes of some enormous individuals, many times the size of the rest of the population. These--the houses of the gods--the temples, the churches and the cathedrals--are buildings apparently made for giants, and a space visitor would be surprised to find on closer examination that these giants are never at home. Their followers repeatedly visit them and bow down before them, but they themselves are invisible. Only their bell-like cries can be heard across the land. Man is indeed an imaginative species. [Desmond Morris, Religious Displays, _Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behaviour_, 1977, Abrams, New York, page 152.]

I viewed my fellow man not as a fallen angel, but as a risen ape [Desmond Morris, The Naked Ape]

No matter how old we become, we can still call them [i.e., the super- dominant beings] 'Holy Mother' and 'Father' and put a child-like trust in them (or their agents, who often adopt similar titles for themselves). [Desmond Morris, Religious Displays, _Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behaviour_, 1977, Abrams, New York]

When science and the Bible differ, science has obviously misinterpreted its data. [Henry Morris, Head of Institute for Creation Research]

Evolution is the root of atheism, of communism, nazism, behaviorism, racism, economic imperialism, militarism, libertinism, anarchism, and all manner of anti-Christian systems of belief and practice. [H. M. Morris, The Remarkable Birth of Planet Earth, San Diego, Creation-Life Publishers, 1972]

The only way we can determine the true age of the earth is for God to tell us what it is. And since He has told us, very plainly, in the Holy Scriptures that it is several thousand years in age, and no more, that ought to settle all basic questions of terrestrial chronology.

[Henry Morris, ICR President, 1974]

The stars associated with the solar system, such as the planets and asteroids (and it should be remembered that the term star in Biblical usage applies to any heavenly body other than the sun and moon) would be particularly likely to be involved, in the view of the heavy concentration of angels, both bad and evil, around the planet Earth. [Henry Morris, ICR]

The so-called geologic ages are essentially synonymous with the evolutionary theory of origins. The latter is the anti-God conspiracy of Satan himself. [Dr Henry Morris, President of the Institute for Creation Research, 1978]

The only Bible-honoring conclusion is, of course, that Genesis 1-11 is actual historical truth, regardless of any scientific or chronological problems thereby entailed. [Dr Henry Morris, President ICR, 1972]

Pass the pub that wrecks your body And the church, all they want is your money [Morrisey]

There are no atheists in foxholes isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes. [James Morrow]

Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man by lying with him. But all the young girls who have not known man ... , keep alive for yourselves. [Moses, relaying God's orders to his people, Numbers 31:17-18]

God--as revealed in his book of edicts and narratives-- is practically an idiot. He has nothing to say that any sensible person should want to listen to. [Johann Most (c. 1890), Popular anarchist speaker]

As set forth by theologians, the idea of God is an argument that assumes its own conclusions, and proves nothing. [Johann Most (c. 1890), popular anarchist speaker]

Among all mental diseases that have been systematically inoculated into the human cranium, the religious pest is the most abominable. [Johann Most, The God Pestilence,]

The god of the Christians, as we have seen, is the god who makes promises only to break them; who sends them pestilence and disease in order to heal them; a god who demoralizes mankind in order to improve it. A god who created man after his own image, and still the origin of evil in man is not accredited to him. [Johann Most, The God Pestilence,]

No one can be an unbeliever nowadays. The Christian apologists have left one nothing to disbelieve. [Saki, H.H. Munro (1870-1916), Scottish author]

CEE is opposed to censoring such things as the true Christian history of our nation and the scientific evidence that renders macro-evolution impossible. Both of these have been extensively censored. We do support rejection or removal of obscene, morbid and unhealthy materials. [David Muralt, Texas Director of Citizens for Excellence in Education, from Feb. 7, 1994 Austin American-Statesman] ----- Find a christian today and tell him he is sick. Convert him, if that term means anything, to a healthy lifestyle. Christians don't have a monopoly on morality. We too can do 'the good work'. [On Confrontation, from _Essays of an Atheist Activist_ by Jon G. Murray]

There was no such person in the history of the world as Jesus Christ. There was no historical, living, breathing, sentient human being by that name. Ever. [The Bible] is a fictional, nonhistorical narrative. The myth is good for business. [Jon Murray, President of American Atheists, as quoted in Life Magazine, Dec. 1994 Jesus issue]

A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police. [Mr. Dooley]

For man is the maker of all deities, inventer of all abstractions, builder of all laws and from first to last, the measure of all things, the very meaning of the earth. [Harry A. Murry]

Fascism is a religious concept. [Benito Mussolini, _Fascism, Institutions And Doctrines_]