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httpjoke - Internet E-Mail Leadership and Office Humor

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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is humor for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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Click here to the Internet E-Mail Leadership Humor site (updated February 12, 2017)


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TABLE of CONTENTS


Leadership Humor (Officer Fitness Report Quotes) (MAIL0476.DOC)

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The following are actual excerpts taken from various "206's"....


50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator (97041902.DOC)

  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!!!
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of " It's a Small World" incessantly.
  5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  7. Shave
  8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarassed when they open by themselves.
  12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  14. One word: Flatulence!
  15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: " I've got new socks on!"
  18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back " Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
  19. Give religious tracts to each passenger
  20. Meow occassionally
  21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  22. Frown and mutter " gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  23. Show the other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  24. Sing "Mary had a Little Lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends
  26. Walk on with a cooler that says " human head" on the side.
  27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce " You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  28. Burp, and then say "mmmm....tasty!"
  29. Leave a box between the doors.
  30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it
  32. Start a sing-along.
  33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  34. Play the harmonica
  35. Shadow box.
  36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  37. Lean against the button panel.
  38. Say " I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethescope.
  40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space"
  41. Bring a chair along.
  42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: " Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  43. Blow spit bubbles
  44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings
  45. Announce in a demonic voice: " I must find a more suitable host body."
  46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively
  47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  49. Stare at your thumb and say " I think it's getting larger."
  50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler " Bad touch!"

Resume Bloopers (97090601.DOC)

Robert Half International, a worldwide executive-search firm based in Menlo Park, Cal., collects and publicizes bloopers like the ones listed below from real resumes--not to make anybody feel stupid but as a cautionary exercise. Here is a sampling of the kind of thing you don't want to send out.


News Reports Of Crimes And Job Problems (97100201.DOC)

A Florida chapter of the Ku Klux Klan is threatening to sue after being denied permission to participate in the state's "Adopt-a-Highway" cleanup program. "Really, we're just like the Lions or the Elks," said Grand Wizard Jeff Coleman...

Santa Barbara County bomb squad members Tuesday blew up a foot-long metal pipe with caps on both ends, laying in the middle of Donovan Road believing it could be a bomb. It wasn't, but city fire Battalion Chief Jack Owen Jr. explained that "if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we blow it up..."

A judge in London, England has thrown out extortion charges against Martin Kamara, after it was revealed that he had been the only black in the police lineup. In an effort to make the identification process fair, the eight white men in the lineup were made up in blackface. Said Kamara: "I felt like singing 'Mammy'..."

Police in Los Angeles had better luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A delicatessen in Plauen, Germany is offering a reward of 110 pounds of salami for information leading to the arrest of whoever has been robbing the premises. The deli owner, whose shop has been robbed nine times, explained that he no longer has enough cash for a more conventional reward. "All I have left is salami..."

A woman won the job of gravedigger in Prato, Italy when all 10 male candidates for the post fainted after exhuming a body. Efforts to find suitable staff had been compounded by an error in the official job advertisement, which called for "necrophiliacs..."

In Harrisburg, Illinois, a jury has awarded $900,000 to four female cashiers after they were strip-searched by managers looking for a missing $50...

Five people died at a party in Cali, Columbia this week after drinking a "toxic cocktail" containing cocaine, marijuana, amphetamines, and "sugar cane-based firewater."

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized this week after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs...

A Miami man was shot by police this week for wearing a sock. After receiving reports of an armed man in the area, 14 police officers surrounded Bobby Whipple, who had put a sock on his hand while working on his car. The officers opened fire after repeatedly warning Whipple to "put his weapon down." Said a spokesman for the Metro-Dade Police Department: "At this point, we don't have any indication that the officers acted inappropriately." Put down the hand-puppet and back away...

After five years of pondering the hazards of the common five-gallon bucket, the Consumer Product Safety Commission decided not to require all buckets to be redesigned to make them safer for children. The commission agreed instead to let manufacturers spend $500,000 warning the public that children might fall in...

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."


Winning Friends (Office, Home Habits) (97120107.DOC)

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
  33. While sitting in your cube, yodel.

Time Cards: Activity Based Costing Financial System (98032101.DOC)

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

        Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:
        5000 Surfing the Net
        5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
        5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
        5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
        5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
        5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail
        5316 Meeting
        5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
        5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
        5319 Waiting for Break
        5320 Waiting for Lunch
        5321 Waiting for End of Day
        5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
        5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present
        5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
        5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning
        5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
        5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
        5481 Buying Snack
        5482 Eating Snack
        5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
        5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
        5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
        5503 Scratching Myself
        5504 Sleeping
        5510 Feeling Bored
        5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
        5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
        5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
        5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
        5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
        5605 Bitching about Personal Problems
        5610 Searching for a New Job
        5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
        5701 Not Actually Present at Job
        5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
        6102 Ordering Out
        6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
        6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
        6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
        6201 Stealing Company Goods
        6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
        6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls
        6206 Gossiping
        6207 Planning a Social Event
        6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
        6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
        6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
        6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
        6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
        6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
        6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)
        6602 Complaining
        6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
        6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
        6611 Staring Into Space
        6612 Staring at Computer Screen
        6615 Transcendental Meditation
        7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
        7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone
        7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
        7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
        7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
        7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
        7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
        7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
        7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
        7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code 7400)
        7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity
        8000 Recreational Drug Use

Strategies With Dead Horses 98040311.DOC)

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

  • Buy a stronger whip.
  • Change riders.
  • Say things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
  • Appoint a committee to study the horse.
  • Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
  • Rewrite the standards for dead horse performance.
  • Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
  • Create a training session to increase riding ability.
  • Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment.
  • Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
  • Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
  • Harness several dead horses together to increase speed and pulling power.
  • Declare that "No horse is too dead to beat."
  • Provide additional incentive funding to increase the horse's performance.
  • Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
  • Purchase a software product to make dead horses run faster.
  • Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
  • Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
  • Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
  • Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
  • Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
  • Shorten the track.
  • Establish Benchmarks for industry dead-horse leaders.
  • Gather other dead animals and announce a diversity program.
  • Put together a spiffy PowerPoint presentation to get planners to double the dead-horse R&D budget.
  • Get the horse a website.
  • Create a spreadsheet and graphs showing how much cheaper deadhorses are because they don't eat much and never complain about poor working conditions.

    Prison Vs Work (98060403.DOC)

     IN PRISON     you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. 
     AT WORK      you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
     IN PRISON     you get three meals a day.
     AT WORK      you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
     IN PRISON     you get time off for good behavior.
     AT WORK      you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 
     IN PRISON    a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
     AT WORK      you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
     IN PRISON     you can watch TV and play games.
     AT WORK      you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 
     IN PRISON     you get your own toilet. 
     AT WORK      you have to share.
     IN PRISON     they allow your family and friends to visit. 
     AT WORK      you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 
     IN PRISON     all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
     AT WORK      you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
     IN PRISON     you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
     AT WORK      you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
     IN PRISON    there are wardens who are often sadistic. 
     AT WORK      they are called managers.
    

    Language on the Job: Job sensitivity (98h72802.DOC)

    MEMO

    It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

    PREFERRED PHRASE
    * OLD PHRASE
    Perhaps I can work late
    * When the fuck do you expect me to do this? 
    I'm certain that is not feasible 
    * No fucking way
    Really?
    * You've got to be shitting me  
    Perhaps you should check with ... 
    * Tell someone who gives a shit    
    Of course I'm concerned 
    * Ask me if I give a shit    
    I wasn't involved in that project  
    *Its not my fucking problem
    That's interesting behavior 
    *What the fuck?!?!
    I'm not sure I can implement this  
    * Fuck it, it won't work
    I'll try to schedule that
    * Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?  
    Are you sure this is a problem 
    * Who the fuck cares?
    He's not familiar with the problem  
    * He's got his head up his ass
    Excuse me sir?
    * Eat shit and die motherfucker  
    So you weren't happy with it?  
    *Kiss my ass
    I'm a bit overloaded at this moment  
    * Fuck it, I'm on salary
    I don't think you understand  
    * Shove it up your ass
    I love a challenge
    * This job sucks
    You want me to take care of that?
    * Who the hell died and made you boss? 
    I see
    * Blow me
    Yes, we really should discuss it 
    * Another fucking meeting!!!!  
    I don't think this will be a problem  
    * I really don't give a shit
    He's somewhat insensitive 
    * He's a fucking prick
    She's an aggressive go getter  
    * She's a ball busting bitch 
    I think you could use more training
    * You don't know what the fuck you're doing  
    

    You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When... (98H81501.DOC)

    1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
    2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."
    3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
    4. You can spell "paradigm."
    5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
    6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
    7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
    8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
    9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.
    10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
    11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
    12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
    13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
    14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."
    15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."
    16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
    17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
    18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
    19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO."
    20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
    21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
    22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
    23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
    24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
    25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
    26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
    27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
    28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection.
    29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

    Professions (98H81707.DOC)

    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
    Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
    Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
    Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.
    

    A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

    The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate".

    The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced".

    The Mathematician:"If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."


    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


    Two mathematics students meet on campus one day. The first student calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."


    In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

    The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention so he's let go.

    The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

    They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."


    Top Ten Signs Of Burnout (981C1607 DOC)


    Buying Paint From An Airline (99H11814 DOC)

    Buying paint from a hardware store...

    Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

    Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

    Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

    Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

    Now, just try buying paint from an airline...

    Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

    Clerk: Well, Sir, that all depends.

    Customer: Depends on what?

    Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

    Customer: How about giving me an average price?

    Clerk: Wow. That's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

    Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

    Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference. It's all the same paint.

    Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

    Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

    Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

    Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

    Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

    Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

    Customer: You've got to be kidding!

    Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

    Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff. I can see it right there.

    Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

    Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

    Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

    Customer: I don't know exactly... maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

    Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

    Customer: What?

    Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and North bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

    Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

    Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

    Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night?

    Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

    Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

    Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is still $13.50.

    And, thanks for flying -- I mean painting -- with our airline.

    from THE HUMORLIST (humor@lgk.com)


    Keys To Business Success (99H20301 DOC)

    1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

    2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

    3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

    4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's to way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

    5. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

    from THE HUMORLIST (humor@lgk.com)


    Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings (99H20601.DOC)

    GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS........... Able to bull
    GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS........... Spends lots of time on phone
    AVERAGE EMPLOYEE.................... Not too bright
    EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED........ Made no major blunders yet
    WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY.............. Too ugly to get a date
    ACTIVE SOCIALLY..................... Drinks a lot
    FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY........... Spouse drinks, too
    INDEPENDENT WORKER.................. Nobody knows what he/she does
    QUICK THINKING...................... Offers plausible excuses
    CAREFUL THINKER..................... Won't make a decision
    AGGRESSIVE.......................... Obnoxious
    USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS........ Gets someone else to do it
    EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL........... Speaks English
    METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL...... A nit picker
    HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES............ Is tall or has a loud voice
    EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT........ Lucky
    KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR................ Knows a lot of dirty jokes
    CAREER MINDED....................... Back Stabber
    LOYAL............................... Can't get a job anywhere else !!!
    

    Airline Humor (99H31602 DOC)


    Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel (99H32501 DOC)

    The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

    "I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window."

    "A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

    "I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click."

    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

    "Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

    A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

    A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

    I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

    "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

    A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

    A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


    Business Plan (99H50507 DOC)

    The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

    The Mexican replied only a little while.

    The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

    The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

    The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

    The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

    The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

    The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

    To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

    But what then, senor?

    The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

    Millions, senor? Then what?

    The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."


    Bull Bingo (99H70615 DOC)

    Do you keep falling asleep in meetings? Here is something to change all of that. How to play: Simply check off 5 words in one meeting and shout out BINGO! It*s that easy!

    TESTIMONIALS FROM OTHER PLAYERS:

    'I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled bingo.'

    'My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.'

    'It's a breeze, meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win.'

    'The atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop as 32 of us listened intently for the elusive 5th.'

    'People are now even listening to mumblers, thanks to bull bingo.'


    A Study In Conflict Resolution (99H71303 DOC)

    This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


    Dilbert's Newest Additions To Add To Your Vocabulary In The Late 90s Office Environment (99H71601 DOC)


    Dilbert Quotes (99H81608 DOC)

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

    1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
    2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
    3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
    4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
    5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.)
    6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
    7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation
    8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
    9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
    10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
    11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
    12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

    'From Now On, You're On Your Own,' Say Experts. (99H81702 DOC)

    WASHINGTON, DC--Citing years of frustration over their advice being misunderstood, misrepresented or simply ignored, America's foremost experts in every field collectively tendered their resignation Monday.

    "Despite all our efforts to advise this nation, America still throws out its recyclables, keeps its guns in unlocked cabinets where children have easy access, eats three times as much red meat as is recommended, watches seven hours of TV per day, swims less than 10 minutes after eating, and leaves halogen lights on while unattended," said Dr. Simon Peavy, vice-president of the National Association of Experts. "Since you don't seem to care about things you don't understand, screw you. We quit."

    "My final piece of expert advice," Peavy added, "is that all of you people should just go f*** yourselves."

    Michael Leland, until recently a Department of Energy advisor specializing in planetary energy-use infrastructures and a leading expert in petrochemical and fossil-fuel depletion, maintained that the experts' mass resignation is justified. "Last year, I testified before Congress that at the current rate of consumption, the planet's supply of coal, natural gas and oil would be gone within 40 years, and they looked at me as if I was some sort of crackpot," Leland said. "What's the point?"

    "We'll say it one last time before we pack up and go: In 20 years, you'll be up to your asses in old folks," a written statement from the National Advisory Council On Aging read in part. "Since America has not yet begun making preparations for the explosion in its senior population, we recommend that you begin research on federally funded, hydroelectrically powered 'eldercution camps,' where the teeming hordes of the aged can be disposed of quickly and painlessly."

    According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven and historically sound advice provided by the nation's experts, the National Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being followed in the manner they had intended. "Public reaction was favorable to the news that a glass of wine a day can help prevent heart attacks," Peavy said. "Of course, most people figured that eight glasses of wine a day must be better than one. And many Americans reacted well to the news that eggs probably wouldn't kill them outright. Aside from that, they've pretty much ignored every word we've ever said concerning just about everything."

    Because the experts' advice was barely followed, the mass resignation is expected to have little impact on the lives of most Americans.

    "Go ahead, America," Peavy said. "You don't need us. Watch all the topsoil go down the Mississippi. Transport your children in baskets on top of your SUV deathmobiles. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly pal, the atom.

    Press your nose against the TV screen for even more educational 3rd Rock From The Sun enjoyment. Use plentiful gasoline to burn book-readers at the stake. Don't eat anything but sugared pork lard. Do whatever you want."

    Despite its negligible impact on the population at large, the sudden dearth of experts is expected to be devastating for the American media, particularly TV newsmagazines, which have come to heavily rely on experts for their incisive, time-filling punditry.

    "How in the world are we supposed to do a story on how the Internet is changing the face of Christianity without Internet and Christianity experts?" said Dateline NBC executive producer Russell Ross. "How can we report on the stress-relieving impact of whale songs without top psychotherapists and marine biologists to offer their perspective? Without the insight of professors and best-selling authors, a TV special report has no credibility. It may well mean the end of American telejournalism as we know it."

    According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors will be missed, but the nation must move forward. "We, of course, are deeply saddened to lose America's most knowledgeable individuals in every field," Landau said. "But at the same time, it's important to recognize that their advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned, was almost always impractical."


    Job Excuse Puns (00h92804.doc)


    Office Prayer (981b0602.doc)

    "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow."


    Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk (01h31301.doc)

    10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

    8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time"

    7. "I wasn't sleeping I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

    6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

    4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

    3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

    2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

    And the # 1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

    1. " ... and in Jesus' name. Amen."


    Worker dead at desk for 5 days. (01h20104.html)

    (claimed in the Birmingham Sunday Mercury - 7th Jan 2001)

    Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed at one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

    George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

    His boss Elliot Wachiaski said "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

    A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

    ... You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.


    Enron Charity (02h21609.doc)

    Dear kind-hearted friends...

    Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.

    But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, but it's a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking ass in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

    HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

    HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

    YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below:

    [ ] Mid-level Manager  
    [ ] Director  
    [ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)  
    [ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)  
    [ ] CEO (Contribution:: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)  
    [ ] Entire Company  
    [ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.  
    *It's just that easy so do it now!*

    Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron "Keep America Strong; Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!" t-shirt to wear proudly. And thank you so very much!


    Writing In Space: Problem Solving (02h21002.doc)

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

    The Russians used a pencil.


    Your Job - and the Balls you Play With (02h21001.doc)

    The following six statements lead to an amazing conclusion:

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is Basketball.
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
    6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf.

    THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
    The higher you go up the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls become.



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