10. "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, Aug., 1945 9. "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877 8. "Any *&%#ing idiot should understand that." - Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 6. "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagoras,126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 4. "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc, 1434 3. "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" - Noah, 3914 BC 2. "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK, 1963 and the number one time in history when the "F" word was appropriate... 1. "She didn't wash the *&%#ing dress?" - Bill Clinton, 1997
1. Pain 2. Calamity 3. Accident 4. Illness 5. Insanity 6. Legal problems 7. Accusations 8. Death 9. Financial ruin 10. or your house may be burnt down .... then you will go to hell!
1. The Adirondacks (upstate New York! for the snow, of course) 2. Tulum (near Cancun, that's Mexico, folks) 3. Tokyo (for a great light show) 4. The Swiss Riviera (think food and shopping) 5. Barcelona (more shopping, great prices, I hear! but watch out for the Gypsies) 6. Taos, New Mexico (it's the chili peppers, I think) 7. Bermuda (for the steel drums) 8. Budapest (for strolling the Danube in the rain) 9. Costa Rica (let's go surfing now...) 10. Vancouver, BC (brrr...)
1) "Newbies" -- Amtrak's word for first-time train travelers -- need help, not scorn. 2) If you have 150 more passengers than you usually have on board, you need more food, water and booze. 3) Somebody should clean the johns once in a while. 4) If you make all pertinent announcements over the public address system, it should be working. 5) Figure out how to make the trains run on time. 6) Provide some sort of contact with the outside world. 7) People are not cargo. You simply can't except people to sit in their seats for 44 to 75 hours at a time. Provide something for them to do. Your club car only holds about 50 people. Only 20 people can watch the movie in the club car. Consider bringing aboard more than two videotapes for an evening's entertainment (how much could that cost?) 8) Make sure that: the seats are not broken, the cushions are not bottomed out, the windows are clean, and the air-conditioning is working properly. 9) Train you staff in customer relations. The traveling public should not be treated as though they were free-loader poor family relations who are imposing on your hospitality. 10) Tighten up your security policy. You have none in place now.
1. Homemade Fudge 2. See's Candy 3. Ben & Jerry's Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt 4. Chocolate pudding 5. German Chocolate cake 6. Hostess cupcakes 7. Hershey's kisses 8. Girl Scout chocolate mint cookies 9. Hot cocoa with marshmallows melting over it 10. Chocolate chip cookies
1. Maui 2. Kauai 3. Vancouver Island 4. Great Barrier Reef islands 5. Hawaii 6. Bali 7. Santorini 8. Sicily 9. Capri 10. Bora-Bora
1. Psycho (1960) 2. Jaws (1975) 3. The Exorcist (1973) 4. North by Northwest (1959) 5. The Silence of the Lambs (1991) 6. Alien (1979) 7. The Birds (1963) 8. The French Connection (1971) 9. Rosemary's Baby (1968) 10. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
1. "Ulysses," James Joyce 2. "The Great Gatsby," F. Scott Fitzgerald 3. "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man," James Joyce 4. "Lolita," Vladimir Nabokov 5. "Brave New World," Aldous Huxley 6. "The Sound and the Fury," William Faulkner 7. "Catch-22," Joseph Heller 8. "Darkness at Noon," Arthur Koestler 9. "Sons and Lovers," D.H. Lawrence 10. "The Grapes of Wrath," John Steinbeck
1. "Angle of Repose," by Wallace Stegner 2. "The Grapes of Wrath," by John Steinbeck 3. "Sometimes a Great Notion," by Ken Kesey 4. "The Call of the Wild," by Jack London 5. "The Big Sleep," by Raymond Chandler 6. "Animal Dreams," by Barbara Kingsolver 7. Death Comes for the Archbishop," by Willa Cather 8. "The Day of the Locust," by Nathanael West 9. "Blood Meridian," by Cormac McCarthy 10. "The Maltese Falcon," by Dashiell Hammett
1. The Missouri 2. The Canning (Alaska) 3. The Eel (California) 4. The Hudson (New York) 5. The Powder (Wyoming) 6. The Mississippi and Tributaries 7. The Big Sandy (Kentucky and West Virginia) 8. The Snoqualmie (Washington) 9. The Animas (Colorado) 10. The East Fork Lewis (Washington) 11. The Paint Run (Virginia) 12. The Hackensack (New Jersey) 12. The Catawba (North and South Carolina)
1. Apartment complexes, at any given moment 2. Grocery stores, Bakeries & Fast Food places 3. Bookstores (for striped paperbacks) 4. Discount stores (they throw out the imperfect stuff) 5. Toy & novelty stores (so what if they're a little broken) 6. College campus dumpsters (especially at the end of the quarter when the students are going on break) 7. Florist shops (just add water) 8. Photocopy centers (office supplies) 9. Photo processing centers (the photos that didn't turn out or were pornographic!) 10. Private organizations (you'd be amazed)
1. The New York Times 2. The Washington Post 3. The Wall Street Journal 4. Los Angeles Times 5. The Dallas Morning News 6. Chicago Tribune 7. The Boston Globe 8. San Jose Mercury News 9. St. Petersburg Times 10. The Sun (Baltimore)
1. Hammer 2. Tape measure 3. Duct tape 4. Nails and screws 5. Screwdrivers 6. Flashlights 7. Ladder or step stool 8. Utility knife 9. Touch-up paint 10. Yellow pages
1. Burger, fries & a coke -- Don't bother me... 2. Pizza with everything, except fish...and make it Round Table 3. Taco Bell Grande Burrito...beef, of course 4. Kung Pao Chicken, fried rice and an egg roll 5. The KFC 3-piece meal, extra crispy 6. Barbecued ribs wherever you can get them 7. Hot dog with everything...at the ball yard, of course 8. Deli sandwiches -- any kind 9. Fish 'n' chips...with or without vinegar 10. Sushi
Catherine Deneuve Greta Garbo Rita Hayworth Leno Horne Grace Kelly Marilyn Monroe Merle Oberon Michelle Pfeiffer Elizabeth Taylor Uma Thurman
1. Frank Sinatra 2. Elvis Presley 3. Nat "King" Cole 4. Ella Fitzgerald 5. Bing Crosby 6. John Lennon 7. Aretha Franklin 8. Billie Holiday 9. Barbra Streisand 10. Freddie Mercury (huh?) (According to the BBC, From the SJ Merc 4/16/01)
1. Over the Rainbow, Judy Garland 2. White Christmas, Bing Crosby 3. This Land is Your Land, Woody Guthrie 4. Respect, Aretha Franklin 5. American Pie, Don McLean 6. Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, The Andrew Sisters 7. West Side Story, Original Cast 8. Take Me Out to the Ball Game, Billy Murray 9. You've Lost That Lovin Feelin, Righteous Brothers 10. The Entertainer, Scott Joplin 11. In the Mood, Glen Miller Orchestra 12. Rock Around the Clock, Bill Haley & the Comets 13. When the Saints Go Marching In, Louis Armstrong 14. You are My Sunshine, Jimmie Davis 15. Mack the Knife, Bobby Darin 16. Satisfaction, The Rolling Stones 17. Take the 'A' Train, Duke Ellington Orchestra 18. Blueberry Hill, Fats Domino 19. God Bless America, Kate Smith 20. Stars and Stripes Forever, Sousa's Band
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and if you live in Michigan, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its under performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness.
"Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas.
"Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Peregrine's Steve Gardner, Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997.
ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375."She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."
Some of you may have been too young...but to us 'Golden Years Survivors' it was fun:
For those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs, a quick lesson: before Intestates, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads cross-country, Burma Shave signs would be posted all along those roads in farmers' fields -- small red signs with white letters -- five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4-line quatrain poem, and the obligatory 5th sign identifying Burma Shave.
They were entertaining and often inspirational. Here are a few examples:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT **Burma-Shave** DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING **Burma-Shave** BROTHER SPEEDERS LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE **Burma-Shave** CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND LOTS MORE STEER **Burma-Shave** THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE **Burma-Shave** SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS HOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT **Burma-Shave** AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY--SPLIT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? **Burma-Shave** PASSING CARS WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE OF ETERNITY **Burma-Shave** AROUND THE CORNER THEY WENT WHIZZIN' THE FAULT WAS HERS THE FUNERAL HIS'N **Burma Shave** NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU **Burma-Shave** A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' **Burma-Shave** AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY ! **Burma-Shave** BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE **Burma-Shave** THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING **Burma-Shave** PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW **Burma-Shave** DON'T PUT YOUR ARM OUT THE WINDOW TOO FAR OR IT'LL RIDE HOME IN ANOTHER CAR **Burma-Shave** YOU CAN DO A MILE A MINUTE BUT THERE AINT NO FUTURE IN IT **Burma-Shave**
Burma-Shave was created by the O'Dell brothers who lived in Minneapolis andhad a little plant in the Bryn Mar district. On Mondays they would drive along the highways near a town and place these signs. Then they would proceed to the next town and repeat the process. Late on Thursday and into Friday they would backtrack and call upon the local drug store(s) asking, "No doubt you have had calls for Burma-Shave." They would take orders and leave the merchandise along with reorder forms. That's how they got started in the thirties, and they did it for years. Finally in the 60's , Philip Morris became interested in this little Burma-Shave company.
As I remember, the company's sales were about $900,000 a year when the business was sold to Philip Morris. Philip Morris then proceeded to buy a series of one-minute TV commercials on NFL football, which cost something like $150,000 each.
This decision actually destroyed a good little profit-making company in one football season. You might say it went up like smoke!
BURMA SHAVE MADE THEIR SALES USING SIGNS, POSTS AND NAILS PHILIP MORRIS TRIED TV AND NOW YOU NO LONGER SEE **Burma-Shave**
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make you aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.
That's all I have right now. Invest wisely
This fall, the Metropolitan Opera is scheduled to produce an opera commemorating Bill Clinton's LEGACY from 8 years in the White House. Composed by Giuliani Veritas (in Italian), it was commissioned by Jesse Helms in conjunction with the National Endowment for the Arts.
Act I. The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are devastated, angry and are trying to find their way back to power. As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are meeting with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a way to remove Bill Clinton from the Presidency.
The opening chorale, "We Must Find a Way" (Creato grandissimo floozi scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Tom DeLay sings "Where Will We Find a Helper?" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimbo).
The House Republicans exit. Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her plaintive "Why Can't I Find a Man?" (Mia schnozola es humongo.) Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich enter from the other wing. They spot Paula and sing the duet "Why Not Her?" (La floozi perfecta). They meet and take Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones.
Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. DeLay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria "Your Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo e'rewardo).
Act II. The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations. They sing in jubilation "We Must Tell the World" (Fono tabloido). The rear curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi) . Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go" (Hypocriti pious crappola). Robertson offers to make time on his television program to expose the charges. At the House Republicans' suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The Paula Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country. The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant gran chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola).
Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next steps. They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi connivo, la media succisttuppo). Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress. He sings "The Truth Will be Known" (Whitewater non starto, il probo la floozy epidemio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola! ) as the act ends.
Act III. Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset and singing "Monica is My Dearest Friend" (Io sono la wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings "We've Got Him Now" (Presidente droppo pantaloni). Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness. In Scene 2, Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers asks her questions. They sing the recitative "How Did It Happen?" (Panti hongo, la flashi).
Monica sings the long passionate aria "We Were Meant for Each Other" (Nonsmoko El Pruducto, Phalli symboglio). In Scene 3, Hillary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom talking about the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings "I Will Stand By You" (Tu jercho estupido, io removo tu equippamento). Bill replies with "She Was the Only One" (Non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multi bimbo forgetta). They embrace.
Act 4. Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The Chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde sings the aria "We Believe in Something" (Impeaccho hippi bastardo). Donaldson sings a recitative in answer, "We Only Want the Truth" (Toupee eslippo). The great trial! begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the President has a 76% approval rating with the public with the poignant aria "What is Right is Not Popular" (Partia repubblico commitini suicido). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale "Principles Come First" (Mi adultero non conto). With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCullom and Tom DeLay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio "How Can You Not Convict?" (Evidenso multi flimsioso). Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings "For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit" (Senatorios non stupido.) After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom DeLay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet "We Still Know the Truth" (Wasto multi millioni) as the act ends.
Epilogue. President Clinton sings the contrite aria "I am Very Sorry" (Revengo futuro furioso) as the Chorus of Media circles him, shouting their questions. They sing "Who will now Believe us?" (Publicca desgustanta es in media). Monica Lewinsky strolls across the stage on the arm of her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing a stirring duet, "It is Still Not Over" (Publishi grande bucchi, conto multi, multi dollare millioni) as the curtain falls.
A Connecticut Trooper pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the N.Y. line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to White Plains to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling; and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out.
The drunk watched the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The trooper saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... Hell, ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test!"
At Heathrow, a 300-foot red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth rending, eye smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then then Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets.... I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought..... You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone...if you are a blonde, this is a joke...
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent." Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,
"I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered....... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
We “Real Men” hate the color pink. We hateJane Austen novels, Meg Ryan movies, quiche, small dogs, and any poetry that mentions flowers.
But most of all we hate Valentine’s Day.
We hate having to make some big display of how our girlfriends or wives are the most wonderful people in the world, and how our love is special and never-ending. For Chrisakes, isn’t it enough that we’re still married or still going out with them? Isn’t it enough that every moring we wake up at home and every evening we turn up again? We don’t slip out in the middle of the night for a little tomcatting and we don’t up and decide while we’re at work that we’d be better off with Doris the secretary.
Why should all of us have to acquire some totally artificial token of our feelings once a year? What purpose does this serve?
It so happens that my wife’s birthday is February 13th, the day before Valentine’s Day, and while I had bought her present long in advance, I remembered on that day that I should get a card for the kids to give her, so on my way home I stopped at the local CVS. The first odd thing I noticed was a steady stream of cars turning into and out of the mini-plaza and then I found that there were absolutely no good parking spots available. I finally ended up parking around the back of the building near a dumpster. As I approached the store, I became aware of an unusual number of men on the sidewalk with grim looks on their faces, but it wasn’t until I got inside and spied the greeting card aisle that I realized what was up.
Completely blocking the near end of the aisle were at least 30 highly agitated and distaught men ranging in age from 20 to about 60, picking up, examining, and rejecting cards.
“Let’s see, is this exactly how I feel about Agnes?”
“Uh, oh, Gloria might not think this is funny.”
“Did I get Bunny this same card last year?”
I actually had to go around in a different aisle and circle back to get to the birthday cards. And as I was checking out, I was in line with all these guys with not only cards but shiny red hreart-shaped candy boxes or stuffed bears - and highly embarrassed looks on their faces.
Why are they embarrassed? They’re afraid they’re going to get caught in the act of being non-men. So just to rub it in, I asked for a tin of chewing tobacco to go with my wife’s card.
Then we have the flower senders. All day long here at school there was a steady flow of flower delivery men. Of course, the receiving women were unabashedly over-joyed, but what about the non-receiving women? They probably felt like the dirt in the pot the flowers came in. If they’re single, they feel lost and alone, and if they’re married, then they’re probably thinking about how their husbands are going to be spending the night on the couch.
Speaking of sleeping arrangements, this is probably the true motive of all these guys with their candy hearts and their flower arrangements: they’re looking for the male version of romance. Well, all I can say is that if they need to go through that much hardship, then at least they probably won’t have to be saving for many sets of braces or college tuitions.
I’d like to blame all this mess on the Hallmark people who make the cards, the candies and even the bears, but it turns out Valentine’s Day is an ancient institution.
The fact is (at least accoding to the internet), St. Valentine was a 5th Century bishop who was known for marrying young lovers who were bucking their parents’ arrangements. Before he was executed for these deeds, he purportedly signed a note to his own lover, “from your Valentine.” Hoping to quell an earlier pagan fertility holiday in February, the Pope at the time invented St. Valentine’s Day.
But, here’s the problem: Valentine’s Day has been de-clawed by women, the church and the Hallmark people. Instead of being about passion, it’s about paper hearts and stuffed animals.
So next year, guys, skip CVS. Just go home and start growling!
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called.
They said Pabst Beer is normal.
I agree, Sounds like he is clueless.
However, since she got the good news medical message - perhaps all is well - and her privacy was protected!
The ground war in Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of the power.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, the Berets first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines.
There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further dismay the enemy by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no deity and I will prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on atheism, ennui and man's freedom of action, with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock.
However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of secondhand smoke from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
A The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C.The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
D.The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
""Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."
"One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
The Women Won
(editor's note) Note that in any case everyone wants to blame computers on the oppsite sex.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the as-phalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the Altar boys stood up.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.
P.S. After the marriage, the beer and sex treatment no longer occurs.
I never have figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much, the whole Mars & Venus thing, or why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big department store... she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because he doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." She had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again when Hell freezes over.
I've concluded if you want sex you have to become a priest. Obviously they get plenty of sex - and they don't have a wife to complain about being cheated on.
See, I used to work in a church WHILE I was an atheist, which explains the odd bit about Atheists at church..
What is the difference between an Atheist and a Christian?
An Atheist cusses traffic driving to and from church. A Christian only cusses traffic on the way home...
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, they are grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Cocoa Beach had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint. She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and totalled it.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising the ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed -----------------
Both men were discharged from the hospital, The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car. And all was right with their world
About a year later they were watching TV and a weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him.
Green garden snakes are not harmless!
Ever wonder where engineering specifications come from?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches, an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the English built the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that is the gauge they used.
Why did they use that particular gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used the same wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts in the granite sets.
So, who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else chose to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they all had the same wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. The Imperial man of war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.
Now let's cut to the present...
The Space Shuttle, sitting on its launch pad, has two booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. A company builds SRBs at its factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs wanted to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory has to run through a tunnel in the mountains.
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel, which is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So.... a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined two thousand years ago by a horse's ass.
Which is pretty much how most government decisions are made.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, it follows that:
Reader correction: Since I now belong to a Unitarian Church, I focused on that entry. I have no problem with the text, but I take umbrage at the fact that the title says "Christian...". While some Unitarians may consider themselves Christian, it it not a Christian religion. We have Jews, Wiccans, Atheists - you name it.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri! "
"No, I'm sorry,” replied the bartender, “it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City... KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.
Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation.
But you can help!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!
Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Infielder [ ] Outfielder [ ] Starting Pitcher [ ] Ace Pitcher [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute) [ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)
Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).
Your Name: _______________________ Telephone Number: ____________________ Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:_______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover Signature: _______________________ Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit): Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:_______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-SCREW-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).
On Rosh Hashanah there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean, a stream or a river to pray and throw bread crumbs which represent sins into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
The age old question lingering around the greater Boston area: "How do ya get theah from heah?" The familiar cry, uttered by many a confused individual who stare looking for street signs like deer in headlights. And generally speaking, wherever "theah" is, and wherever you "ah" at that moment, the answer follows something like this:
"Ahright. Dude, first of all, y'ah goin the thah wrong fahkin' direction altagethah. But yah can't turn around on this street, right? So whacha gahtta do is go up three blocks, 'cause the first two ah those fahkin' one ways goin' the ahthah way. So yah go three blocks up, take a right at the Dunkin' Donuts, then go all the way down to thah rotahry. Y'ah gonna get to School Street, but it aint the same School Street yah saw on your way to the rotahry, so don't take that one, right? Go three kwatahs of the way around the rotahry, and take a right. This is School Street, but yah won't know it cause it aint mahked. On School Street y'ah gonna go straight til it turns into a one way street goin' the othah direction. Then ya take a left on the little side street theah. It'll take yah in a circle and continue on the othah side of School Street, but it aint School Street anymoah. Anyway, go straight, then take a left at the retahted kid sellin' flowahs. Take that street straight, but it aint really straight 'cause it curves and shit. It's wicked confuzin', but don't worry, cause yah just follow the street. It's called Cambridge Street 'cause you're in Bahston and it goes ta fahkin' Cambridge. Until you get ta Cambridge, then it turns into Bahston Street. But I wouldn't know about that, 'cause only lefties, qweeahs and cahllege kids are in fahkin' Cambridge. Anyway, keep goin', and then take that street ta ninetyfive nahth. Go ninetyfive nahth, which turns into 93 sahth for a minute, but it's also route three nahth. Anyway, when y'ah on 95 nahth, or 93 sahth, or 3 nahth, look for exit 53. You know it's comin' when you get tah exit 51, cause there's no exit 52. Unless y'ah goin' 95 sahth, or 93 nahth, or 3 sahth, cause theah's an exit 52 goin' that way. Anyway, after ya take exit 53, stop at the gas station and ask the wicked huge guy how to get theah from theah. He can tell ya."