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httpjoke - A collection of jokes and stories circulating among offices on E-Mail as "Internet" folk humor. This is for your imagination; do not try these pranks at home.

The attitudes towards courtship, ethnic groups, gender differences, personalities, politics, products, and religion are not necessarily those of the authors, the contributors, or this web site. This is a humor page. All of us are the subjects of some jokes. I hope this collection can be a central repository. It may also help reduce the duplication we currently receive in our daily E-Mail.

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TABLE of CONTENTS


Dr. Seuss's OJ Trial (MAIL0730.DOC)

The OJ trial as told by Dr. Seuss

   I did not kill my lovely wife.
   I did not slash her with a knife.
   I did not bonk her on the head.
   I did not know that she was dead.

   I stayed at home that fateful night.
   I took a cab, then took a flight.
   The bag I had was just for me.
   My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

   When I came home, I had a gash.
   My hand was cut from broken glass.
   I cut my hand on broken glass.
   A broken glass did cause that gash.

   My friend, he took me for a ride.
   All through LA, from side to side.
   From north to south, we took a ride.
   But from the cops we could not hide.

   My trial lasted for a year.
   A year! A year! Just sitting here!
   The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
   The circus-hype the viewers saw!

   A year! A year! Just sitting here!
   And lawyers charge by the hour I fear!

   If I'm found guilty, I will appeal!
   Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
   I'll wheedle and whine. I'll cut a deal!
   If it's not guilty, so glad I'll feel!

   Did you do this awful crime?
   Did you do this anytime?
   I did not do this awful crime.
   I could not, would not, anytime.

   Did you take this person's life?
   Did you do it with a knife?
   I did not do it with a knife.
   I did not, could not, kill my wife.
   I did not do this awful crime.
   I could not, would not, anytime.

   Did you hit her from above?
   Did you drop this bloody glove?
   I did not hit her from above.
   I cannot even wear that glove.
   I did not do it with a knife.
   I did not, could not, kill my wife.
   I did not do this awful crime.
   I could not, would not, anytime.

   And now I'm free, I can return
   To my house for which I yearn.
   And to my family whom I love.
   Now could you please return my glove!!

Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer Try To Sleep In The Barn (97082003.DOC)

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn, so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.

So the rabbi says, I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.


Celebrity Question: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? (97100702.DOC, 98040102.DOC, 98040403.DOC)

Welcome to Celebrity Questions where we pose the hard questions to famous people in the news and give you their answers. Today's Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?


Russian, A Cuban, An American And A Lawyer Are Riding In A Train (97102803.DOC)

Several people, including a Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are riding in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away... Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed.

The Cuban pulls out a pack of Premium Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away... Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. Once again, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and begins, In America we have the best lawyers in the world ...


For Homer Simpson's Fans (97110403.DOC)

> >      _------_
> >     /        \         DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson. 
> >    |          |
> >    |          |        *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!! 
> >    |     __  __)
> >    |    /  \/  \       DO...... the thing... that buys my beer... 
> >   /\/\ (o   )o  )      RAY..... the guy behind the bar...
> >   /c    \__/ --.       ME...... the guy... who drinks my beer, 
> >  (              )      FAR..... a long way to the john...
> >   \_   _-------'       SO...... I'll have another beer... 
> >    |  /         \      LA...... I'll have another beer...
> >    | | '\_______)      TEA..... I didn't order tea... 
> >    |  \_____)          And it brings me back to...
> >    |_____ |            (Looks into an empty glass) 
> >   |_____/\/\
> >   /         \          D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!.....

Clinton/Dr. Suess (98020303.DOC)

Starr I Are [A newly discovered tale by Dr. Seuss]

     I'm here to ask
     As you'll soon see --
     Did you grope
     Miss Lewinsky?

     Did you grope her
     In your house?
     Did you grope
     'Neath her blouse?

     I did not do that
     Here or there--
     I did not do that
     Anywhere!

     I did not do that
     Near or far --
     I did not do that
     Starr-You-Are.

     Did you smile?
     Did you flirt?
     Did you peek
     Beneath her skirt?

     And did you tell
     The girl to lie
     When called upon
     To testify?

     I do not like you
     Starr-You-Are --
     I think that you
     Have gone too far.

     I will not answer
     Any more --
     Perhaps I will go
     Start a war!

     The public's easy
     To distract --
     When bombs are falling
     On Iraq!

International Island Couples (98042803.DOC)

Just a little bit of stereotyping...

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere


Lewinsky And Kaczynsky Limericks (98050505.DOC)

Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick

Entry # 1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas Hail to the Chief
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

Entry # 4

There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky. *

(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)

Mexican Bungee (98050607.DOC)

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. The second guy thinks that this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Un fortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a few broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?

The first guy says, No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?


Kennedy Vs Lincoln (98051305.DOC)


Gore and Clintons flying on Air Force One(98h72011.DOC)

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Chelsea rolls her eyes,looks at all of them and says,I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.

(Actually if anyone opens a window to throw out money they could all die at that altitude)


Hillary (98h73001.DOC)

Did you hear that Hillary changed her name? The new name is Sharon Petters.


Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky (98h82507.DOC)

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

 
Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.

 
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton desperately wants?
A dead girl friend.

 
Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

 
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

 
What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and all other Americans?
When the rest want some dick in the White House, they just vote.

Clinton / Suess (98ha0202.doc)

Green Egg on His Face, By Dale Connelly, September 18, 1998

Still trying to find a way to discuss the Starr report with your preschooler?

The Bubba of Scuz
And the Bimbo of Loo
were sharing a pizza
with nothing to do.
They sat and they talked
Although little was said.
So they dabbled in
bumblefunumpus instead.
 (which cannot be explained
and is never polite)
Whether done in the daylight
or darkness of night.
But the Bubba of Scuz
was a Loyalty Scout
which meant that with Bimbos,
funumping was out.
The Loyalty Scouts
(an unusual breed)
thought that telling the truth
was the best of good deeds.
If ever you slipped
into trouble so deep
that you thought that a lie
was the best way to keep
your brains in your head
and your seat in your pants,
a Loyalty Scout would say
don't take the chance!
A Splonger named Ken
had been watching the glade
where the Bubba and Bimbo
funumped in the shade
At last said the Splong
(a responsible guy)
I now have what I need
to entice him to lie.
The Bubba of Scuz
was then pressured to tell
of the things he had done
in the glade by the dell.
Did you yert with palookas?
Or miff some goopats?
I heard that you fleegered
a blooper with gnats!
I have done no such thing
said the Bubba of Scuz
those things aren't the things
that a Scuz Bubba does.
But what about Bimbos?
Inquired the Splong.
Funumping with Bimbos
is equally wrong!
I never funumped
with the Bimbo of Loo.
If you say that I did,
what you say isn't true.
Except that it was,
bringing Bubba up short
when the Splonger named Ken
made his final report.
So take this advice
when you're feeling ashamed.
Stick to the truth
or you'll wind up defamed.
The Loyalty Scouts
will muster you out
your good friends will wonder
what you are about
And history's scribes,
remembering you
will skip all the good
you endeavored to do.
Like the Bubba of Scuz
who, 'til history's end
will be linked to his Bimbo
and the Splonger named Ken.

Copyright 1998, Minnesota Public Radio.


Top ten names for Ben & Jerry's new presidential ice cream (98ha0203.doc)

  1. Impeach-Mint
  2. Candy Pants
  3. Hyperactive Nuts
  4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
  5. Pantsachio
  6. Subpoena Colada
  7. Horny Bubba Crunch
  8. Peppermint Fattie
  9. Captain Cream
  10. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking-Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

Clinton and Monica Jokes (98h82507.DOC)

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton desperately wants?
A dead girl friend.
Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!
What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and all other Americans?
When the rest want some dick in the White House, they just vote.

Clinton quote of the day (98H92414.DOC)

Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'. -- Kenneth Starr, 1987, Sixty Minutes interview with Dianne Sawyer.


School daze (98h82612.DOC)

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do for the rest of the day.

The teacher says, Whoever is first to correctly answer the questions I ask, can leave early today.

Little Johnny says to himself, Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and can answer the question fast.

The teacher asked, Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, Abraham Lincoln. The teacher said, That's right Susie. You can go. Johnny was MAD.

The teacher asked, Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, Martin Luther King. The teacher said, That's right Mary. You can go. Johnny was even MADDER than before.

Then the teacher asked, Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?

Before Johnny could answer, Nancy said, John Kennedy. The teacher said, That's right Nancy. You can go. Johnny was BOILING MAD.

When the teacher turned her back, Johnny said, I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut. The teacher asked, WHO SAID THAT?

Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?


Dick Armey's Clinton Quote (981a2612.doc)

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in President Clinton's place, would he resign, responded:

If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey, standing over me, saying, How do I reload this damn thing?


THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS (98h82613.DOC)

Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.

Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called Kennebunkport who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Johnson City and chili. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his yacht, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with nice legs and thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.

In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

Thank you, good night and God bless America.


Monica Dry Cleaning (981C1203 DOC)

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, I've got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again? No, says Monica. Mustard.


Possible Titles For Monica's Book: (981C1601 DOC)


'Twas The Night Before Impeachment (981C2302 DOC)

     
'Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House, all the 
Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
     
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care, In hopes that Saint 
Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
     
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds, while visions of 
perjury danced in their heads.
     
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap, had just settled in 
for a long evening's nap.
     
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter they clicked on CNN to 
see what was the matter.
     
When what to their wondering eyes should appear but Tomahawk cruise 
missiles flying like reindeer.
     
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick, they knew in a moment, 
it must be Saint Slick!
     
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came, and he whistled and 
shouted and called them by name:
     
Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!  On Barney! On 
Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!
     
From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall, Now dash away, dash away, 
dashaway all !!!
     
And then the Republicans heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of 
each little hoof.
     
As they scratched their heads and were turning around the resilient 
Saint Willie scored another rebound.
     
No longer was he eating from his humble pie, while assaulting Saddam 
with his bombs from the sky.
     
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq, it looked once again like 
Slick Willie was back.
     
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!  His cheeks were 
like roses, his nose like a cherry.
     
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the hair on his head 
was as white as the snow.
     
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke, it 
encircled his head like a wreath.
     
He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed 
like a bowl full of jelly.
     
He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf, and the Republicans 
wept, in spite of themselves.
     
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave them to know 
they had something to dread.
     
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work, hard to believe 
that an Intern once called him The Jerk.
     
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose, by Wagging the Dog, up 
the polls he rose.
     
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle, then they 
cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
     
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight, Happy 
Ramadan all, and to all a good night.

The Operation (99H11301 DOC)

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

You'll be fine he said.

She asked How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life?

The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl.

What's the matter Doctor? I'll be alright won't I?

He replied, Yes, Miss Lewinsky, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.


Clinton Summer Lovin' Song (99H11808 DOC)

Sing the song below to the tune of Summer Lovin' from the musical GREASE!

Bill:
Summer intern, had me a blast

Monica:
White house intern, happened so fast

Bill:

Met a girl, crazy for me

Monica:
Met the prez, down on my knees

Bill:
Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights

Investigation Committee:
Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more

Linda Trip:
try to remember your best

Investigation Committee:
Tell us more, tell us more

Kenneth Star:
Did he come on your dress?

Bill:
Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp

Monica:
The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp

Bill:
She gave me head, right in the White House

Monica:I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:

Investigation Committee:
Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more

Linda Trip:
he sounds like a swell guy

Investigation Committee:
Tell us more, tell us more

Kenneth Star:
Did he tell you to lie?

Bill:
Press found out, it turned into a mess

Monica:
He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress

Bill:
She promised to lie, she made a vow

Monica:
Wonder who is servicing him now

Bill & Monica:
Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But.........oh
Those White House Nights

from The Sick Puppy Web Page at: http://balrog.phonetech.com/sickpuppy


Clinton's Lunch (99H12512 DOC)

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, You ready to order?

Clinton replies, Yes, I'd like a quickie.

A quickie?! the waitress replies. Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu.

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, It's pronounced Quiche.


Know Your Candidates (99H12805 DOC)

Food for thought. It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A:
Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses.
He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.


Candidate B:
Was kicked out of office twice.
Sleeps until noon.
Used opium in college.
Drinks a quart of brandy every evening.


Candidate C:
Is a decorated war hero.
He's a vegetarian
Doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer
Hasn't had any illicit affairs.


Which of these candidates is your choice??

scroll down













- Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

- Candidate B is Winston Churchill

- Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Kind of Scary...

Top 15 Rejected State of the Union Speech Opening Lines (99H12909 DOC)


Monica and The Genie (99H20604.DOC)

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes! she exclaimed.

No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.

Let's see, said Monica, I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, tthough Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.

Poof!

And just like that......
















..her ears were gone.

Dan Quayle For President (99H22505 HTM)

Funny...and scary.

Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since the average attention span in the U.S. is about as long as the average sitcom, and since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes. Please spread these to as many people as you can, so that we might stop this lunacy before it gets out of hand. Thanks, and enjoy.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. -- J. Danforth Quayle

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. -- J. Danforth Quayle

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

The future will be better tomorrow. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Public speaking is very easy. -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame forthe killings? The killers are to blame. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

For NASA, space is still a high priority. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make. --Vice President Dan Quayle

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. --Vice President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. -- Vice President Dan Quayle


Memo From Vernon Baby To All Whitehouse Staff (99H40511 DOC)

FROM THE LIMOUSINE OF VERNON JORDAN

A recent fire in the Oval Office of the White House caused irreplaceable damage to the Historical and Intellectual sections of the PRESIDENTS personal library; two' PENTHOUSE' coloring books,including one that President Clinton had completed the coloring of, and subsequently stained with fluid from an unknown (source ), were completely destroyed; thus depriving HISTORY of his most significant contribution to mankind to date.

All Female White House staff are requested to share their grief with THE PRESIDENT personally. Prayers are mandatory and prayer-givers are encouraged to assume the proper humbled (kneeling) praying position when 'sharing' with PRESIDENT CLINTON. THE PRESIDENT enjoys a relaxed atmosphere and requests the visiting mourners to refrain from being 'tight- lipped and /or nervous.

THE PRESIDENT will be honored by your volunteer visits; roll will be taken and all document shredders employed as White House Staff will be on 'STAND BY'. No 'open door' policy will be in effect; Please obtain your appointments from THE PRESIDENT only by calling from a 'pay phone' and asking to speak with EMPEROR GOD . Dress attractively in 'stain-proof attire' .

WITH FAITH AND HUMILITY, almost EMPEROR VERNON-BABY


The Jewish Mother (99H72703 DOC)

A young man calls home and tells his Jewish Mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay life style has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, 'I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?'

He tells her that not only is she Jewish and comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family, but her father is a doctor.

She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, 'What is her name?'

He answers, 'Monica Lewinsky.'

There is a pause, then his mother asks, 'What ever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?'


U.S.A. presidential election 2000 - Florida Ballot - version 1

The United States 2000 presidential election offers too much humor to capture in a single web site. It is best to read the daily newspapers. This is the first of two sample ballots - and the tip of the iceberg of humor that this 2000 election has provided us.

First ballot version

[top of ballot] [bottom of ballot]

U.S.A. presidential election 2000 - Florida Ballot - version 2

The United States 2000 presidential election offers too much humor to capture in a single web site. It is best to read the daily newspapers. This is the second of two sample ballots - and the tip of the iceberg of humor that this 2000 election has provided us.

[2nd ballot]

If you attempt to select 'Gore / Lieberman',
the last three choices shuffle
- resulting in a new second choice

[2nd ballot]

And an inevitable conclusion

[2nd ballot]

Bush's Inaugural Speech - What a Wonderful (Bush) World This Will Be

(to the tune of "What a Wonderful World This Will Be" by Sam Cooke)


Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"

Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be

Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me

Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the constitution
Don't know much about th' economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be

Don't know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be.

U.S.A. presidential election 2000 - Florida Ballot - score it yourself!

[score it]

2000 Federal Census For the South (00H42601.doc)

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

A Moral Dilemma (00hb2101.html)

The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructure destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

You come across George W. Bush, who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:









Which lens would you use?


Al Gore, I am! (to Dr. Suess' Green Eggs and Ham) 00hc0307.html

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out!
I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Lets count them upside down this time
Lets count until the state is mine!
I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too, all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it AL GORE I am!
I've counted till my fingers bleed!
And still can't fulfill my counting need!
I'll count the tiles on the floor!
I'll count, and count, and count some more!
And I will not say that I am done!
Until the counting says I've won!
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!

I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT. AL GORE I AM!

Bush and Gore Label Each Other (00hb0902.html)

The two major presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.


Bush and Gore Label Each Other - take 2 (00hb1002.html)

Our candidates and the movies

One day Dubya was talking to a bunch of his religious fanatic followers and denouncing the female nudity in movies.

At the same time across town, liberal Al was explaining how there is too much violence in the movies and this leads to violence in the streets, etc.

In other words, Dubya says there is too much bush, and Al says there is too much gore. No wonder the US citizens don't know who to vote for.


Bush humor - testing, testing... (01h50607.html)

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It is I, your Majesty."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, Sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, Bush decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican Senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It is I, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, Sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb bastard, it's Tony Blair!"


Californians - and the Power Crisis (01h42602.html)

California doesn't have enough electricity to meet its needs. The rest of the country (including George W. Bush's energy secretary Spencer Abraham, who wants Californians to suffer through blackouts as justification for drilling for oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) seems to be just fine with letting Californians dangle in the breeze without enough power to meet their needs. They laugh at Californians' frivolity. Well, everybody. Here's how it really is:

Love, The Californians


Dam it! JOKE (01h20702.html)

Urban Legend (OR) an actual letter from and reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan

Dear Mr. Jones:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

District Representative Land and Water Management Division


----Reply Letter----

Dear District Representative:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Jones is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition -- contact the dam beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English)- be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers -- be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy -- or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely, Mr. Smith

xc: PETA


Now It Can Be Told (01h40210.html)

(Urban Legends at their best)

Tipper Gore, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Gore, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The only known photograph of Chadsworth Gore shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Chadsworth Gore; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting Al Gore and his staff of professional image consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press as follows:

"Chadsworth Gore was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. "In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth Gore passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad."


Republicans Change Symbols (00H90808.doc)

Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.


Sat night live brief skit (00hb1601.html)

I can see it now...

A young, pumped up man knocking on the door of the oval office next year saying "Hi - I'm your mandate".


The 4th of July! (00h62104.doc)

Urban Legend or History?

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such are the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken people of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor." They gave you and me a free and independent America.

The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fougnt our own government! Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember: freedom is never free! (the words of memorial at the Korean Memorial by the way)

And now you know the rest of the story... Happy Fourth everybody!


The Bush - Gore Debate in October 2000 (00ha2802.doc)

A not-exactly-word-for-word transcript of the debate:

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules:

I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer: Good night.


What a Wonderful World This Will Be (Bush's Inaugural Speech) 00hb1801.html

(to the tune of "What a Wonderful World This Will Be" by Sam Cooke)
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"

Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be

Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me

Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the constitution
Don't know much about th' economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be

Don't know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be.

Which newspaper do you read? (00h92803.doc)

  1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
  3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the > >country.
  4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country > >but don't understand the Washington Post.
  5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the > >country, if they could spare the time.
  6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the > >country.
  7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
  8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
  9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
  10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

Newcomer in class...(02h21103.doc)

It was the first day of school and a new student named Albert (son of a very high profile businessman), entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Albert, "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Albert: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Albert, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the moron from out of town." "Who said that?" she demanded. Albert put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Albert says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Albert jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Albert frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" and Albert said,"Arthur Andersen, 2001."


Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library (04joke011.txt)

WASHINGTON- A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Scott McLelland said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.


The Bush Song (04joke012.txt)

(sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
 His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
 DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
 He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
 Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
 Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
 
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
 He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he calls his daddy's friends and they call the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks say, "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
 Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
 Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
 Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now, ya hear?

Our illustrious leader. Like a rock, only dumber. (04joke09.txt)

This is a short poem made up entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. They have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson. A wonderful Haiku poem like this is too good not to share.

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
    
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
    
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?
    
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
    
I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
    
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

Please pass this on. (Help cure Mad Cowboy disease in the next election!)


Reagan Pyramid Near Completion (04reagan-pyramid.jpg)

The Onion: volume 40, issue 2630, June 2004
SIMI VALLEY, CA—Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to ensure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule to be completed in time for the 40th president's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld.....


Political humor... One child left behind...George! (joke-2004-07-27a.txt)

Seems there was one child left behind...George!


On the 7th day! (joke-2004-07-27b.txt)

A long time ago God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. "Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?" Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are great rivers and small streams, forested hills and a barren basin. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there!"


Vote Republican for Good Taste (joke-2004-07-27c.jpg)

Democratic bad taste in mouth


Republican Convention Night Humor! (joke-2004-07-27d.txt)

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy.

Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." Explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room l! ittle Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."


REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE New York, NY (joke-2004-07-27e.txt)

Theyıve added a few events since: Charging that the Democratic Convention focused almost exclusively on John Kerry's four months and twelve days in Vietnam, the Republican National Committee has promised a broad-ranging convention that addresses all the issues confronting America today. However the RNC Double-Secret Intelligence Subcommittee just learned that Cats stopped playing on Broadway a few years ago. This completely obliterates the rationale for holding the 2004 Convention in New York. Accordingly, the schedule has been compressed into one evening.

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE New York, NY

Election Mechanics Seminars / Brainstorming

Economics Seminars

The Little Ladies

Tributes

Defense of Marriage Acts


George W. Bush and the Chimp Face Off (chimp-dubbya2.jpg)

George W. Bush and chimp



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